The day my life changed forever

Thursday Dec. 22, 2011: I woke up around 7am. I had a stuffy nose from a cold that was liggering, so I blew my nose. As I did this I could feel pressure in my lower area, you know what I am talking about, felt like if I would push something would come out. Something didn't feel right, so I called the ER and they told me to call my Dr. at 8:30 when the nurses got in and tell them what was happening. I called right at 8:30 and told my Dr. nurse who told me that my Dr. would probably want to see me and she would call me as soon as he got in at 9. I was feeling very anxious at this point, so I got in the shower to get ready. I got out of the shower and wiped myself and there was blood on my towel, I thought to myself, oh my God I am having a miscarriage. I called the nurse back and left a message for her, then I called Seth to come home because I was really scared at this point. The nurse called me back and said get here as soon as you can, the Dr. wants to see you. Seth got home and we left for the Dr., the whole drive there I was praying, don't let me lose this baby, let her have a heartbeat. We got in right away and my Dr. checked for a heartbeat and there was one, my baby girl was fine, thank the lord! Then the Dr. did a pelvic exam and when he did he discovered that I was dialated to 3 cm, he told us this was not good and that we needed to go straight over to the hospital to labor and delivery and I would have another Dr. put a transvaginal cerclage put in. My mind was spinning at this point, I had never heard of half the stuff he was telling us, all I knew was that my baby was fine. We got to the hospital and the nurses had me change and got me in bed and started an IV, since I had to have surgery, and asked me a million questions about my health history. I went into surgery at about 1:30, I was so nervous and scared that I couldn't stop shaking, all I kept thinking was this has to work, this has to work, please save my baby. When surgery was done the Dr. told us there was a 50/50 chance the cerclage would work, as long as I didn't develop an infection or my water didn't break I could go home tomorrow. Seth and I were feeling good at this point, we had to be on the good 50% side, we had to be. My parents came to take care of Aiden since I would be in the hospital, and my friend Catherine came to visit, along with my parents and Aiden. We sat and talked and laughed about how this baby was going to be a handful when she got older with everything that had happened, and I just kept thinking it worked!
Friday Dec. 23, 2011:  At 2am I started feeling cramps and withink an hour I was having contractions and my water broke. The next few minutes are a blur, I just couldn't believe that this was happening, I was losing my baby. My Dr. came in and explained to us that the blood work they had done on me showed I had developed an infection and that there was nothing they could do to save our baby, she was only 20 weeks, 5 days and would not be able to survive outside the womb. I can't even begin to describe the helplessness and pain I felt while I laid in my hospital bed, feeling my baby girl kicking me and moving all around and knowing I couldn't help her. Our pastors came from our church and sat with us, and gave us their condolences, our parents came, and then came time to explain to Aiden what was going to happen. Seth told him that the baby was going to be born, but she was too small and that she was going to go to heaven instead of coming home with us. My heart ached as I listened and then we all cried, it wasn't too much later that he asked my mom to take him home, he had had enough of the hospital. By this time it was Friday night and there was still no progress on my labor and they began pitocin to make things happen faster. This didn't help either.
Saturday Dec. 24, 2011: In the  morning my Dr. came in and inserted a pill to make me contract and around 1pm Saturday the contractions started. As much as I wanted to get home to spend Christmas with Aiden, I didn't want my labor to start because that meant my baby girl would be born to soon and go to heaven. We got to hear her heartbeat one more time on Friday night and it was the most beautiful sound and the hardest sound to hear, because she was perfectly fine in my belly, my body was just pushing her out. I was so angry at myself because I am her Mommy and I am supposed to protect her and keep her safe for 9 months, that was my job and I was failing her, Seth, and Aiden. Labor progressed and at 4pm our angel was born, and baptized shortly after, and then at 4:09 pm she went to heaven. She was so strong and tried to stay with us, the Dr. told us she probably wouldn't survive the birth, but she did and it was amazing to feel her heartbeating against my finger. We knew that she couldn't stay with us, so I told her that it was ok to leave us, and that we loved her so much, and that we would be ok, it wasn't much longer and her little heart stopped beating. She looked so peaceful and so perfect, she had her daddy's nose and chin and her mommy's cheeks and eyes and lips. We named her Amelia Harper, a name I had picked out over a year ago and was just waiting to use, and it fit her perfectly. We stayed at the hospital and held her and kissed her and hugged her and told her all about us and Aiden and the people she was going to meet in heaven. I tried to give her enough kisses to last her a lifetime, but I know it just wasn't enough. We were fortunate to get pictures with her and I have those to comfort me and to remember what my sweet baby girl looked like. We left the hospital and our baby at 11 pm, we needed to get home to Aiden, it was Christmas morning the next day and we needed to be there for him. Walking out of the hospital was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I walked in 2 days ago scared, but pregnant with a baby girl and I left with a folder with information for a support group and no baby. We got home and while Seth showered I sat in my closet with the basket of her things that the hospital gave us and sobbed, I couldn't believe this is all I had of my baby girl, I already missed her so much and I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this, I wanted to die to so I could just go be with my baby girl.