One Month

(Family Picture)

So here I am it has been a month since we met our precious Amelia and also had to say goodbye to her, one of the most bitter sweet days of my life. I have to admit I have been really scared about today because I didn't know how I was going to feel. Last Saturday was the 3 week point and I think that is the worst I have felt since the day of the funeral. I laid on my couch for most of the afternoon and evening and cried off and on. I kept reliving Dec. 24th and all the emotions just came flooding back. I think what triggered me to go into this deep hole that I was in, was an email I received from a pregnancy website that I had subscribed to. In the email, yes I know I never should have opened it but I did, now your baby can finally hear you. I just started crying because now I knew that Amelia's hearing hadn't yet fully developed and her couldn't hear my voice, she would never hear my voice. Then I began to think about her eyes, her eyes hadn't opened yet and she could see me, she would never know what I looked like and I was scared that someday when I get to heaven she wouldn't now who I am. All of this compiled with all the other questions that lingered in my mind, made for an awful day, thankgoodness that Aiden is such a wonderful kid and when I told him mommy didn't feel good today he said he would take care of me. This made me even more sad because I am the mom, I am supposed to be taking care of him not the other way around. But in that moment I just couldn't pull myself out of this rut, so I just stayed in it. I talked to my mom earlier in the day and barely was able to keep it together while talking to her, I didn't want her to worry about me, even though I know she still did. It wasn't until Seth got home from work that night that I finally started to come around and stop crying. The next day was the day I decided to start my blog, I couldn't have another day like Saturday. I have a son and husband that need me and I need to at least somewhat function for them. I can't even begin to say how much better I feel after writing on my blog, it's the cheapest therapy, even though I am still going for professional help next week!

So back to today, I am sitting here on the couch with Aiden, he is watching one of my all time favorite movies "Dumb and Dumber" and writing. Aiden and Seth surprised me with coffee in bed and Aiden made me a card, I know today will still be hard, but I will be ok. Aiden has a birthday party at 1 and then my parents are coming to town and getting a hotel room at the Grand so Aiden can swim and we can just hang out. My friend Catherine is coming with her son, so it should be fun. I have a feeling that my parents planned to be here today because of last Saturday and plus Seth has to work so I feel very lucky that they would do that for me. So today is going to be a busy day, which is good, but Amelia will be on my mind all day, as she is most days but I feel ok. I know she heard everything Seth and I told her and I know that she will recognize me someday in heaven, I know that in my heart. So as I reflect on what I have learned in the month since we lost Amelia, I feel like a different person, a better person. I have learned that I am so much stronger then I ever thought before, even though I still have days when I am not and that is ok. I learned that I could fall even more in love with my husband, which I really didn't think was possible, but it is. I learned that a hug from my child can make me feel so much better when I feel like the world is crashing around me. I learned about the power of prayer, from receiving prayers to praying myself, it all helps so much. I learned, even though I already knew this but this situation really opened my eyes, just how amazing my friends and family truely are. I have learned that I have a connection to many women that I never knew very well, we have all lost a baby or babies, and I admire each and everyone of them for sharing their stories with me. I have learned that talking is the best therapy to work through my emotions, even if I don't feel like I want to, keeping them in is so much worse. I learned how much I could miss and love someone that I only knew for a short time. And finally I learned that by writing and sharing everything that I have gone through and am feeling and thinking, I can help other people, which I never imagined would happen. Oh and one last thing, well probably not I will post this and then think of more, my daughter even though she is not here with me is changing my life and is working her magic. So many things this past month have happened that I know it is her letting me know that she is here with me and watching over me and her family. I love you to the moon and back my precious Amelia Harper, and thank you for being such a blessing in my life, you are forever in my heart, Love Mommy