10 Months

I can hardly believe that yet another month has passed already.  I feel like it was just yesterday when I started writing this blog and here I am 10 months later. It is crazy to think back at the last 10 months and how much has changed. I have gone through so many different stages of grief and so many experiences that I never in a million years even dreamed I would have to deal with. I think back to Christmas Day of 2011, the day after Amelia went to heaven and how awful I felt and how desparate, sad, and hopeless I felt. Then I look at today and I am in a much different place, I can honestly say I feel happy, not the pure happiness I was feeling 1 year ago but a different happy. I feel hopeful for the future, and I do get sad sometimes, but I am ok with that and I just let it happen I don't fight it anymore. Those sad moments usually come when I start thinking about what Amelia would be doing at this stage, or thinking about her upcoming birthday. I also have a strong sense of pride though, I am so proud to say that I have an angel. I wish so badly she was here, but I would rather have Amelia as an angel then not have her at all. I have been thinking about calling my counselor since I have been having some major anxiety about Amelia's birthday. I think it also isn't helping that I am pregnant during the same exact time of year again. I remember last year going trick or treating with Aiden and being pregnant and here I am this year, I will be going trick or treating with Aiden pregnant. I cringe when I hear Christmas music or the word holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas but I am so dreading them. Thanksgiving because I will be about 20 weeks pregnant which is what I was when we lost Amelia and Christmas I just have so many mixed emotions about it. I am excited to celebrate Amelia's 1st Birthday in heaven but I know I will be so sad that she isn't physically here with us. Ugh, I feel like a broken record since I think this is what I have been writing about for the last 2 months. I know the 1st birthday is probably the hardest, it's just hard to believe that a year has passed. I remember when Aiden turned 1 and just thinking how fast that first year went, and how much I looked forward to what the next year would bring. I hope and pray that I can be strong for my family on her birthday and make it a special day and not a day that I just want to lay around and mope. I think the one thing that is helping me through this time of year is Aiden and this little baby in my belly. I think if I weren't pregnant I would be in a much darker place and I think that is why I got pregnant when I did. I feel like it was a gift that Amelia sent us to help us get through these next couple months because she knew it was going to be hard. Although sometimes I feel like I am having deja vu since everything is so similiar, but it's ok it's also strangley comforting. I will try and post some pictures of Halloween, and my Jack Sparrow who I will be taking trick or treating! Also we have Aiden's 8th Birthday party next Friday, we are having a bowling party and then we are having a small get together on Saturday for Seth's 30th birthday, he turns 30 on Sunday. So needless to say this next week is going to be kinda crazy busy, but I think it will be great celebrating with friends and family! So Happy Halloween everyone!