Birthday Girl

Amelia,
Today is your 1st Birthday, today is a celebration of you and your life. The day you were born was a sad day because Mommy and Daddy knew that you wouldn't be able to stay with us long, but it was also happy because we got to meet you and see just how beautiful you are. You were perfect, the prettiest baby girl I have ever seen and I wanted to keep you so bad, but God had much bigger plans for you. I don't know what that plan is, but I know it must have been very important. Mommy, Daddy and big brother Aiden all miss you so much and love you more then you will ever know. We still talk about you to anyone that will listen, I want everyone to know that I have a beautiful daughter. I will continue to do my best to keep your memory alive and make sure people never forget you. I hope you liked the birthday celebration that I decided to do. I wanted to do something special that would bring joy to others and especially children during Christmas. I thought one random act of kindness would be a perfect way to help others and also make you happy. Sometimes I wonder why God would take you on Christmas Eve, a day that is about family and spending time together. I now think that you were meant to do big things here on earth, with Mommies help. It is all I can do now and I will continue to do special things for your birthday that will also help others in your memory. I hope you have a wonderful birthday in heaven today, I can only imagine what a birthday in heaven must be like and I imagine it must be amazing. Mommy, Daddy, Aiden, your baby brother and Bronx the dog will do our best to celebrate you today, and we will say a special prayer for you. We will also sing you happy birthday, blow out the candle on your cupcakes, and of course eat a cupcake for you. We love you sweet Amelia, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven! I found this poem that I thought it was perfect because everytime I see a rainbow I always think of you and that you are somewhere looking down on me. On Christmas Day last year I remember looking out the window while the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful and pink like I had never seen before. I knew that was a way of you telling me that you were in heaven and that you were ok, so everytime the sky turns pink I think of you. I hope you like the poem as much as I do.

Vicki Brown - Look for me in rainbows

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.
In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.
It won't be forever, the day will come and then
My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.
Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.
Every waking moment, and all your whole life through
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.
Just wish me to be near you,
And I'll be there with you.

Happy 1st Birthday

The day has finally arrived, a day that I have been thinking about for months Dec. 24th, 2012, also known as Christmas Eve. A day for families to gather together and spend time with eachother and eat food and open presents and just have a great time. For me this day will never just be about food and presents, it is first and foremost Amelia's birthday. I woke up about a half hour ago and wasn't sure how I felt, was I sad, was I happy, or was I just ok. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling, of course I'm sad, but I'm sad everyday because I miss Amelia everyday not just today. I'm sad because we will celebrate her birthday without her here to help us blow out the candles on her cupcakes and she won't get to enjoy the balloons and flowers we bought for her, but I know she is getting to share her birthday with Jesus in heaven and I don't think I can top that kind of party here on earth. I just pray that she knows how badly I wish she was here with us and how much we love her and miss her. We plan to be a church today during her actual birth time, 4 pm, which I hope I find comforting and don't cry whole time. I am also looking forward to seeing the poinsetta that we purchased in her memory that will help decorate the front of the church. I think I'm still a little in shock that it has been a year already, it feels like an eternity since I have held Amelia in my arms and yet it doesn't seem like a year should have passed so quickly. I miss Amelia more and more everyday and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and wish she was here. Would she be walking by now, how many teeth would she have, would she love my sugar cookies as much as Aiden does, I have so many questions that while on this earth I will never know. I'm not sure if I can possibly miss her anymore then I do right now, but I am sure I can. As much as I want Amelia here with us I am comforted knowing that all that she knows is love and goodness, and I will never have to explain the scary things in life to her because she will never have to experience scary things. Maybe that sounds selfish of me, maybe not but it is how I feel. I worry constantly about Aiden and I don't worry about Amelia anymore because I know she is in a safe place, surrounded by people that love her. Don't get me wrong if things could be different I would choose for her to be here, but unfortunately that is not possible. I feel blessed that I have a special angel that watches over us, and is always with us no matter where we go. I feel blessed that I was able to spend the time with her that I did, because it was better then no time with her. So today while your with your family having a wonderful time, take the time to think about all the angels that are spending Christmas and their birthdays in heaven and the families that have to figure out how to go on without them.

Pink

So these past couple of days I have been finding out some people that I know are expecting girls. When I found out were we pregnant I didn't care one bit if it was a boy or girl, as long as we were able to bring a healthy baby home it didn't matter. Well from the beginning I felt we were having a boy so it was no surprise to me to find out it was a boy. I have been so happy and excited to have yet another boy in the house and seeing pink in the stores doesn't even bother me anymore, I am in full boy mode. That was until a couple days ago, I found out someone I know is expecting a girl. She is a wonderful person and has experienced 2 miscarriages in the past year and deserves this baby girl. It just made me sad, and as hard as it is to think and say but jealous. I don't want to be jealous of her, I'm happy for her and very excited. But I found myself thinking why I does she get a girl and I get a boy. I feel so guilty to feel this way, because I love this baby boy so much already and I want him, but I can't shake this feeling. Then today I found out another person I know is expecting a girl and again I feel the same jealousy. I am angry at myself for feeling like this, I feel like I am being ungrateful for the little blessing that is a true gift from God that is growing inside me and I don't feel ungrateful at all, but I sound ungrateful. It confuses me that I feel like this and maybe that is just part of this journey and this is normal to experience feelings like this when expecting a rainbow baby of the opposite sex of the one that is in heaven. I know I was given a boy for a reason and I will love him more then anything, I just pray that I get over these feelings. I don't want to feel jealous anymore, I dealt with that enough after Amelia went to heaven whenever I would see a baby girl and it was awful. I wanted to cry everytime I saw pink and I don't want to be in that place again. It is just hard to know that I have a daughter that no one can see and that on this earth I will never get to hold her again or show her off to everyone in her new pink outfits. I know material things are not important and that someday in heaven I will get to do all the important things with her, but until then I have to just be at peace with the way things are and miss her. I miss Amelia terribly, it is still a dull ache that I live with everyday, and in a flip of a switch the dull ache can turn into a throbbing pain. This week the pain has been much more prominent and I have spent a lot more time then usual thinking and being sad. I am just allowing myself this time and maybe that is why the news of people expecting girls is hard for me to handle, because its been almost a year since I have held mine in my arms and I want more then anything to be able to do that again. I know that in a little over 3 months when I hold my baby boy in my arms much of this pain will dull again, because when I hold him it will be  like holding a little piece of Amelia again and I am so excited for that. I know that God and Amelia are working together and they have great plans for our family and I trust that they know best.

I Remember

With Amelia's 1st birthday rapidly approaching, only 4 days, I have been thinking a lot about our 3 days in the hospital and the moment she came into this world. I keep reliving the days leading up to Dec. 22nd and wondering if there was something I did or didn't do. Oh how I wish I would have paid more attention to my body and less attention on preparing for Christmas. I still struggle somedays with the guilt and knowing that had I insisted on being seen sooner that there is a good chance Amelia would have survived. It's awful to think about, but it's true. I think about the tone in my doctors voice when he checked me and said "oh that's not good". How my heart stopped and then he started saying a bunch of words I didn't understand and how I was being sent to a doctor I had never met and he would do the surgery because he was leaving and good luck. I vaguely remember the drive to the hospital and going up to the labor and delivery floor. It was a swirl wind of nurses and people asking questions and then waiting, waiting for this doctor to finish delivering a baby next door so he could go and try and save mine. By the time the surgery started I was shaking so bad and I couldn't stop, I felt like I was having a seizure of something it was awful. I remember the nurse asking me questions and then us talking about her daughter and Aiden, they went to preschool together. I don't remember going to recovery, I just remember being in my room. I remember feeling like I really needed to blow my nose but I didn't want to because I was scared to. Seth went home for awhile and picked up Aiden and got a few things for me since I didn't pack a bag that morning. He brought me a Crispy Orange Chicken bowl from Applesbees for supper since I hadn't eaten anything since that morning. We were feeling good, things were going to be ok, I was going to have to take it easy but it was ok. I remember feeling the little pains starting and I kept thinking it wasn't anything, it couldn't be. They got worse and worse and so I woke Seth up and got the nurses in the room. By that time I was hurting and they hooked me up to the monitor to see if it was contractions, but only a short time later I felt the gush of water. I looked at Seth and said my water broke and the nurses went to check if it was amniotic fluid. I knew it was, I knew that was it. The physical pain was gone but the emotional pain just began. The nurses rushed me into the delivery room that I would be in for the next 2 days and called my now new doctor. He came and told me there was nothing left to do that our daughter would be born and she wouldn't survive, heartbroken. We waited to call our families until the sun was up and then Seth made the phone calls, I couldn't do it, it was hard enough to hear him say the words let alone say them myself. He also called our pastors who rushed to the hospital to be with us and to pray. I remember Seth telling Aiden that his new baby sister that he was so excited to meet would not be coming home with us, I think I cried most of the time. The rest of the day and night was spent watching TV and waiting, waiting for the inevitable. Christmas Eve day came and Amelia still had a heartbeat. I knew that she knew something was up just by the way so moved and the position she was in, up high where she never hung out before. I worried that she was hurting or scared, but mostly I worried that she wouldn't be born alive. I knew by the weekly baby updates that her eyelids were still fused shut so I wouldn't see what color her eyes were, I knew she wouldn't cry because her lungs weren't developed enough and I prayed that her hearing was developed so she could hear our voices if she was born alive. I think possibly one of the hardest things I had to do was allow my doctor to induce labor, I was forcing my baby out. I don't know if she would have come on her own, all I knew was that I had an infection and that she would die either in me or possibly in my arms. I wasn't given much of a choice, this was the way it had to be. So there we sat in the hospital on Christmas Eve, we should have been home getting ready for church and getting our Christmas meal ready. Here we sat in a hospital waiting for our baby girl to be born. I remember the contractions starting and getting more intense and finally asking for an epidural. The doctor came to give me an epidural and he was not nice, I remember him answering his phone while trying to do it and then sticking once and trying to get it in and then having to redo it. At least that is what Seth tells me, the contractions kinda overshadowed the epidural pain. Once I got the epidural I was more comfortable physically, emotionally I knew it was just a matter of minutes before this all would be over. I wanted that waiting to be over, but then again I didn't because I knew what the outcome was going to be, an empty belly and a daughter that didn't come home with us. I called my mom and after I got off the phone with her I moved and I could feel her head, I told Seth and he got my nurse who came and checked and said it was time and that my doctor would be her shortly. My doctor arrived and told me to push and I pushed a little and it was over, she was here. The nurse placed her on my chest, this tiny little perfect baby, and her little heart was still beating she was a fighter. Our pastor came in right away, my doctor just covered me up so he could come in and baptize Amelia. Once the baptism was over my doctor came back in to finish up. By this time Amelia's heart had stopped, she stopped trying to take a breath. That is something I will never forget is seeing her trying to breath, they say it's just a reflex, but it was hard to see. Feeling her tiny head so warm after being born and then slowly getting colder and colder and trying so hard to warm her up with no success. Then the nurses came in and started taking pictures and molds and prints. They gave her a bath which I know regret not asking if I could do, I never got a chance to give my own daughter her first bath and that makes me sad. Sometimes I worry that I didn't hold her enough and let the nurses mess with her too much when she should have been in my arms, but I can't change that. Then came the when to leave talk. By now it was getting late and we both knew we had Aiden at home waiting for us. We both wanted to be home for Aiden on Christmas morning, but part of me didn't want to leave Amelia at the hospital alone. I knew in my head that she was in heaven and that just her body was here, but my heart was split. My living son needed us, he needed his mom and dad. I cuddled Amelia while Seth carried out our stuff and then it was time. Time to hand over our baby to a nurse that would take her tiny 11oz body to the morgue, where she would sit until the next day when the funeral director came to get her. Walking out of the hospital was again one of the hardest things to do, I felt empty and alone. My baby that had been with me for 20 weeks and 6 days was gone. We got home and while Seth showered I sat in the closest and held the blanket that Amelia had been born on and sobbed. Seth found me and got me into bed and gave me a sleeping pill the hospital gave me. We woke the next morning to a very excited Aiden who opened his presents from Santa and was happy to have mom and dad home. The rest of the day was a blur, lots of crying and feeling alone. We talked to the funeral director and made arrangements to go see him the next morning. What a horrible feeling that was, plan a funeral for your child. Our families left that evening and then it was just the 3 of us again. I sat up and wrote Amelia's obituary which I wanted done by the next day.The next day Seth and I went to the funeral home and made funeral arrangements for Amelia. We chose the music, picked the programs, picked an urn, all the things you do for a funeral. It is wrong to have to do this for your child. I remember thinking that this was it, this is the one thing I will ever get to plan for my daughter. I don't get birthday parties, prom, a wedding, nothing that a mother of a daughter will get to do, I get a funeral. It still makes me sad when I hear of my friends that have daughters talk about all the girly stuff they are buying for their daughters, barbies and dolls, and I got a funeral. It seems so unfair that this is my one event I get to plan while everyone else will get years of planning fun things, I get a funeral. I'm not jealous or angry I'm just sad, because I was so looking forward to all the fun stuff, but I was able to give my daughter a nice funeral. I guess that is something. Before we left the funeral home we were able to see Amelia one last time before they took her to be cremated. It was hard to know that this was officially the last time we would see our baby, gut wrenching actually. She looked so peaceful and tiny in her sleeper we brought for her. She was a perfect little angel, our little angel who I know would watch over her family until we were all together again. The day of the funeral was finally here and honestly a lot of it is a blur, thankfully we have it all on video if I ever want to watch it, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to relive that. I think once we got home and everyone left I felt somewhat of a relief because it was over and now the journey to recovery would begin. I just had no idea at that time just how hard and yet rewarding the journey would be.

Rainbow Baby Boy

Well it's official we are expecting a baby boy! We are thrilled and couldn't be more excited to have another boy in the house! I found out at 18 weeks at one of my regular cervical length checks, kinda by accident. Seth wasn't even there he was in Denver, but baby was not being shy and when the tech was checking him out he decided to give us a perfect shot. I looked at the tech and I said "well that's a boy!" She replied back "yes there is no denying that one!" So it was official!! I was not surprised at all by this news though, I have felt we were having a boy from the beginning. I told quite a few people that I was pretty sure it was a boy and everyone would say, oh yeah I know someone that thought they were having a boy and it was a girl, so just wait for your ultrasound. I have learned now to trust my instincts though, with Amelia I had a feeling it was a girl and I was right and I was right again this time! So after the appointment I went to Target and did some shopping, I couldn't resist, then I went to Hobby Lobby and picked up a few things for the nursery and then I came home and did some online shopping! I told Aiden right away when he got home from school,and that night he told Seth that we were having a boy! Seth was excited but like me he ultimately didn't care, as long as this baby is healthy and we get to bring a baby home this time we don't care. So now I am in total boy mode, which is strange and I didn't expect to be so easy. From the moment I found out we were pregnant everytime we would be at a store that had baby cloths my eyes were automatically drawn to pink. Even though I had a very strong feeling this baby was a boy I was worried I was going to be disappointed deep down that it wasn't a girl. I will admit I have had a few moments where I see a baby girl and I feel this lump in my throat and a hint of jealously. Don't get me wrong I love this baby boy more then words can say and I can't wait to meet him, and I wouldn't change having another boy for anything, but I have my moments. I guess I always thought I would have a girl to dress up and play barbies and dolls with and have that mother daughter relationship with. And I have a daughter now that I just don't get to do those things with right now, and that still makes me so incredibly sad. I at least know what to do with a boy, and we have just about every boy toy made so he will be set for toys, if big brother will share them! I know I will probably always have those feelings and that they will come up when I least expect them to. If we decide to have another one after this, will I hope for a girl, probably, but if its another boy then I will be ok with that too! I know that everything happens for some reason and I just might be meant to have a house full of boys and a daughter in heaven. I am almost 22 weeks now and this boy is a busy one already, he is constantly moving and kicking and I absolutely love it! Seth and Aiden both were able to feel him kick at 20 weeks, which I have read is really early. It doesn't surprise me though, his kicks are strong, Amelia never kicked me this hard in that last week when I was pregnant with her. Makes me wonder how all those kicks will feel in 10 weeks when hes starting to run out of room! After Christmas we plan on finishing his nursery, still need to buy a crib and changing table and a bunch of baby stuff! Times have changed so much since we had Aiden, so many more things to buy! I am super excited to baby shop, I have never gotten to do it! With Aiden we had no money so everything we got was either a gift or a hand me down. Which I am forever grateful to all the people that gave us stuff and bought us baby items, but I am so excited to be able to pick out exactly what I want this time. I am also buying everything gender neutral, just in case another Hoff baby is in our future! When I was pregnant with Aiden I had a dream that I had 4 kids, one more and that dream would come true!! I just need to get my husband onboard with the idea!

11 Months plus some

I feel like I have been completely MIA from my blog this past month. I kept thinking to myself, "you need to sit down and blog" and I just never did, well today is the day! There have been quite a few things that have happened in our house since the last time I blogged, Halloween, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorating to name a few. Halloween was good, Aiden is not a hardcore trick or treater so we went out for about an hour and then he felt he had enough candy so we went home and dumped it all out on the rug and sorted it out, this was always my favorite part when I was a kid! Then we all dove in and started eating, also a favorite part! Although this year Aiden has acquired a taste for a lost of candy bars he never liked in the past so he wanted to eat more chocolate then usual. Which kinda bummed me out because I always would eat the stuff he didn't like, and now I had to fight him for it! Of course he always wins so I just sneak it when he goes to bed! 2 days later was my favorite boys 8th birthday, crazy to think I have an 8 year old already! He had a Pirates of the Carribean themed party and I made his birthday cake again this year, a tradition that I have been doing since his 2nd birthday. Although i have had a couple years that I have gotten some help, but I really like making his cakes! There was of course a winter storm that rolled in on his birthday so the road we pretty nasty so some kids didn't come because of that, but his closest friend were able to make it, along with my parents so it was a success! The kids bowled and ate pizza and cake and had fun and Aiden looked so happy, which is all I wanted! My parents stayed the night with us and the next morning Aiden had a hockey game so we went and cheered him on and then went home to get ready for my other favorite boys 30th birthday! Yes I am officially married to a 30 year old! We had a fun night we had our friends over for appetizers and drinks and the kids played downstairs, it was simple and fun! The next week was my birthday and we were supposed to go to my parents house for a birthday dinner, but the weather was bad so Seth took me out to the Japanese steakhouse for sushi, cooked of course, which I don't really consider sushi but it was still yummy! We sat at the hibatchi and Aiden thought that was pretty fun so again another successful night! The next day Seth had to leave for a few days and go to Denver for more training so it was just my Aiden and I for 4 days. I always miss Seth so much when he's away, but I also enjoy having it be just the two of us! While Seth was away Aiden and I decided to go to Target and look at Christmas decorations. Something that I have had some serious mixed feelings about, I hadn't been looking forward to anything to do with Christmas. So we started walking around and we found the most perfect little Christmas tree to put on Amelia's table in the living room. So then we had to go find decorations, we found a string of pink lights, silver garland and pink and silver ornaments, some pink glittery butterflies and a pink star to top it off! It was perfect and Aiden was so excited and so a great help, him being there helped keep me from bursting into tears and made me excited to decorate her tree. Once I got home I decided to decorate it right away, so I sat and got Amelia's tree all ready for her. I then placed some special ornaments on the tree that she had received from her grandmas and  it looks perfect for my special little angel! That day was a turning point for me because I was ready for Christmas then, I felt that Amelia was a part of Christmas and I no longer felt guilty about being excited for the holidays. So Thanksgiving came a couple weeks later and we spent it with Seth's parents and then we stayed in a hotel for a couple nights just to get out of town and do something fun with Aiden. My parents stayed at the same place so we got to see them too. I did a little shopping on Black Friday, mostly for myself! We had to come home early because Aiden had a hockey game so we were home by 9 am and ready for hockey! Which was actually ok, it gave me the rest of the day to do some Christmas decorating. It took me 2 days to decorate and I didn't do nearly as much as I usually do, but I was just to darn tired. Being 5 months pregnant you would think I would have more energy....nope I still get tuckered out pretty easily! Seth helped with the big tree and some of the decorating I couldn't do. I think the house looks good, and since I didn't put as much stuff out it means I won't have as much stuff to put away in a month! So that pretty much bring you up to speed with what's been happening at our house, or at least the highlights! I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do for Amelia's 1st Birthday in Heaven, but I think I might have an idea that kinda came to me last night before I fell asleep. I am in a good place right now, emotionally and I'm not nearly as anxious about Amelia's birthday and Christmas as I was, thankfully.

10 Months

I can hardly believe that yet another month has passed already.  I feel like it was just yesterday when I started writing this blog and here I am 10 months later. It is crazy to think back at the last 10 months and how much has changed. I have gone through so many different stages of grief and so many experiences that I never in a million years even dreamed I would have to deal with. I think back to Christmas Day of 2011, the day after Amelia went to heaven and how awful I felt and how desparate, sad, and hopeless I felt. Then I look at today and I am in a much different place, I can honestly say I feel happy, not the pure happiness I was feeling 1 year ago but a different happy. I feel hopeful for the future, and I do get sad sometimes, but I am ok with that and I just let it happen I don't fight it anymore. Those sad moments usually come when I start thinking about what Amelia would be doing at this stage, or thinking about her upcoming birthday. I also have a strong sense of pride though, I am so proud to say that I have an angel. I wish so badly she was here, but I would rather have Amelia as an angel then not have her at all. I have been thinking about calling my counselor since I have been having some major anxiety about Amelia's birthday. I think it also isn't helping that I am pregnant during the same exact time of year again. I remember last year going trick or treating with Aiden and being pregnant and here I am this year, I will be going trick or treating with Aiden pregnant. I cringe when I hear Christmas music or the word holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas but I am so dreading them. Thanksgiving because I will be about 20 weeks pregnant which is what I was when we lost Amelia and Christmas I just have so many mixed emotions about it. I am excited to celebrate Amelia's 1st Birthday in heaven but I know I will be so sad that she isn't physically here with us. Ugh, I feel like a broken record since I think this is what I have been writing about for the last 2 months. I know the 1st birthday is probably the hardest, it's just hard to believe that a year has passed. I remember when Aiden turned 1 and just thinking how fast that first year went, and how much I looked forward to what the next year would bring. I hope and pray that I can be strong for my family on her birthday and make it a special day and not a day that I just want to lay around and mope. I think the one thing that is helping me through this time of year is Aiden and this little baby in my belly. I think if I weren't pregnant I would be in a much darker place and I think that is why I got pregnant when I did. I feel like it was a gift that Amelia sent us to help us get through these next couple months because she knew it was going to be hard. Although sometimes I feel like I am having deja vu since everything is so similiar, but it's ok it's also strangley comforting. I will try and post some pictures of Halloween, and my Jack Sparrow who I will be taking trick or treating! Also we have Aiden's 8th Birthday party next Friday, we are having a bowling party and then we are having a small get together on Saturday for Seth's 30th birthday, he turns 30 on Sunday. So needless to say this next week is going to be kinda crazy busy, but I think it will be great celebrating with friends and family! So Happy Halloween everyone!

October 15th, 2012

Yesterday was October 15th, also known as Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day. One year ago I had no clue that this day even existed, and now I have it on my calendar. I was fortunate enough to attend a balloon release last week Thursday in Bismarck with a the Angel Babies group I belong to. This is a group of women that have helped me a lot even though I had never met any of them in person before last week. Seth was able to come with me and it was nice, and for some reason I just wouldn't let myself cry. I don't know why I wouldn't, I think I was just trying to be strong and make it more of a celebration of Amelia's short life instead of something sad. I just kept thinking to myself, this is all I have of my daughter balloon releases. I know that is not try I have so much more then that, but in that moment I just felt sad. Because of this balloon release I was inspired to create a balloon release in Minot for all the families here that have lost a baby or pregnancy. I planned it in 10 days and thank God for facebook because I was able to get the word out to a lot of people. I also called the local news station and they were very interested in the story and agreed to do an interview about the day and the balloon release. So yesterday morning a reporter came over and we talked for over an hour, which is funny because my little blip on the news was about 30 seconds! Which is a good thing since I did a lot of babbling and I am sure I made no sense half the time, gotta love editing! I also contacted the grocery store in town and talked to the manager and he agreed to donate all the balloons to the release, all 65 of them! So last night at 6:30 my friend Catherine and I and our kids got to the release site and started sorting balloons! I had around 40 people that came and I was just completely overwhelmed by the response and the support of the even! Our local paper came and interviewed me and our balloon release was on the front page of the paper this morning! The pastor from my church, Nathan, came and said a prayer for all of us before we sent our balloons up to heaven. It was extra special that he was there since he is the one that baptized Amelia, he was there when I was at my lowest point ever and now he was there last night when I am at a much better point in my life. Although last night I wasn't able to keep in the tears, as I was thanking everyone for coming out and supporting me and the event I kinda lost it, I got all high pitched and people probably couldn't even understand what I was saying so at that point I passed it on to Nathan to say the prayer! I cried through the whole prayer and then we let go of our balloons and I felt at peace. I know Amelia was there just waiting for her balloons, I think she had 4 or 5 which is so amazing! Aiden was my date for the night since Seth couldn't be there, he's in Denver for work this week so that kinda sucked but I know he wanted to be there. I have received so much positive feedback from people about the balloon release and it makes me so happy that I was able to do something to honor my daughter, but at the same time help others dealing with their loss. I know there is a reason why Amelia's life was so short and I am not positive why, but I am going to make sure that something positive comes from her death. I refuse to let her be forgotten and I am determined to keep her memory alive, and this is just one way that I plan to do that. I love my baby girl more then words can even begin to express and I did this for her and I hope she is half as proud of her mommy as I am of her! Here are some pictures from last night!
Here are the links to my interview and the news paper article!
http://www.kmot.com/News_Stories.asp?news=59829
http://www.minotdailynews.com/page/content.detail/id/569897/Balloon-release-held-to-raise-awareness-of-infant-loss.html?nav=5010

passing out balloons

Aiden and I with our balloons to Amelia

Saying my thank you's and crying!

Our balloons floating up to heaven to our angels

9 Months

Wow 9 months I can hardly believe that it has been 9 months already. Kinda crazy how 9 months can mean two totally different things for me. 9 months since I have held Amelia and also thinking about the 9 months of pregnancy that I didn't get with her. And yet here I am pregnant again and praying that I finally get 9 whole months of pregnancy this time. Amelia has been on my mind constantly lately and I think it's because there are so many reminders of her 1 year birthday in heaven coming up. Everytime I turn around there is something about Christmas and the saying "It's the most wonderful time of the year". I used to think that and feel that, but not this year. I am honestly dreading Christmas this year. Christmas is no longer just about getting together with family, food and presents, it's my baby girls birthday and proof that a whole year has passed since I held her last. I hope that someday I can think of Christmas and be excited or at least not want to cry, but it is a holiday that has forever changed for me. While families are celebrating, and I am sure this year most of my family will be celebrating and I want that for them, I don't want my family to be sad this year. I will be sad and I pray that I am able to put on a brave face and celebrate Amelia's 1st birthday and Christimas, but I am scared I won't be able to. She was born at 4 pm on Christmas Eve a time that the church service we usually go to starts, do I go to church and sing songs and smile or do I stay home and cry? I don't know, I guess I don't have to decide right this second but it's questions like this that I ask myself all the time. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that so much of this pregnancy is just like my pregnancy with Amelia. Not only do I feel very similiar as I did last time, I am will be doing a lot of the same things as I did while pregnant with Amelia. Going trick or treating, celebrating Aiden's, Seth's and my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas decorating, Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, wrapping presents, the list could go on and on. I am sure I am not the only person that has experienced a preganancy after loss that had so much in common with the previous pregnancy, but it is just hard. Last year at this time I couldn't wait to do all the things surrounding the holidays, and this year I am not looking forward to any of it. I kinda wish I could just skip over it all, and yet I know that Aiden deserves a wonderful Christmas this year so I know I will make it as special as I can for him. It will be a different kind of Christmas this year, but we will be together so that's all that matters. So this is what has been going through my head for about the last month, kinda crazy I know. As far as this pregnancy goes I am 12 1/2 weeks and finally feeling energized. Which is a nice change! I started walking last week so I can keep my weight gain in the 2nd trimester a little more steady compared to my 1st trimester, I gained 13 lbs! I know that is awful, although that is what I have done in my previous 2 pregnancies so it really didn't surprise me that much. I think I finally got a handle on it though! I go to the doctor next week and then starting at 16 weeks I will have an ultrasound everyother week until my 24th week to check my cervix and make sure everything is holding, and to help allieviete my anxieties. I am so thankful that both my doctors are so sensitive to my situation and so willing to help me feel better. Other then all the thoughts running through my head life here has been pretty quiet. Aiden is doing hockey again, flag football and boy scouts so we are staying busy with his activities and Seth is in the process of transitioning to his new job, but until he gets an office he's been working from home. I have to say I don't hate it! It's kinda nice having him around all the time and I absolutely love having him home on the weekends. Seeing Aiden and Seth playing together or eating breakfast together just makes me happy. This is not something I am used to seeing on a Saturday or Sunday morning, it is a welcomed change for our family. Aiden especially loves having his dad home with him on the weekends, he doesn't know any different since Aiden was 2 Seth has always had a weird schedule so Aiden still ask on Saturdays if dad is on days off today! So all in all I'm doing good, my family is doing good and that's all that matters, and I know that Amelia is watching over us and smiling. Next week we are all going to a balloon release being held in Bismarck by a group of amazing women, it is for Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day which is on Oct. 15th, but they are holding the release on the 11th because that is their regular meeting night. I am just so happy to be a part of a group of women that are also doing their part to bring awareness of infant and pregnancy loss while also honoring our angels. I am so proud to be a mommy of an angel baby and it's comforting to know so many other mommies that feel the same way as me! So remember to light a candle on the 15th at 7pm for 1 hour to honor babies gone to soon!

8 Months

Yes I realize that the 8 month mark has come and gone now and 9 months is starting to creep closer. It just amazes me how months just fly by, and with each passing month it's longer and longer since I have held Amelia. Life has been pretty crazy around our house this past month, we had our last weekends of camping and Aiden started the 2nd grade, which I can hardly believe! He also started playing hockey again so that is keeping him busy. Aiden's Wednesday church school started a couple weeks ago and this year I have decided to help out with it, so he is excited that I will be there with him. I am excited to help out with it, we have received so much from the church especially in those first few months after Amelia passed away and this is a way that I can give back a little. Another reason that this past month has been a little hectic is because we found out that we are expecting again. I found out the very end of July when I was only 3 weeks 4 days and I am 9 weeks 1 day now, although I feel like I am way more pregnant then that. I look farther along then 9 weeks and since we have known for so long I can already tell this pregnancy is going to take forever! I have also figured it probably feels like I have been pregnant so long because I spent 20 weeks being pregnant and then it just ended so abruptly. So far I feel good, just extremely tired I don't think I have been this tired in my entire life, but it's a good tired! It is very strange being pregnant again I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. I remember thinking to myself when we first started talking about starting to try again that when I became pregnant I wasn't going to let myself get excited or attached this time. I thought that in case something didn't go right, then I would get hurt. Well the second I found out that plan went right out the window, I downloaded 2 apps on my phone to track the babies progress and I am all ready so in love with this little baby. I just pray everyday and night that this time everything will end the way it's supposed to, with us getting to bring our healthy little baby home with us. Although this pregnancy hasn't been totally smooth, at 5 weeks I started to spot and cramp and had to go in and have my hcg levels checked, which came back ok and then I spent a Sunday afternoon in the ER because the cramping got worse, they did and ultrasound and could see everything looked ok, but they couldn't detect a heartbeat. I went back 3 days later and this time they were able to see a little fluttery heartbeat. Seth asked me on our way out "Well do you feel better now?" and I said "Yes but no, I won't feel better until the baby is here in our arms". The doctors think that I am having more cramping and spotting then usual because I had 3 surgeries on my cervix in a 6 month period and because of that I have scar tissue that could be causing the pain. I truely hope they are right, I cramp on a daily basis but it always goes away and never gets worse so I am just clinging onto what the doctors told me. I go in on Wednesday for my 10 week appointment and I am excited to get to see our little baby again and just pray that everything looks good. Then I will be going back every 2 weeks for an ultrasound to make sure my cerclage is holding and looks good, Dr. Haney says this is his way of calming my anxieties about this pregnancy. I am so happy that I have 2 amazing doctors working together to make this pregnancy a success. Just makes me sad that we had to lose Amelia for this to happen, I wish I had her and this new baby I don't think that is asking too much. Other then being constantly worried about this pregnancy, emotionally I have been in a really good place. I feel like this pregnancy happened when it was supposed to, what's crazy is I am due April 13 and I was due with Amelia May 6, but she would have been born in April. I just know that Amelia planned for that to happen, to make April a happy month for us like it should have been. I have had a few moments that I have just broken down crying and this has happened when I start thinking about Amelia's 1st birthday which is only 3 1/2 months away now. That is a hard one for me to think about, everytime I start to think about it or plan something I just cry. It's also hard because Ameila was born on Christmas Eve, a night that most families spend laughing and eating and enjoying themselves. I don't think I will be doing much of that this year. I have kind of decided that I want to stay home for Christmas Eve and have it just be Seth, Aiden and I, and we can just have a small celebration at home together for Amelia. I figure on Christmas Day we can go spend with the rest of the family. I know most people want all of their family around on this day, but most of these days don't fall on a holiday like Christmas. Plus I want to be able to have Amelia's pictures and things around me on her birthday and if we go out of town to our families we will have to leave most of her things and I just don't want that, not on her 1st birthday. Just thinking about it gets me teary eyed, I am just not ready for that one year mark it just seems like so long ago and I know that once one year comes then the years will just start flying by. At least I have a few more months to plan and prepare and hopefully by the time the day arrives I am ready. Well I will end this post here, I feel like I kind of rambled on about a bunch of stuff. I will try and be better about posting more frequently so everything doesn't get crammed into one post!

Finding Trust at 7 Months

So I realize the the 7 month mark has come and gone, but we have been busy lately with family things and I just haven't had time to sit down and type. Plus with the Olympics on now all my free time is consumed with watching the USA! It just so happens to be on right now as I type! First of all I have to say that I am in a much better place emotionally right now then what I was at 6 months. I am feelinging like I have a handle on this grieving thing right now! It hasn't been like this for a long time, but just the past 2 weeks or so and there is a reason for this. I have really hesitated to put this out there, but then I figure it is my blog and I can write whatever I need or want to! I would like to start by saying that I believe in heaven and I believe everything that I hear in church and I listen to every sermon that my pastors preach. I believe with my whole heart that Amelia is safe in heaven and is being taken care of. With that being said I have had in the back of my mind for a long time the question of "what if?" Most parents are able to go into their babies room and check to make sure their baby is ok or listen in on the baby monitor or hold them in their arms to know they are loved and being taken care of, I don't have that. I have to trust in what I am told not by what I can see. My trust has wavered these past 7 months, trust in myself, trust in my body, trust in doctors, even my trust in God. I know that God doesn't punish people or just randomly pick something bad to happen to people. I know that he loves me and there is a reason Amelia had to go to heaven so soon. But I was really struggling with trust, so I made a decision and I know it was a controversial decision but I felt I had to do it. I decided to speak with a psychic medium. I talked to a lady whos sister in law had spoken with this woman after her son passed away from cancer, so I began doing some research on her. She lives in Fargo and does over the phone readings, and in person readings. I talked to Seth about it and he was very hesitant about it, and wanted me to talk to our pastors about it first. I called the pastor that was at the hospital with us and asked him his opinion about it. He basically told me that there are good and evil spirits at work and you can never be sure which the medium is connecting to. He assured me that Amelia was with God and my loved ones, but he also realized my trust issues and understood. He said that if I chose to speak with her take her advise for what it is and try not to read into it. With that being said I decided to go through with it and trust that this woman was going to give me something to hang on to. I chose to speak with her over the phone because I wasn't sure the next time I would be in Fargo and I didn't want to drive there just for a 30 minute conversation. We started the conversation with her giving me a reading about me and my life and what she saw for my future. She said she saw piles of dirt under a rug, which means that I am trying to clean up messes. Makes sense my life has been a mess for the last how many months. For my future she said she saw bubbles and joy overflowing. This made me feel happy that I will feel that again someday. Finally she said the word trust kept flashing and she wasn't she why. This is when I really started to feel like I was doing the right thing. She told me that I need to trust myself and trust in the process in whatever I am doing in life. Finally we got to the main reason why I was doing this, Amelia. She said she sensed a small spirit around me and I knew that it was Amelia. I asked her if Amelia was angry at me for not being able to help her stay with us, and she said no that there was no anger that she is happy and peaceful. My final question was who she was with. I knew in my heart that she would be with one of my grandmas or Seth's grandma. She began to describe the personality of the person and I knew right away that it was either my Grandma Lois or Seth's Grandma Lu. They were very similiar. After me asking more question I was finally able to figure out that it was my Grandma Lois that was coming through. She passed away when I was very young only about 4, and I have very few memories of her. Fortunately I know a lot about her from stories my mom and aunts have told me. She also had a baby pass away, her baby was also a girl and she was born sleeping. This is something my grandma struggled with because she never got to hold her or have any closure, she was told to just forget about this baby and pretend it never happened, I can't even imagine. So I know that she knows what I am going through, and the questions and the anxiety of not knowing. So she was there to tell me that Amelia is with her. The lady said that while we were on the phone she got goosebumps when she heard my grandma say "Oh hunny don't worry she is being taken care of" At this point I was crying because it was such a powerful message. In my heart I knew my grandma would be there for Amelia because she knows what its like to lose a child, but to hear her words it is so comforting. This is when we ended our session, and I had to be done asking questions. There were so many things I wanted to ask my grandma, but I know that someday I will be able to ask her myself. When I hung up I felt so different, this reading didn't feel wrong or evil, it felt right and comforting. I have prayed multiple times since this and I have promised to not do another reading I don't want to become dependant upon this. This reading was a one time thing and I am happy with what I got out of it. I thank God for allowing me hear my grandma's words and the relief that it has brought me to know that my precious Amelia is in her arms. There are so many people that probably won't understand my reasoning or question whether what I was told was real or made up. My response is that until you have lost a child you have no idea how desparate you will become to find some answers and some comfort in your agony. This was my comfort and it felt real, there is no way she could have known most of the things that she said to me and she was very sincere so I trusted that she had my best interest at heart. So this is the reason why I am in good place, I feel Amelia with me, as I did before, but now it makes me feel happy instead of sad. I know she is happy and being taken care of and I know that she knows how much I love her and miss her and I also know that she is not angry with me, which was a huge fear of mine for a long time. I am also very optomistic about my future because I know that Amelia is going to help bring me that joy and she will be a part of it. I have finally found my trust!

Happy 4th in Heaven

Happy 4th of July in heaven Amelia! I thought about you all day wondering if you were here what we would be doing. Would you have slept through the fireworks? or would you have been like your big brother was and like them!

We went to the air show and everywere I looked were pregnant women, it is so frustrating. I realize that I would no longer be pregnant at this point, but it is so hard to see big bellies. I try not to notice them, but I also find myself looking at every women's stomach when she walks by me. I think now it is because I want so badly to be pregnant again and now I am just scared that I won't be able to get pregnant for some reason, so I am jealous of everyone else that is. Sometimes I swear I am going crazy. After the air show we came home and Aiden and Seth did some fireworks and we sent a memorial lantern to heaven for Amelia. I was excited to do it, but the second I let go of the lantern the tears started flowing like a waterfall. I had this whole vision of taking a close up picture of the lantern and then watching it float to heaven, but I just couldn't do it. This wasn't what we were supposed to be doing on the Fourth of July. I wanted to do something special for Amelia for her 1st Fourth of July, and I just hope she liked it! Here is the one picture that Seth took of the lantern before it got to far away!

Dear Amelia

Dear Amelia,
Happy 6 Month Birthday in heaven baby girl! I wish so badly that you were here to celebrate with us, but I am sure you had a beautiful celebration with all the angels. I miss you so much every single second of every single day. There is never a moment that goes by that I don't think of you. I often daydream about you and wonder what your hair would have been like, brown and curly like mine or blonde like Daddy's. If you would have hazel eyes, if you would have had your Daddy and big brothers's crazy sense of humor. Or would you be stubborn and dramatic like me! I am often reminded of you through songs I hear, butterflies, rainbows and most recently thunder. Aiden and I like to think when it thunders it is you learning how to crawl. These things make me feel better and I like to think you are sending them to me to cheer me up. I have shared your story with many peopleand everyone that hears about you and sees your picture think you are so beautiful and so strong. We are helping people by sharing your story and I am so proud of you for that Even though you are not here physically you are still making a difference. Because of you I have met some amazing Mommies who's babies also went to heaven, you probably play with them. I know that you helped me find them so I wouldn't feel so alone in my grief. I hope you know how much you were wanted and how much you are loved. I feel so blessed that I got to spend 20 weeks and 6 days with you they were absolutely incredible, and that I am your Mommy you were and will forever be a true blessing. Even though you have been in heaven longer then you were here on earth my love for you hasn't changed. You will forever be my sweet baby girl. I promise to keep talking about you, saying your name and sharing your story. I promise to keep your memory alive, I promise. I love you!

I love you Amelia, to the moon and back,  Mommy

6 Months

The 6 month anniversary of Amelia's death has come and gone. I planned to write this sooner, but the words were just not there. I have been a human rollercoaster of emotions lately. I am not sure why all of a sudden so many things will just bring me to tears, but then again I guess if makes sense. Most recently it has been the weekly emails that I receive updating me on the milestones that Amelia should be hitting had she been born on her due date. I don't read them they are all just deleted, but everytime I press delete it feels so awful. These are emails that I should be wanting to open to make sure my baby is on track in her development. Instead they are a painful reminder of what I have lost. I know in my heart that Amelia is in heaven reaching all these milestones, but it breaks my heart that I am not there to witness them.
The past 6 months have gone by so fast and yet so slow, it is hard to explain. I feel as if I have aged 20 years these past 6 months, must be the stress and crying. Everytime an anniversary day comes I instantly think back to those 3 awful days in December. I replay everything in my head over and over and wonder if different decisions would have been made would I have been able to stay pregnant longer. I also replay the moments after Amelia was born. Seeing her for the first time and seeing how beautiful she was, how perfect she was. I also remember kissing her tiny head and how warm it was. Then her tiny heard became colder and colder, a memory that is burned into my memory forever, something no parent should ever experience. I remember trying so hard to keep her warm with my body and blankets knowing it wouldn't work, but praying for a miracle. I kept thinking maybe she will suddenly take a breath, start crying and open her eyes and she would be ok. I knew this wasn't going to happen, but I prayed it would. The hardest part of that night was leaving my baby girl in the arms of the nurse and walking out of the hospital with an empty belly, empty arms, and a broken heart. A heart that will forever be broken and missing my sweet Amelia. My strength and my faith have been tested beyond what I thought they ever would be in my life, and I feel that some days I have everything figured out. Then I have other days when I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, which has been happening more frequently lately. I breakdown in tears at the most random times, and try so desparately to control myself and not make a scene. I am hoping and praying that these moments become fewer and fewer with more time, and yet it doesn't seem like it has gotten any easier in the past 6 months. I am still trying to figure out this new life that I am living and still trying to figure out the person I am. All I know is that I am still struggling but I am ok and I have to be ok with that.

Go Ahead!

Today I had my post op appointment with my OB GYN Dr. Billings. Before I left Chicago Dr. Haney told me to make an appointment with Dr. Billings 2-3 weeks post surgery to make sure everything was healing properly. Well today was the day and everything looked good! Dr. Billings was so nice and so sincere and I just felt so comfortable with him. He answered all my questions that I had, which was quite a few. Most of my questions had to do with getting pregnant and what I should be doing or not doing before I get pregnant, I want to cover all my bases. All I had to do was get a Tdap vaccine (I think that is what it was) and all I know is that my arm is really sore! So as of now I am free to start trying to conceive! Well not now, Seth doesn't get home until Saturday! We still have to talk and make sure we are both ready to start this new journey, but at least I have been given a clean bill of health and have been told that I am doing everything right. Now I just have to try and not let my anxiety get the best of me, try and enjoy the rest of the summer and also look forward to mine and Seth's trip to Hawaii in Sept. Actually before I do any of that I will be looking forward to my hunny coming home!! Only 4 more days and he is home, I can't wait it's so strange without him!

All Better

It is so weird how much my feelings change these days, I am a rollercoaster for sure! A week after my surgery I was feeling so positive and upbeat about the future. Last week Monday hit me and I was 12 days post surgery and suddenly I felt like my world was crashing around me.....again. I think it was a combination of Seth not being home and it just feeling weird here without him home. I think the other reason is that I had this idea in my head that once I had my TAC surgery everything would be better. It was for a little while, but in reality it wasn't. I spent last week Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday crying off and on all day. It was music, TV, movies, the mall, the movie theater, everytime I turned around there was pregnant women, babies, and things that reminded me that I am NOT a new mommy to a baby here on earth. I was not in a good place emotionally. I thought about calling my councelor so I had someone to talk to, but I decided not to. I really wanted to talk to Seth, but I really didn't want to dump anything more onto his plate since he is very stressed out with his training in Houston. Instead I just dealt with it on my own, and tried really hard to get to a better place. Luckily I was able to pull myself together and keep moving forward. Now I am about 3 weeks post surgery and I am feeling better then last week, thankfully! Thinking about these last 3 weeks I think I had a false sense of what this surgery was going to bring me. Yes it is giving me the security that I will not lose another baby due to IC, but it is not taking away the pain of losing Amelia. I was feeling guilty about feeling excited about the future and the potential of a new baby. I know Amelia wants me to be happy, but sometimes it just feels so wrong to even entertain the idea of having another baby. I think I have been anticipating this surgery for so many months that I was expecting it to fill that void in my heart, and it didn't. When I started realizing that the void is still there and its not going away it was hard. I now that no one or nothing will ever take Amelia's place, but I want so desparately to be ok with what happened, but I know that will likely never happen. I guess this is just another stage in grieving, thinking that your all better and then realizing you really aren't. I am ok with not being all better, I don't think I am ready to be better. I am still grieving my daughter and I will for the rest of my life. I know now that nothing is going to "fix" me and make me better, but I now I have to keep moving forward and living my life because that is what Amelia would want me to do. I also have to keep looking to the future because that is what is going to make everything that I have gone through over the past 6 months worth it. I know that someday I will have a baby in my arms that never would have been if Amelia had lived and that baby will have a little piece of Amelia in him or her. That is what I need to focus on and move toward.

Surgery

It was even a double rainbow!

The rainbow on the way home, it was so big Seth couldn't get the
whole thing in the pic!

Finally Wednesday May 30th had arrived. Almost 4 months after I scheduled the surgery the day was here. We got to the hospital about an hour early, Seth was worried about traffic, and of course we drove right there without any problems! I finally got called back to the pre op area about 10 am, and the nerves really set in, plus Seth couldn't come with me so I didn't like that either. Pre op was pretty standard, except this time when asked about my surgery history I had a lot more of a history then ever before. After telling the nurses and med students my history and seeing the saddness in their eyes I started crying. I had to apoligize and of course they understood. It is women like me that they deal with everyday, except most of the women that get this surgery have lost multiple babies, not one. At one point I was telling one of Dr. Haney's med students about Amelia, while getting my IV in and I started crying and I usually don't cry anymore so I am not sure if it was the pain from the IV or just the emotions of the day coming out! Finally Seth was able to come in and Dr. Haney came in, and we met him for the first time, and he was great, I felt complete trust in him! He explain the surgery and the recovery and then Seth headed to the waiting room and I walked myself into the operating room. I had never done that before so that was new, but oh well! I remember getting the oxygen mask put on and being told I was going to be given something to relax me, well that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in recover and feeling like I had been cut in half. It is amazing how you forget how much something hurts after a period of time. I mean I had a c-section with Aiden and I remember thinking this is not so bad, well I must be a big weiny these days because holy crap it hurt! Once the drugs kicked in though, it was all good! I have a very spotty memory of the rest of Wednesday, I know I talked to my mom a couple times, but I only remember a little bit of our second conversation. The next morning I tried eating and that did not go well, I just stuck to crackers and water! Dr. Haney came in about 11:30 to check on me and gave us the go ahead to leave. Seemed weird that in less then 24 hours you have major abdominal surgery and then you go home, but I was ready to leave. Of course we left the hospital and the whole trip we never encountered a second of traffic, well we got our taste of it on our way back to Elgin to get to our hotel. A 40 minute trip turned into 2 1/2 hours, I was miserable. I wanted to cry, but I knew that wasn't going to help and Seth felt awful already so I just sucked it up. We made it to our hotel and my meds were all messed up, I was behind and I was in some serious pain. Seth was incredible and took such good care of me, I am so grateful that he was there! The next day it was game on, Bismarck was our destination, another 13 hours in the car. I felt good right away and then I was hit by pain and the urge to throw up, luckily I fell asleep shortly after that and slept through the traffic AGAIN! After I woke up we were half way through Wisconsin! The rest of the trip was pretty good, just long. What was awesome was when we were about 20 minutes outside of Bismarck I looked in my mirror and I could see a rainbow. I had Seth stop and take pictures for me since I couldn't turn around or get out of the car very easily. It was the first rainbow I have seen since Amelia passed away. I thought it perfect timing to see that. With everything we have been through, we are finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. We know now that we will get our rainbow baby someday and we will get to keep him or her. Some people may think I am crazy but I really feel like Amelia made sure I would see a rainbow to let me know I made the right decision and that she is still with us. We got to Seth's parents house about 9 pm and I went straight to bed. While laying in bed and thinking about how bad my stomach hurt, I came to a realization. My stomach hurts so I take a pain killer and the pain goes away, my heart has been aching for 5 months and there is no pain killer for that. If I can tolerate the ache in my heart I can tolerate my stomach. This surgery and the pain that goes along with it are so worth it, and I would do it again tomorrow! So anyway, the next morning, Saturday we got up and headed to Hazen to pick up Aiden and Bronx from my parents, they picked him up on Wednesday from Seth's parents house. They had to share him! The weather was great so we hung out at the lake for the day and I relaxed in a chair and Seth, Aiden and my Dad went on a boat ride while my mom and aunt and I stayed at the camper. I didn't think a bumpy boat ride would feel very good! We got home later then we expected, but we made it! The bad part was as soon as we got home Seth turned into a crazy man, because he had to get all the laundry done, lawn mowed, groceries bought, and everything put away because he had to fly to Houston today, well actually at 5:30 am! He will be gone for 20 days in Houston for work and it totally sucks with him being gone, but I will manage. It will be worth it in the end, because this is a really great opportunity for him! Aiden was put in charge of the house while Seth is away so he is taking good care of me! So now it's just me and my Aiden and of course Bronx too, who I think is broken, he has only been up 2 times all day! The lake takes it right out of him! These next 20 days will be long, but hopefully will go fast! So as I sit here thinking about this past week, I feel different then I did a week ago. I feel hopeful about the future, because I know there are good things to come for us. I don't know what they are, but I do know it's good! This is all thanks to Amelia, because without her keeping me strong I would have given up. I wish more then anything that I could have had this surgery before so she didn't have to die, and that hurts but she is making sure I don't have to lose another baby again. I feel like having this surgery has closed this chapter, I will obviously never forget this past one and I don't want to. I just feel that I owe it to Amelia to move forward in the most positive way I can and make her proud of me. I refuse to give up on my future, even though it is not the future I imagined. Amelia will forever be a part of our family and will forever be our 2nd child, our baby girl, so she will be in all future chapters of my life and I can finally say that I am excited about these next chapters, finally!

Chicago

As most of you know the past 5 months have been a roller coaster of emotions waiting for the 26th of May, the day we would leave for Chicago. There have been moments of excitement, frustration, saddness, hopelessness, and again excitement. So Friday the 25th Seth, Aiden and I left for an overnighter in Bismarck before we left Aiden behind with Seth's parents and we left for a 14 hour drive to Chicago for a life changing surgery. I had figured out that in the 13 years that Seth and I have been together we had never been on a vacation or alone for longer then a weekend. I got a little nervous, because I was like crap what if we drive eachother nuts on this trip! We have gone on vacations but it was always with other people or we had Aiden with us! Plus, I am not built for the rode I am a person that needs to stop and make frequent bathroom breaks, dang coffee! Not on this trip, I was a rode warrior, if I do say so myself! In the about 13 hours we drove on Saturday we only stopped 2 times, Seth was pretty impressed with this! The drive was fun, no matter what the circumstances we always manage to have fun and laugh! We made it to Elgin, IL on Saturday night which is a suberb outside of Chicago and we stayed there at a hotel. The next morning we drove into Chicago and thankfully it was a smooth ride in! We drove Seth's big Raptor (a bigger then usual pick up) so that was interesting driving down Michigan Ave. surrounded by Prius's and Honda Accords in this massive pick up that could squash anyone of those cars! We made it to our hotel without running anyone or anything over, thank you GPS! Our hotel was really nice, highly recommend the Omni Chicago, they had valet parking so we just grabbed our stuff and said good bye to the Raptor for a couple days!

Having a drink along the river!

Extreme SeaDog Ride!

Cubs game!

At the top of the Ferris Wheel, and my new hat!

We didn't waste anytime when we got there, we dropped our stuff in our room and we were gone. First on the agenda, FOOD! So we went to Giodano's Pizza for the Chicago staple deep dish pizza! It was awesome and the wine and beer didn't suck either! After that we went to the John Hancock Observatory, shopped on Michigan Avenue, took a walk on the Riverwalk, ended up at a cute bar along the river that had amazing wine, took an architectual boat tour on the river, and we ate our very first $44 steaks! Yep that was just the steak, no sides included! They were amazing though, so worth it! We also experienced the best banana cream pie we have ever eaten, the waiter said it would be life changing, I am not sure if it did that, but I will for sure be making my future pies differently! That pretty much wrapped up day 1, which after all that I was exhausted and unsure if I would make it another day in the big city! Day 2 was much more relaxing, we went to Wrigley Field and watched a Cubs game. We are not Cubs fans, but felt that we needed to see Wrigley Field. It was awesome and we had pretty good seats too! Thankfully they were in the shade since the temp hit about 95 degrees that day too. That night we drove out to see some family that lives in a suberb, we had dinner and drank wine with them and then again headed back into the city. When we got back to the hotel we decided we needed to check out the hotel bar and had some drinks there, the bar overlooked Michigan Ave. so we got to do some people watching too, always fun! Day 3, our last day of fun in Chicago, again did not disappoint! We went to Navy Pier, and the first thing we do when we get there is take an Extreme Seadog boat ride. As we are buying tickets it says due to the wind you will get wet on the ride. I am like oh yeah a little spray no biggy! Crap we got soaked! I had of course straightened my hair and for anyone that knows my hair, the second water hits it when its straight it instantly goes curly. So I started the day with cute hair and one 30 minute boat ride on Lake Michigan that went out the window! It was a lot of fun and would totally do it again, but maybe just later in the day! Needless to say after that I was on a mission to find a hat! Luckily I found a cute one that wasn't insanely expensive and I felt much better! We did the Ferris Wheel and walked the Pier, and then we were off to the Willis Tower. We got there and went right up and before I knew it I was standing on a plexi glass ledge the sticks out of the tower some 100 stories above the city. I kinda wanted to pee, it was high! After that I was ready to be on the ground so we went to the Shedd Aquarium and saw some Buluga Whales! We ended the night with a great Italian meal, that included a pasta with mussels, clams, calamari, shrimp, and sea bass. I was a little nervous, but I thought why not it's my last meal for a couple days lets go big! It was very good, not sure if it's something I would order again, but I can at least say I have tried it! After that it was off to the hotel to pack and shower up, tomorrow was the big day!! It wasn't until that point that I finally started to feel nervous. I couldn't believe that the day was finally almost here. Something that seemed so far away had now arrived, just felt crazy! Luckily I was able to sleep that night!

5 Months

So I haven't blogged in a very long time, or at least if feels that way. The 5 month milestone didn't seem as hard this past month as other months, and I imagine that is because I was busy getting ready to leave for Chicago.  Pretty sure I spent the day doing laundry and packing! Not that I didn't remember to stop to think about the day Amelia was born, but that is an everyday thing, not just on a milestone day. It just seems like everytime I look at the calendar the 24th of the month is right around the corner, I mean in 21 days it will be 6 months which just feels crazy to me. I feel like I have a lot to say, because a lot has happened in the past 1 or so, but I am going to break it down into a couple post so this one doesn't get so long and boring! Well honestly that is about all I have about the 5 month milestone, I mean I could go on and on about how much I miss Amelia, but that goes without being said. I will end it here and get on to the other exciting and also kinda scary stuff that Amelia helped me get through this past week!

God Gave Me You

First Dance!

This is one of my favorites, so us!

Today is mine and Seth's 2nd year anniversary. It seems like yesterday that I walked down the aisle and married my best friend. We began dating when I was 15 and a freshman in high school. Seems unbelievable that 13 years later we are still just as in love, actually more so then we were back then. Our life together has not been a perfectly smooth ride, and when our future looked unsure somehow we always came back together. After we got married I thought to myself that all the bad things that would happen to us had already happened and now our life would be "perfect". Our life was perfect, up to Dec. 22, 2011. Up until that day I thought nothing would ever shake us. Thankfully losing Amelia didn't shake us, but brought us closer together. I have spent countless hours worrying about Seth blaming me and being mad at me for not knowing what was going on with my body. He has never even hinted at the idea and has been so incredibley supportive of me and so understanding when I feel sad and just need to cry. I honestly thought I couldn't possibley love him any more then I did, but this whole experience has made me fall in love with him in a completely different way. There is absolutely no way I would have been able to make it through these past 4 1/2 months without Seth and the love that he has shown me. I recently heard the song "God Gave Me You" and I felt like it was the perfect title for this blog, because I know there is a reason why Seth and I ended up together. So YAY us for making it to the "big" 2 year mark! I am so in love with Seth and I look forward to the many years ahead, because I know that with him by my side I can do anything and make it through anything. Happy Anniversary Hunny, I Love You!!!

Answered Prayers

This is going to be the first post that I have written in the past 4 months that is happy! I went out for a run this morning and all I could think about was how annoyed I am that I still haven't heard anything from my insurance company. So for almost 6 miles I thought about this, and got more and more annoyed. When I got home I called Seth, first of all to tell him how far I ran, I was pretty happy with myself, and also to tell him how frustrated I was. He suggested that I call the insurance company and find out what the statis was on my appeal. I called and of course was put on hold for what seemed like forever, and then the words that I had lost hope for, "Your surgery has been approved"!! I was instantly in shock and disbelief and asked the lady "are you sure?"  And then when she said yes I said "Your serious?" And again she said "Yes". Then I told her thank you and that now I was going to start crying. I couldn't keep the tears back, I was just so happy. I still can't believe that I am actually going to get my surgery, 1 week ago I had kind of just lost hope that they would approve it. I guess it is easier for me to not get my hopes up then have them up and then be completely disappointed when they say no. When I got off the phone with the insurance company I instantly called Seth and told him and he was just as excited and happy and then I called my Mom who was also very excited. I finally feel that something good is happening for Seth and I. I feel like the last 4 months have been one step forward 20 back and now we are finally beginning to move forward and this time we have some momentum. I also feel that all the praying I did and that other people did for us, those prayers were answered. I know that God and Amelia had a hand in this, because according to my doctor appeals don't typically get approved. Our little angel was watching over us and getting us through this. It is hard to put into words what this surgery means to me, but if I had to I would say it gives me hope. Hope that my future and the future for my family is brighter then it was yesterday. I wasn't sure if another baby was in my future, and now I know that someday when the time is right I will get my rainbow baby, and that baby boy or girl will have a little piece of Amelia in him or her. I have been given another chance at becoming a mommy to a baby that I will get to hold in my arms and bring home. I know Amelia has a plan for her family and this is just the first step to a very bright future that she is going to help create. I just wish I could give her a big giant hug and kiss to thank her for everything she is doing, but I know that she knows how thankful I am for her and just how much I love her!

Mother's Day

Aiden and Mommy

Yesterday was a different Mother's Day for me. I really wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it, would I be fine, sad, happy, depressed, I just didn't know. We had gone out for dinner on Saturday night after church and it was nice, we went to the Olive Garden, I love their breadsticks and salad! So on Sunday Seth and Aiden let me sleep in and when I got up Aiden had set up a scavenger hunt around the house. He had drew me a bunch of different pictures so I had to walk around and find them all, it was super sweet and he was so proud! Then Aiden made me some coffee, he loves doing this! We sat and watched so TV and Seth left for work, yes he worked yesterday so it was just me and Aiden! Then I started to get some text messages from friends wishing me a happy mothers day and saying that they were thinking of me and then I started getting sad. Not just because of the text messages, but because I should be sitting here with my 2 babies, not just Aiden. Then I started crying so I went into my bedroom and talked to Amelia something that has become a regular thing for me these days. I was able to get myself together and make a plan for the day, because if I just sat around I would be a mess all day. I decided that Aiden and I would go to Lowe's and pick out some flowers to plant in the front to the house. So I got in the shower, maybe that was a bad idea or something but all that did was make me cry. I just started thinking about how bad of a mom I am. How maybe I didn't even deserve to do anything on Mother's Day because seriously, I am a bad mom. Not only did my body completely reject Amelia, but I couldn't protect her, I couldn't stop what was happening, I was completely helpless. I should have protected her from what was happening, I should have been able to save her, but I couldn't. That sure doesn't sound like a good mom to me. So as all of this is running through my head, I suddenly had this feeling of calm and love and I know it was Amelia. I know that she knows I would have done anything I could have done to save her, I ask her all the time not to blame me so I think this was her way of telling me she doesn't blame me. Whenever I am in a situation that I know is going to be hard or is hard I always ask her to give me the strength to get through it without crying and I think this was her giving me strength. So after that I got myself ready and Aiden and I headed out to buy flowers! He was so funny, he loves picking out flowers so I bought way more then I planned, but I just couldn't say no to him! Once we got home and had some lunch we started planting. It was pretty breezy out so it made for an interesting time, but we got them all done! Seth got home pretty early and we hung out for a awhile and then him and I got supper ready and after supper Aiden and I went to Dairy Queen and got some ice cream! Seth stayed home and did homework, since he procrastinated all week and had to do all his assignments before midnight....men! The rest of my night was spent relaxing on the couch with the dog and feeling sad, but ok. I know Amelia was with me all day, she even sent a butterfly while I was outside that kept leaving and coming back. So my first Mother's Day without Amelia was hard but she was able to get me through it, I know this is the first of many hard holidays to come, but now I know I can get through them I just might need a little help from my angel! Here are some pictures from yesterday!

My 2 Loves <3



The butterfly that kept coming for a visit



The beautiful roses from my boys!

Received this from my friend Catherine, so sweet!