9 Months

Wow 9 months I can hardly believe that it has been 9 months already. Kinda crazy how 9 months can mean two totally different things for me. 9 months since I have held Amelia and also thinking about the 9 months of pregnancy that I didn't get with her. And yet here I am pregnant again and praying that I finally get 9 whole months of pregnancy this time. Amelia has been on my mind constantly lately and I think it's because there are so many reminders of her 1 year birthday in heaven coming up. Everytime I turn around there is something about Christmas and the saying "It's the most wonderful time of the year". I used to think that and feel that, but not this year. I am honestly dreading Christmas this year. Christmas is no longer just about getting together with family, food and presents, it's my baby girls birthday and proof that a whole year has passed since I held her last. I hope that someday I can think of Christmas and be excited or at least not want to cry, but it is a holiday that has forever changed for me. While families are celebrating, and I am sure this year most of my family will be celebrating and I want that for them, I don't want my family to be sad this year. I will be sad and I pray that I am able to put on a brave face and celebrate Amelia's 1st birthday and Christimas, but I am scared I won't be able to. She was born at 4 pm on Christmas Eve a time that the church service we usually go to starts, do I go to church and sing songs and smile or do I stay home and cry? I don't know, I guess I don't have to decide right this second but it's questions like this that I ask myself all the time. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that so much of this pregnancy is just like my pregnancy with Amelia. Not only do I feel very similiar as I did last time, I am will be doing a lot of the same things as I did while pregnant with Amelia. Going trick or treating, celebrating Aiden's, Seth's and my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas decorating, Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, wrapping presents, the list could go on and on. I am sure I am not the only person that has experienced a preganancy after loss that had so much in common with the previous pregnancy, but it is just hard. Last year at this time I couldn't wait to do all the things surrounding the holidays, and this year I am not looking forward to any of it. I kinda wish I could just skip over it all, and yet I know that Aiden deserves a wonderful Christmas this year so I know I will make it as special as I can for him. It will be a different kind of Christmas this year, but we will be together so that's all that matters. So this is what has been going through my head for about the last month, kinda crazy I know. As far as this pregnancy goes I am 12 1/2 weeks and finally feeling energized. Which is a nice change! I started walking last week so I can keep my weight gain in the 2nd trimester a little more steady compared to my 1st trimester, I gained 13 lbs! I know that is awful, although that is what I have done in my previous 2 pregnancies so it really didn't surprise me that much. I think I finally got a handle on it though! I go to the doctor next week and then starting at 16 weeks I will have an ultrasound everyother week until my 24th week to check my cervix and make sure everything is holding, and to help allieviete my anxieties. I am so thankful that both my doctors are so sensitive to my situation and so willing to help me feel better. Other then all the thoughts running through my head life here has been pretty quiet. Aiden is doing hockey again, flag football and boy scouts so we are staying busy with his activities and Seth is in the process of transitioning to his new job, but until he gets an office he's been working from home. I have to say I don't hate it! It's kinda nice having him around all the time and I absolutely love having him home on the weekends. Seeing Aiden and Seth playing together or eating breakfast together just makes me happy. This is not something I am used to seeing on a Saturday or Sunday morning, it is a welcomed change for our family. Aiden especially loves having his dad home with him on the weekends, he doesn't know any different since Aiden was 2 Seth has always had a weird schedule so Aiden still ask on Saturdays if dad is on days off today! So all in all I'm doing good, my family is doing good and that's all that matters, and I know that Amelia is watching over us and smiling. Next week we are all going to a balloon release being held in Bismarck by a group of amazing women, it is for Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day which is on Oct. 15th, but they are holding the release on the 11th because that is their regular meeting night. I am just so happy to be a part of a group of women that are also doing their part to bring awareness of infant and pregnancy loss while also honoring our angels. I am so proud to be a mommy of an angel baby and it's comforting to know so many other mommies that feel the same way as me! So remember to light a candle on the 15th at 7pm for 1 hour to honor babies gone to soon!