Milestones

Yesterday the 24th was Amelia's 1 month birthday, a day most parent's get to celebrate and go "Oh my gosh! I can't believe that it has been a month already, look at how much my baby has changed!" I on the other hand got up yesterday and went to my first appointment with a psychiatrist (I think that was her title?). We just talked about the reason why I was there and what my goals and expectations were for my sessions. I talked to her about the guilt that I am feeling, the anger I feel towards myself, and just the sadness I feel on a daily basis. She "diagnosed" me with an adjustive depressive disorder, which at this point I don't need anti depressants for, which is good because I really want to avoid having to go on them, but I will if I need to. I am going back once a week for the next month and then we will see where I am at emotionally. She also told me that the guideline for the timeline of grieving is 13 months, this is because you have to have time to get past all the milestones. I have a hard time thinking that in 13 months I will be fine. I mean right now every Monday I think to myself, "Well you would be 25 weeks or whatever week in pregnancy I would be". Come the end of April I know I would have been preparing for the arrival of Amelia. And everytime I see a baby Amelia's age I will wonder what she would be like at that age, what she would look like. So 13 months, my ass! I will be doing this for the rest of my life, I just pray I stop crying everytime I see a baby girl one of these days. But all in all I feel that my sessions will be beneficial for me. So after this appointment I went to the funeral home to pay our funeral bill, I have been putting it off for a couple weeks and figured it wasn't going to get any easier so just suck it up and go. I also had another reason to go there, I ordered a cremation necklace and I needed one of the funeral directors to fill my necklace with some of Amelia's ashes. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, don't get me wrong I didn't want to stay there any longer then I had to be, but I didn't cry and I thought that was a good sign. When I left there I had to run to the DMV for Seth and then I met my friend Jenny for lunch, which was fun and good to see and talk to her. From there it was to the bank and to Staples for Seth and then finally pick Aiden up from school. Things started to go downhill on the way home when I heard Aiden tell his friend Noah, "If my baby sister was alive, we could just take her to your house for daycare and I could just come pick her up when I got home from school". I had to keep it together, I didn't want to cry infront of these boys and I especially didn't want Aiden to feel bad, I am so happy he is able to talk about Amelia. I just go angry that these words had to even come out of a 7 year olds mouth. From there my night was bad, I cried off and on most of the night, I just couldn't keep it together. Luckily Seth got home early from work so he was there for me with his hugs that help. I was exhausted and decided to go to bed about 10 and then I got in bed and decided I would start another book on coping with losing a child, bad idea. I read the first page and it started out with talking about why it is so hard to lose a child is because you begin bonding with your child during infancy, when they depend on you the most. I just started sobbing, my Amelia was depending on me and I failed her is all I could think. I layed in bed just crying and crying and as soon as I was feeling like I was done I would look over and see her picture that I have in my closet or her urn that sits on my nightstand and I would start sobbing again. I miss her so much and the reality just caught up with me, that it has been a month since I got to hold my baby, even though it feels so much longer. I finally had to ask Seth to come into the bedroom and lay with me because I just couldn't be alone anymore. It was better when he was there, we talked and I confessed that as much as I want another baby, I don't, I want Amelia not a different baby. I am so scared that when we have another one I will hold that baby and just wish he or she was Amelia. I am scared I won't love the next one as much as I love her. All these thoughts just go through my head and it scares me. Plus, I am kinda jumping the gun, I still have to have my phone consultation with Dr. Haney tomorrow to make sure I am a candidate for the transabdominal cerclage. With a 95% and greater success rate I have absolutely no doubt this is the route I want to go, 75-80% just isn't good enough for me doing the other cerclages. So I am getting anxious for that conversation, I just wish Seth would be there to ask questions because I always forget things I want to ask. He is leaving tomorrow for Virginia to go pick up his dream pickup that he bought a week before we had Amelia. He was supposed to go right after Christmas, but with everything that happened he postponed the trip and now the day has come. I am not going to lie I am dreading him leaving. I haven't slept alone in a long time and I am scared, I might be sleeping with Aiden for a few nights. I feel like my anxiety level is throught the roof, I am just scared of something happening to him on the trip. I have read this is normal to have fears of something happening to your spouse or other children after the loss of a child. So I am not crazy, Yay! I will just be calling him constantly to check on him and I will probably drive him nuts, but that's ok. Other then that, I am in a much better place today then yesterday which is good. I had lunch with a girl that I went to high school with who recently had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was good to talk with her and share stories and experiences, but it breaks my heart that the reason we got together is because we have both been through a life changing, devastating experience. I hope at some point we can do lunch together and talk about our futures and hopefully have happy stuff to share with eachother! So Ashley thank you for getting together with me today and I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and I know there are great things in your future! So I will end this post since it is getting long and I will probably be writing tomorrow about my conversation with Dr. Haney and hopefully it is a good post and not a sad one. Good night!