Laughing

I love to laugh, I love to laugh so hard it makes my stomach hurt,or makes me snort, but lately I have a hard time laughing. I feel guilty when I do it, I feel that I shouldn't be laughing, just crying. I mean I live with a man that does some funny things and I have a son who takes after his dad and does all the silly things he does. Before all this happened we had a lot of laughter in our house and I laughed all the time at the two of them. Now they still do all the silly things, I just don't feel like I should be laughing. I feel like I am betraying Amelia in some way, I think that if I am not crying then I will forget her. Even though I know I will never forget her, it just seems wrong for me to enjoy anything yet. I know with time this guilt will pass and I know in my heart that Amelia would want me to laugh and enjoy the things that I used to enjoy. Yesterday and today I have been working on getting Aiden's new bedroom and bathroom in the basement redone for his big move downstairs. Typically I would really enjoy doing this, but today I just felt sad about doing it. All I thought about was how he is going to move downstairs and his bedroom upstairs is going to remain empty, because a nursery won't be going in there. I am angry because I was supposed to be so excited about Aiden getting his big boy bedroom, but I am so sad about him moving downstairs. I act excited for him because he is excited about his new room, but deep down inside I am screaming. It took a lot of convincing to get him excited about a new room, we started talking about his new room as soon as we found out I was pregnant. We only have 2 bedrooms upstairs so he had no choice he had to go downstairs. After weeks and weeks for convincing he is now excited and I am dreading it, how ironic is that?! The big moving day has yet to be determined we still need to put a closet organizer in, but I am guessing sometime this weekend, and I am sure I will cry my eyes out that night when I go to bed and there is an empty room next to us that will remain empty, just typing that makes my eyes well up with tears. I know in my head that she is gone, but my heart aches for her and I still want to make the nursery for her that I had imagined. It was going to be so pretty, but not over the top girly, although I did want to put in a chandilier, which Seth just rolled his eyes about! I had the crib picked out but not purchased, I had a dresser purchased but still needed to paint it, I still had to pick out a chair, a nice one that was comfy for those late night feedings. All these things were supposed to be purchased but not anymore, instead I am having a wood box made to put Amelia's things into. The blanket she was born on, the afgan the hospital gave us, her scrap book I made her, pictures, and sympathy cards, these are the things that my baby has, its just not fair. This is "everything" that is her's, no dolls or barbies or any of the other girly toys I was so excited to buy her. It's jsut not fair. This is why I have a hard time truely enjoying anything right now, because as soon as I begin to enjoy something I start to think about this and all the things that Amelia won't get. I can say that I do have a new appreciation for all the people in my life, because without them I would not be here and I can say that with confidence. I am so blessed to have an incredible husband who has been so supportive of me through all of this. I was so scared he was going to blame me for what happened, he didn't, and he continues to comfort me when I am feeling sad. He will stay home with me in the morning if I am sad, even though he's not supposed to. He hugs me all the time and makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. He was wonderful this week when I went to him and asked if it was ok if I withdrew from school, I just couldn't focus on my class. He told me whatever I wanted to do was ok with him, I love him so much. I feel like this experience has brought us closer together and has made our love for eachother deeper and stronger, and I know that is because of Amelia. Well and then there is Aiden, and all I have to say about him is that I am so lucky to have him, him and Amelia are my greatest accomplishments, and they both make me the proudest mommy in the world. So hopefully with time I will be able to laugh at my silly boys and enjoy the simple things in life and focus on the good that is in my life and not be sad for what I don't have. The truth is I have my perfect little family with 2 children, a boy and a girl, and I love them both more than anything and my daughter may not be with here on earth she is always in my heart, and someday we will be together again!