Pink

So these past couple of days I have been finding out some people that I know are expecting girls. When I found out were we pregnant I didn't care one bit if it was a boy or girl, as long as we were able to bring a healthy baby home it didn't matter. Well from the beginning I felt we were having a boy so it was no surprise to me to find out it was a boy. I have been so happy and excited to have yet another boy in the house and seeing pink in the stores doesn't even bother me anymore, I am in full boy mode. That was until a couple days ago, I found out someone I know is expecting a girl. She is a wonderful person and has experienced 2 miscarriages in the past year and deserves this baby girl. It just made me sad, and as hard as it is to think and say but jealous. I don't want to be jealous of her, I'm happy for her and very excited. But I found myself thinking why I does she get a girl and I get a boy. I feel so guilty to feel this way, because I love this baby boy so much already and I want him, but I can't shake this feeling. Then today I found out another person I know is expecting a girl and again I feel the same jealousy. I am angry at myself for feeling like this, I feel like I am being ungrateful for the little blessing that is a true gift from God that is growing inside me and I don't feel ungrateful at all, but I sound ungrateful. It confuses me that I feel like this and maybe that is just part of this journey and this is normal to experience feelings like this when expecting a rainbow baby of the opposite sex of the one that is in heaven. I know I was given a boy for a reason and I will love him more then anything, I just pray that I get over these feelings. I don't want to feel jealous anymore, I dealt with that enough after Amelia went to heaven whenever I would see a baby girl and it was awful. I wanted to cry everytime I saw pink and I don't want to be in that place again. It is just hard to know that I have a daughter that no one can see and that on this earth I will never get to hold her again or show her off to everyone in her new pink outfits. I know material things are not important and that someday in heaven I will get to do all the important things with her, but until then I have to just be at peace with the way things are and miss her. I miss Amelia terribly, it is still a dull ache that I live with everyday, and in a flip of a switch the dull ache can turn into a throbbing pain. This week the pain has been much more prominent and I have spent a lot more time then usual thinking and being sad. I am just allowing myself this time and maybe that is why the news of people expecting girls is hard for me to handle, because its been almost a year since I have held mine in my arms and I want more then anything to be able to do that again. I know that in a little over 3 months when I hold my baby boy in my arms much of this pain will dull again, because when I hold him it will be  like holding a little piece of Amelia again and I am so excited for that. I know that God and Amelia are working together and they have great plans for our family and I trust that they know best.