Moving Forward

It has been 3 weeks since we lost our precious Amelia and somedays I feel that I am dealing really well and then there are days like Friday and Saturday that make me feel like I have made no progress at all. When people ask me how I am doing I feel bad if I were to give them a truthful answer, nobody wants to know that 5 minutes before I was telling myself not to take the handful of sleeping pills, and I am in so much pain emotionally I can't hardly stand it. I usually just say I am ok or fine, because it's easier and less shocking for people to hear then the truth. The only thing that keeps me going is Aiden and Seth, if it wasn't for them I am not sure where I would be. I try to focus on the future, but then I see something on TV that reminds me of Amelia or I get on Facebook and someone posts something about being pregnant or something about their baby and it just takes me right back to right now and how much I hurt. Aiden told me this morning that he had 3 dreams about Amelia, one was that she was alive and here with us, I liked this one, the next one was that he told her a joke and the last one was that we went to a baby shelter and ordered a new baby sister for him and named her Amelia too. Ahhh the innocents of a child. I still can't believe that this is the life that I am living, sometimes I think maybe I am dreaming or something, but then I go into my closet and see the picture of my sweet angel and know that this is indeed happening and I need to deal with it. I am going to call a grief counselor tomorrow, I think it might help me with some of the guilt and anger that I have for myself, someone to just listen to me and not judge. I read a book today that was given to me from my friend Catherine, "Please Don't Cry Mommy, There Are No Tears In Heaven". I hadn't read it yet because I didn't feel ready, but today for some reason I felt ready. It is a sweet book with the words a child word say and use to describe being in heaven, and how beautiful it is there and how much fun it is there. These are the things that I need to think about, I know that Amelia is safe and being loved and taken care of in heaven. Even though I would much rather have her here with me, I know in my heart she is with Jesus and loved by everyone. It is thoughts like this that comfort me when I feel sad and feel like I will never be happy again. I know that Amelia is with me, and that when the time is right she will send me another baby, and that baby will have a little piece of her and that is something that I can't wait for.