All Better

It is so weird how much my feelings change these days, I am a rollercoaster for sure! A week after my surgery I was feeling so positive and upbeat about the future. Last week Monday hit me and I was 12 days post surgery and suddenly I felt like my world was crashing around me.....again. I think it was a combination of Seth not being home and it just feeling weird here without him home. I think the other reason is that I had this idea in my head that once I had my TAC surgery everything would be better. It was for a little while, but in reality it wasn't. I spent last week Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday crying off and on all day. It was music, TV, movies, the mall, the movie theater, everytime I turned around there was pregnant women, babies, and things that reminded me that I am NOT a new mommy to a baby here on earth. I was not in a good place emotionally. I thought about calling my councelor so I had someone to talk to, but I decided not to. I really wanted to talk to Seth, but I really didn't want to dump anything more onto his plate since he is very stressed out with his training in Houston. Instead I just dealt with it on my own, and tried really hard to get to a better place. Luckily I was able to pull myself together and keep moving forward. Now I am about 3 weeks post surgery and I am feeling better then last week, thankfully! Thinking about these last 3 weeks I think I had a false sense of what this surgery was going to bring me. Yes it is giving me the security that I will not lose another baby due to IC, but it is not taking away the pain of losing Amelia. I was feeling guilty about feeling excited about the future and the potential of a new baby. I know Amelia wants me to be happy, but sometimes it just feels so wrong to even entertain the idea of having another baby. I think I have been anticipating this surgery for so many months that I was expecting it to fill that void in my heart, and it didn't. When I started realizing that the void is still there and its not going away it was hard. I now that no one or nothing will ever take Amelia's place, but I want so desparately to be ok with what happened, but I know that will likely never happen. I guess this is just another stage in grieving, thinking that your all better and then realizing you really aren't. I am ok with not being all better, I don't think I am ready to be better. I am still grieving my daughter and I will for the rest of my life. I know now that nothing is going to "fix" me and make me better, but I now I have to keep moving forward and living my life because that is what Amelia would want me to do. I also have to keep looking to the future because that is what is going to make everything that I have gone through over the past 6 months worth it. I know that someday I will have a baby in my arms that never would have been if Amelia had lived and that baby will have a little piece of Amelia in him or her. That is what I need to focus on and move toward.