Surgery

It was even a double rainbow!

The rainbow on the way home, it was so big Seth couldn't get the
whole thing in the pic!

Finally Wednesday May 30th had arrived. Almost 4 months after I scheduled the surgery the day was here. We got to the hospital about an hour early, Seth was worried about traffic, and of course we drove right there without any problems! I finally got called back to the pre op area about 10 am, and the nerves really set in, plus Seth couldn't come with me so I didn't like that either. Pre op was pretty standard, except this time when asked about my surgery history I had a lot more of a history then ever before. After telling the nurses and med students my history and seeing the saddness in their eyes I started crying. I had to apoligize and of course they understood. It is women like me that they deal with everyday, except most of the women that get this surgery have lost multiple babies, not one. At one point I was telling one of Dr. Haney's med students about Amelia, while getting my IV in and I started crying and I usually don't cry anymore so I am not sure if it was the pain from the IV or just the emotions of the day coming out! Finally Seth was able to come in and Dr. Haney came in, and we met him for the first time, and he was great, I felt complete trust in him! He explain the surgery and the recovery and then Seth headed to the waiting room and I walked myself into the operating room. I had never done that before so that was new, but oh well! I remember getting the oxygen mask put on and being told I was going to be given something to relax me, well that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in recover and feeling like I had been cut in half. It is amazing how you forget how much something hurts after a period of time. I mean I had a c-section with Aiden and I remember thinking this is not so bad, well I must be a big weiny these days because holy crap it hurt! Once the drugs kicked in though, it was all good! I have a very spotty memory of the rest of Wednesday, I know I talked to my mom a couple times, but I only remember a little bit of our second conversation. The next morning I tried eating and that did not go well, I just stuck to crackers and water! Dr. Haney came in about 11:30 to check on me and gave us the go ahead to leave. Seemed weird that in less then 24 hours you have major abdominal surgery and then you go home, but I was ready to leave. Of course we left the hospital and the whole trip we never encountered a second of traffic, well we got our taste of it on our way back to Elgin to get to our hotel. A 40 minute trip turned into 2 1/2 hours, I was miserable. I wanted to cry, but I knew that wasn't going to help and Seth felt awful already so I just sucked it up. We made it to our hotel and my meds were all messed up, I was behind and I was in some serious pain. Seth was incredible and took such good care of me, I am so grateful that he was there! The next day it was game on, Bismarck was our destination, another 13 hours in the car. I felt good right away and then I was hit by pain and the urge to throw up, luckily I fell asleep shortly after that and slept through the traffic AGAIN! After I woke up we were half way through Wisconsin! The rest of the trip was pretty good, just long. What was awesome was when we were about 20 minutes outside of Bismarck I looked in my mirror and I could see a rainbow. I had Seth stop and take pictures for me since I couldn't turn around or get out of the car very easily. It was the first rainbow I have seen since Amelia passed away. I thought it perfect timing to see that. With everything we have been through, we are finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. We know now that we will get our rainbow baby someday and we will get to keep him or her. Some people may think I am crazy but I really feel like Amelia made sure I would see a rainbow to let me know I made the right decision and that she is still with us. We got to Seth's parents house about 9 pm and I went straight to bed. While laying in bed and thinking about how bad my stomach hurt, I came to a realization. My stomach hurts so I take a pain killer and the pain goes away, my heart has been aching for 5 months and there is no pain killer for that. If I can tolerate the ache in my heart I can tolerate my stomach. This surgery and the pain that goes along with it are so worth it, and I would do it again tomorrow! So anyway, the next morning, Saturday we got up and headed to Hazen to pick up Aiden and Bronx from my parents, they picked him up on Wednesday from Seth's parents house. They had to share him! The weather was great so we hung out at the lake for the day and I relaxed in a chair and Seth, Aiden and my Dad went on a boat ride while my mom and aunt and I stayed at the camper. I didn't think a bumpy boat ride would feel very good! We got home later then we expected, but we made it! The bad part was as soon as we got home Seth turned into a crazy man, because he had to get all the laundry done, lawn mowed, groceries bought, and everything put away because he had to fly to Houston today, well actually at 5:30 am! He will be gone for 20 days in Houston for work and it totally sucks with him being gone, but I will manage. It will be worth it in the end, because this is a really great opportunity for him! Aiden was put in charge of the house while Seth is away so he is taking good care of me! So now it's just me and my Aiden and of course Bronx too, who I think is broken, he has only been up 2 times all day! The lake takes it right out of him! These next 20 days will be long, but hopefully will go fast! So as I sit here thinking about this past week, I feel different then I did a week ago. I feel hopeful about the future, because I know there are good things to come for us. I don't know what they are, but I do know it's good! This is all thanks to Amelia, because without her keeping me strong I would have given up. I wish more then anything that I could have had this surgery before so she didn't have to die, and that hurts but she is making sure I don't have to lose another baby again. I feel like having this surgery has closed this chapter, I will obviously never forget this past one and I don't want to. I just feel that I owe it to Amelia to move forward in the most positive way I can and make her proud of me. I refuse to give up on my future, even though it is not the future I imagined. Amelia will forever be a part of our family and will forever be our 2nd child, our baby girl, so she will be in all future chapters of my life and I can finally say that I am excited about these next chapters, finally!