Finding Trust at 7 Months

So I realize the the 7 month mark has come and gone, but we have been busy lately with family things and I just haven't had time to sit down and type. Plus with the Olympics on now all my free time is consumed with watching the USA! It just so happens to be on right now as I type! First of all I have to say that I am in a much better place emotionally right now then what I was at 6 months. I am feelinging like I have a handle on this grieving thing right now! It hasn't been like this for a long time, but just the past 2 weeks or so and there is a reason for this. I have really hesitated to put this out there, but then I figure it is my blog and I can write whatever I need or want to! I would like to start by saying that I believe in heaven and I believe everything that I hear in church and I listen to every sermon that my pastors preach. I believe with my whole heart that Amelia is safe in heaven and is being taken care of. With that being said I have had in the back of my mind for a long time the question of "what if?" Most parents are able to go into their babies room and check to make sure their baby is ok or listen in on the baby monitor or hold them in their arms to know they are loved and being taken care of, I don't have that. I have to trust in what I am told not by what I can see. My trust has wavered these past 7 months, trust in myself, trust in my body, trust in doctors, even my trust in God. I know that God doesn't punish people or just randomly pick something bad to happen to people. I know that he loves me and there is a reason Amelia had to go to heaven so soon. But I was really struggling with trust, so I made a decision and I know it was a controversial decision but I felt I had to do it. I decided to speak with a psychic medium. I talked to a lady whos sister in law had spoken with this woman after her son passed away from cancer, so I began doing some research on her. She lives in Fargo and does over the phone readings, and in person readings. I talked to Seth about it and he was very hesitant about it, and wanted me to talk to our pastors about it first. I called the pastor that was at the hospital with us and asked him his opinion about it. He basically told me that there are good and evil spirits at work and you can never be sure which the medium is connecting to. He assured me that Amelia was with God and my loved ones, but he also realized my trust issues and understood. He said that if I chose to speak with her take her advise for what it is and try not to read into it. With that being said I decided to go through with it and trust that this woman was going to give me something to hang on to. I chose to speak with her over the phone because I wasn't sure the next time I would be in Fargo and I didn't want to drive there just for a 30 minute conversation. We started the conversation with her giving me a reading about me and my life and what she saw for my future. She said she saw piles of dirt under a rug, which means that I am trying to clean up messes. Makes sense my life has been a mess for the last how many months. For my future she said she saw bubbles and joy overflowing. This made me feel happy that I will feel that again someday. Finally she said the word trust kept flashing and she wasn't she why. This is when I really started to feel like I was doing the right thing. She told me that I need to trust myself and trust in the process in whatever I am doing in life. Finally we got to the main reason why I was doing this, Amelia. She said she sensed a small spirit around me and I knew that it was Amelia. I asked her if Amelia was angry at me for not being able to help her stay with us, and she said no that there was no anger that she is happy and peaceful. My final question was who she was with. I knew in my heart that she would be with one of my grandmas or Seth's grandma. She began to describe the personality of the person and I knew right away that it was either my Grandma Lois or Seth's Grandma Lu. They were very similiar. After me asking more question I was finally able to figure out that it was my Grandma Lois that was coming through. She passed away when I was very young only about 4, and I have very few memories of her. Fortunately I know a lot about her from stories my mom and aunts have told me. She also had a baby pass away, her baby was also a girl and she was born sleeping. This is something my grandma struggled with because she never got to hold her or have any closure, she was told to just forget about this baby and pretend it never happened, I can't even imagine. So I know that she knows what I am going through, and the questions and the anxiety of not knowing. So she was there to tell me that Amelia is with her. The lady said that while we were on the phone she got goosebumps when she heard my grandma say "Oh hunny don't worry she is being taken care of" At this point I was crying because it was such a powerful message. In my heart I knew my grandma would be there for Amelia because she knows what its like to lose a child, but to hear her words it is so comforting. This is when we ended our session, and I had to be done asking questions. There were so many things I wanted to ask my grandma, but I know that someday I will be able to ask her myself. When I hung up I felt so different, this reading didn't feel wrong or evil, it felt right and comforting. I have prayed multiple times since this and I have promised to not do another reading I don't want to become dependant upon this. This reading was a one time thing and I am happy with what I got out of it. I thank God for allowing me hear my grandma's words and the relief that it has brought me to know that my precious Amelia is in her arms. There are so many people that probably won't understand my reasoning or question whether what I was told was real or made up. My response is that until you have lost a child you have no idea how desparate you will become to find some answers and some comfort in your agony. This was my comfort and it felt real, there is no way she could have known most of the things that she said to me and she was very sincere so I trusted that she had my best interest at heart. So this is the reason why I am in good place, I feel Amelia with me, as I did before, but now it makes me feel happy instead of sad. I know she is happy and being taken care of and I know that she knows how much I love her and miss her and I also know that she is not angry with me, which was a huge fear of mine for a long time. I am also very optomistic about my future because I know that Amelia is going to help bring me that joy and she will be a part of it. I have finally found my trust!

Happy 4th in Heaven

Happy 4th of July in heaven Amelia! I thought about you all day wondering if you were here what we would be doing. Would you have slept through the fireworks? or would you have been like your big brother was and like them!

We went to the air show and everywere I looked were pregnant women, it is so frustrating. I realize that I would no longer be pregnant at this point, but it is so hard to see big bellies. I try not to notice them, but I also find myself looking at every women's stomach when she walks by me. I think now it is because I want so badly to be pregnant again and now I am just scared that I won't be able to get pregnant for some reason, so I am jealous of everyone else that is. Sometimes I swear I am going crazy. After the air show we came home and Aiden and Seth did some fireworks and we sent a memorial lantern to heaven for Amelia. I was excited to do it, but the second I let go of the lantern the tears started flowing like a waterfall. I had this whole vision of taking a close up picture of the lantern and then watching it float to heaven, but I just couldn't do it. This wasn't what we were supposed to be doing on the Fourth of July. I wanted to do something special for Amelia for her 1st Fourth of July, and I just hope she liked it! Here is the one picture that Seth took of the lantern before it got to far away!

Dear Amelia

Dear Amelia,
Happy 6 Month Birthday in heaven baby girl! I wish so badly that you were here to celebrate with us, but I am sure you had a beautiful celebration with all the angels. I miss you so much every single second of every single day. There is never a moment that goes by that I don't think of you. I often daydream about you and wonder what your hair would have been like, brown and curly like mine or blonde like Daddy's. If you would have hazel eyes, if you would have had your Daddy and big brothers's crazy sense of humor. Or would you be stubborn and dramatic like me! I am often reminded of you through songs I hear, butterflies, rainbows and most recently thunder. Aiden and I like to think when it thunders it is you learning how to crawl. These things make me feel better and I like to think you are sending them to me to cheer me up. I have shared your story with many peopleand everyone that hears about you and sees your picture think you are so beautiful and so strong. We are helping people by sharing your story and I am so proud of you for that Even though you are not here physically you are still making a difference. Because of you I have met some amazing Mommies who's babies also went to heaven, you probably play with them. I know that you helped me find them so I wouldn't feel so alone in my grief. I hope you know how much you were wanted and how much you are loved. I feel so blessed that I got to spend 20 weeks and 6 days with you they were absolutely incredible, and that I am your Mommy you were and will forever be a true blessing. Even though you have been in heaven longer then you were here on earth my love for you hasn't changed. You will forever be my sweet baby girl. I promise to keep talking about you, saying your name and sharing your story. I promise to keep your memory alive, I promise. I love you!

I love you Amelia, to the moon and back,  Mommy

6 Months

The 6 month anniversary of Amelia's death has come and gone. I planned to write this sooner, but the words were just not there. I have been a human rollercoaster of emotions lately. I am not sure why all of a sudden so many things will just bring me to tears, but then again I guess if makes sense. Most recently it has been the weekly emails that I receive updating me on the milestones that Amelia should be hitting had she been born on her due date. I don't read them they are all just deleted, but everytime I press delete it feels so awful. These are emails that I should be wanting to open to make sure my baby is on track in her development. Instead they are a painful reminder of what I have lost. I know in my heart that Amelia is in heaven reaching all these milestones, but it breaks my heart that I am not there to witness them.
The past 6 months have gone by so fast and yet so slow, it is hard to explain. I feel as if I have aged 20 years these past 6 months, must be the stress and crying. Everytime an anniversary day comes I instantly think back to those 3 awful days in December. I replay everything in my head over and over and wonder if different decisions would have been made would I have been able to stay pregnant longer. I also replay the moments after Amelia was born. Seeing her for the first time and seeing how beautiful she was, how perfect she was. I also remember kissing her tiny head and how warm it was. Then her tiny heard became colder and colder, a memory that is burned into my memory forever, something no parent should ever experience. I remember trying so hard to keep her warm with my body and blankets knowing it wouldn't work, but praying for a miracle. I kept thinking maybe she will suddenly take a breath, start crying and open her eyes and she would be ok. I knew this wasn't going to happen, but I prayed it would. The hardest part of that night was leaving my baby girl in the arms of the nurse and walking out of the hospital with an empty belly, empty arms, and a broken heart. A heart that will forever be broken and missing my sweet Amelia. My strength and my faith have been tested beyond what I thought they ever would be in my life, and I feel that some days I have everything figured out. Then I have other days when I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, which has been happening more frequently lately. I breakdown in tears at the most random times, and try so desparately to control myself and not make a scene. I am hoping and praying that these moments become fewer and fewer with more time, and yet it doesn't seem like it has gotten any easier in the past 6 months. I am still trying to figure out this new life that I am living and still trying to figure out the person I am. All I know is that I am still struggling but I am ok and I have to be ok with that.

Go Ahead!

Today I had my post op appointment with my OB GYN Dr. Billings. Before I left Chicago Dr. Haney told me to make an appointment with Dr. Billings 2-3 weeks post surgery to make sure everything was healing properly. Well today was the day and everything looked good! Dr. Billings was so nice and so sincere and I just felt so comfortable with him. He answered all my questions that I had, which was quite a few. Most of my questions had to do with getting pregnant and what I should be doing or not doing before I get pregnant, I want to cover all my bases. All I had to do was get a Tdap vaccine (I think that is what it was) and all I know is that my arm is really sore! So as of now I am free to start trying to conceive! Well not now, Seth doesn't get home until Saturday! We still have to talk and make sure we are both ready to start this new journey, but at least I have been given a clean bill of health and have been told that I am doing everything right. Now I just have to try and not let my anxiety get the best of me, try and enjoy the rest of the summer and also look forward to mine and Seth's trip to Hawaii in Sept. Actually before I do any of that I will be looking forward to my hunny coming home!! Only 4 more days and he is home, I can't wait it's so strange without him!

All Better

It is so weird how much my feelings change these days, I am a rollercoaster for sure! A week after my surgery I was feeling so positive and upbeat about the future. Last week Monday hit me and I was 12 days post surgery and suddenly I felt like my world was crashing around me.....again. I think it was a combination of Seth not being home and it just feeling weird here without him home. I think the other reason is that I had this idea in my head that once I had my TAC surgery everything would be better. It was for a little while, but in reality it wasn't. I spent last week Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday crying off and on all day. It was music, TV, movies, the mall, the movie theater, everytime I turned around there was pregnant women, babies, and things that reminded me that I am NOT a new mommy to a baby here on earth. I was not in a good place emotionally. I thought about calling my councelor so I had someone to talk to, but I decided not to. I really wanted to talk to Seth, but I really didn't want to dump anything more onto his plate since he is very stressed out with his training in Houston. Instead I just dealt with it on my own, and tried really hard to get to a better place. Luckily I was able to pull myself together and keep moving forward. Now I am about 3 weeks post surgery and I am feeling better then last week, thankfully! Thinking about these last 3 weeks I think I had a false sense of what this surgery was going to bring me. Yes it is giving me the security that I will not lose another baby due to IC, but it is not taking away the pain of losing Amelia. I was feeling guilty about feeling excited about the future and the potential of a new baby. I know Amelia wants me to be happy, but sometimes it just feels so wrong to even entertain the idea of having another baby. I think I have been anticipating this surgery for so many months that I was expecting it to fill that void in my heart, and it didn't. When I started realizing that the void is still there and its not going away it was hard. I now that no one or nothing will ever take Amelia's place, but I want so desparately to be ok with what happened, but I know that will likely never happen. I guess this is just another stage in grieving, thinking that your all better and then realizing you really aren't. I am ok with not being all better, I don't think I am ready to be better. I am still grieving my daughter and I will for the rest of my life. I know now that nothing is going to "fix" me and make me better, but I now I have to keep moving forward and living my life because that is what Amelia would want me to do. I also have to keep looking to the future because that is what is going to make everything that I have gone through over the past 6 months worth it. I know that someday I will have a baby in my arms that never would have been if Amelia had lived and that baby will have a little piece of Amelia in him or her. That is what I need to focus on and move toward.

Surgery

It was even a double rainbow!

The rainbow on the way home, it was so big Seth couldn't get the
whole thing in the pic!

Finally Wednesday May 30th had arrived. Almost 4 months after I scheduled the surgery the day was here. We got to the hospital about an hour early, Seth was worried about traffic, and of course we drove right there without any problems! I finally got called back to the pre op area about 10 am, and the nerves really set in, plus Seth couldn't come with me so I didn't like that either. Pre op was pretty standard, except this time when asked about my surgery history I had a lot more of a history then ever before. After telling the nurses and med students my history and seeing the saddness in their eyes I started crying. I had to apoligize and of course they understood. It is women like me that they deal with everyday, except most of the women that get this surgery have lost multiple babies, not one. At one point I was telling one of Dr. Haney's med students about Amelia, while getting my IV in and I started crying and I usually don't cry anymore so I am not sure if it was the pain from the IV or just the emotions of the day coming out! Finally Seth was able to come in and Dr. Haney came in, and we met him for the first time, and he was great, I felt complete trust in him! He explain the surgery and the recovery and then Seth headed to the waiting room and I walked myself into the operating room. I had never done that before so that was new, but oh well! I remember getting the oxygen mask put on and being told I was going to be given something to relax me, well that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in recover and feeling like I had been cut in half. It is amazing how you forget how much something hurts after a period of time. I mean I had a c-section with Aiden and I remember thinking this is not so bad, well I must be a big weiny these days because holy crap it hurt! Once the drugs kicked in though, it was all good! I have a very spotty memory of the rest of Wednesday, I know I talked to my mom a couple times, but I only remember a little bit of our second conversation. The next morning I tried eating and that did not go well, I just stuck to crackers and water! Dr. Haney came in about 11:30 to check on me and gave us the go ahead to leave. Seemed weird that in less then 24 hours you have major abdominal surgery and then you go home, but I was ready to leave. Of course we left the hospital and the whole trip we never encountered a second of traffic, well we got our taste of it on our way back to Elgin to get to our hotel. A 40 minute trip turned into 2 1/2 hours, I was miserable. I wanted to cry, but I knew that wasn't going to help and Seth felt awful already so I just sucked it up. We made it to our hotel and my meds were all messed up, I was behind and I was in some serious pain. Seth was incredible and took such good care of me, I am so grateful that he was there! The next day it was game on, Bismarck was our destination, another 13 hours in the car. I felt good right away and then I was hit by pain and the urge to throw up, luckily I fell asleep shortly after that and slept through the traffic AGAIN! After I woke up we were half way through Wisconsin! The rest of the trip was pretty good, just long. What was awesome was when we were about 20 minutes outside of Bismarck I looked in my mirror and I could see a rainbow. I had Seth stop and take pictures for me since I couldn't turn around or get out of the car very easily. It was the first rainbow I have seen since Amelia passed away. I thought it perfect timing to see that. With everything we have been through, we are finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. We know now that we will get our rainbow baby someday and we will get to keep him or her. Some people may think I am crazy but I really feel like Amelia made sure I would see a rainbow to let me know I made the right decision and that she is still with us. We got to Seth's parents house about 9 pm and I went straight to bed. While laying in bed and thinking about how bad my stomach hurt, I came to a realization. My stomach hurts so I take a pain killer and the pain goes away, my heart has been aching for 5 months and there is no pain killer for that. If I can tolerate the ache in my heart I can tolerate my stomach. This surgery and the pain that goes along with it are so worth it, and I would do it again tomorrow! So anyway, the next morning, Saturday we got up and headed to Hazen to pick up Aiden and Bronx from my parents, they picked him up on Wednesday from Seth's parents house. They had to share him! The weather was great so we hung out at the lake for the day and I relaxed in a chair and Seth, Aiden and my Dad went on a boat ride while my mom and aunt and I stayed at the camper. I didn't think a bumpy boat ride would feel very good! We got home later then we expected, but we made it! The bad part was as soon as we got home Seth turned into a crazy man, because he had to get all the laundry done, lawn mowed, groceries bought, and everything put away because he had to fly to Houston today, well actually at 5:30 am! He will be gone for 20 days in Houston for work and it totally sucks with him being gone, but I will manage. It will be worth it in the end, because this is a really great opportunity for him! Aiden was put in charge of the house while Seth is away so he is taking good care of me! So now it's just me and my Aiden and of course Bronx too, who I think is broken, he has only been up 2 times all day! The lake takes it right out of him! These next 20 days will be long, but hopefully will go fast! So as I sit here thinking about this past week, I feel different then I did a week ago. I feel hopeful about the future, because I know there are good things to come for us. I don't know what they are, but I do know it's good! This is all thanks to Amelia, because without her keeping me strong I would have given up. I wish more then anything that I could have had this surgery before so she didn't have to die, and that hurts but she is making sure I don't have to lose another baby again. I feel like having this surgery has closed this chapter, I will obviously never forget this past one and I don't want to. I just feel that I owe it to Amelia to move forward in the most positive way I can and make her proud of me. I refuse to give up on my future, even though it is not the future I imagined. Amelia will forever be a part of our family and will forever be our 2nd child, our baby girl, so she will be in all future chapters of my life and I can finally say that I am excited about these next chapters, finally!