Happiness/Guilt

Happiness is such a tricky thing for me these days! On Thursday I had a really good day, I drove Seth to Bismarck so he could fly to Virginia and pick up his new pickup, that part wasn't so much fun! Then I talked to my aunt Lisa and found out that the girls weekend to Detriot Lakes is a go, so I am excited for that. Then I had my phone consultation with Dr. Haney, the IC specialist in Chicago. I was so nervous for it, I was worried he would tell me that I couldn't have the surgery or that he didn't even think I had IC. We started the consult by me telling him my health history and about my pregnancy with Aiden and then everything that happened with Amelia. As soon as I was finished telling him about what happened he told me that I am a classic case of IC! This was the best news I have heard in so long, finally an answer. He said he treats women all the time that have had a completely normal pregnancy and then develop IC. There is no known cause for why this happened, he said it could be my hard labor with Aiden or it could just be biochemical, we will probably never know the cause, which does frustrate me. Then we discussed my options and the differences in the two types of cerclages. The one that he specializes in is the transabdominal cerclage, and the one that I have wanted to do since I heard about it, is a 95% greater success rate. He said that he has been placing these for more then 20 years and has never had a woman lose a baby, a 100% success rate. This pretty much sealed the deal for me, he basically is guaranteeing me that I will not lose another baby due to IC. The surgery is pretty easy, he will make an incision in the same spot where I had my c-section and put in the cerclage, 7-10 days later I will be pretty much fully recovered. It's not the invasive procedure that I was told it was, so that is good, but even if it was I would still be doing it. So morally of the story, I am a candidate for the surgery and I will be scheduling my surgery date on Monday. I got off the phone with him and I was so excited and relieved and happy, happier than I have been in a long time. I wanted to tell everyone the good news and jump up and down, and then the guilt hit me. I am so happy about the prospect of having another baby and I suddenly felt like I was betraying Amelia. How could I be happy about this, when a little over a month ago I lost her, I felt like I was replacing her. I went into my closet, because that is where most of her things are and cried. I was crying because I just wish so badly that I could have known that I had IC and I could have had the surgery to save her. I also wanted to thank her because I know she led me to finding Dr. Haney and finding answers. I just feel so awful that she didn't get the chance that my future baby or babies is going to get. I know I am not replacing her, nothing will ever replace her, and she will always be a part of our family. I also know she would want us to have more children, because for as much happiness as she brought us there was also so much sadness, we need more happiness. And like Seth told me on the phone last night at midnight when I called him because I couldn't stop crying, she would want me to be happy, I just need to learn to allow myself to be happy and not feel guilty about it.