6 Months

The 6 month anniversary of Amelia's death has come and gone. I planned to write this sooner, but the words were just not there. I have been a human rollercoaster of emotions lately. I am not sure why all of a sudden so many things will just bring me to tears, but then again I guess if makes sense. Most recently it has been the weekly emails that I receive updating me on the milestones that Amelia should be hitting had she been born on her due date. I don't read them they are all just deleted, but everytime I press delete it feels so awful. These are emails that I should be wanting to open to make sure my baby is on track in her development. Instead they are a painful reminder of what I have lost. I know in my heart that Amelia is in heaven reaching all these milestones, but it breaks my heart that I am not there to witness them.
The past 6 months have gone by so fast and yet so slow, it is hard to explain. I feel as if I have aged 20 years these past 6 months, must be the stress and crying. Everytime an anniversary day comes I instantly think back to those 3 awful days in December. I replay everything in my head over and over and wonder if different decisions would have been made would I have been able to stay pregnant longer. I also replay the moments after Amelia was born. Seeing her for the first time and seeing how beautiful she was, how perfect she was. I also remember kissing her tiny head and how warm it was. Then her tiny heard became colder and colder, a memory that is burned into my memory forever, something no parent should ever experience. I remember trying so hard to keep her warm with my body and blankets knowing it wouldn't work, but praying for a miracle. I kept thinking maybe she will suddenly take a breath, start crying and open her eyes and she would be ok. I knew this wasn't going to happen, but I prayed it would. The hardest part of that night was leaving my baby girl in the arms of the nurse and walking out of the hospital with an empty belly, empty arms, and a broken heart. A heart that will forever be broken and missing my sweet Amelia. My strength and my faith have been tested beyond what I thought they ever would be in my life, and I feel that some days I have everything figured out. Then I have other days when I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, which has been happening more frequently lately. I breakdown in tears at the most random times, and try so desparately to control myself and not make a scene. I am hoping and praying that these moments become fewer and fewer with more time, and yet it doesn't seem like it has gotten any easier in the past 6 months. I am still trying to figure out this new life that I am living and still trying to figure out the person I am. All I know is that I am still struggling but I am ok and I have to be ok with that.