I have heard this phrase many times before, but I never REALLY understood it until now. "A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words". Recently I went to the mail and received a card from someone and inside were pictures from Christmas. Usually I would be excited to see pictures because I usually love Christmas and seeing pictures from it just make me happy. Not this year! I knew exactly what pictures it would be and I really hesitated to open the card and look at the pictures, I thought to myself just wait for Seth to get home and you can open it together. But NO I HAD to open the card by myself, big mistake! The first picture in the stack was a picture of Seth, Aiden and me with my big old belly, taken the night before my world changed forever. I just stared at the picture and I remembered how happy I was that night. Anticipating Christmas and all the excitement that goes along with that and all the good food we were planning on having and seeing my family, many of them hadn't seen me with my pregnant belly yet so I knew they would be excited to see it. I just looked at the girl in the picture and I wished so bad I was that girl again, but I am not and never will be again. My life has forever changed, FOREVER. I was also really sad that this was the last real picture of the 4 of us, with Amelia alive. and just typing that makes me cry because it is so sad to me. How do you go from being so happy and loving life to being completely devastated......how? It's amazing the difference 12 hours makes, from the time this picture was taken, 12 hours later I was scared to death because I knew something was wrong. I know the person that sent the pictures to us never meant to make me upset and at first I was really angry they sent them, why would they send these pictures, its only been 6 1/2 weeks?! Then I became thankful that they sent them because I at least have one last happy moment captured in a picture of the 4 of us. I just wish so badly that I was going to have many many more happy moments captured in pictures of the 4 of us, but unfortunately that will never happen. I now know the meaning of the phrase "A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words" because this picture is for me.
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| Wednesday December 21, 2011 The Hoff Family |
The other picture I have that I can't even begin to put into words how much I cherish it, is a picture that Seth took with my phone shortly before we left the hospital and left our baby girl behind. I am so happy that he decided to take this picture and I look at it everyday. It's in a frame next to my bed and the wallpaper on my phone, so I can look at it whenever I feel sad. It's a picture of me holding Amelia for the last time in the hospital. While Seth carried our things out to the car, I layed on my hospital bed with her and snuggled one last time, I told her things I have never told anyone, not even Seth, its just between us and it will be forever. I wish everyday that I could go back and have that moment back, but I know I can't so I will cherish it always, just me and my baby girl.
Mommy and Amelia snuggling one last time.
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I am so terribly sorry for your loss, i just recently went through the same thing and im sitting here reading your blog with tears rolling down my face,because i know how you feel and i know how much it hurts, i wish i could say i have someone like your husband to be there for me and support me but i don't, i'm doing it by myself because he was also taken from me before this happened so i have lost alot .. i know things will get better and i maybe able to get past this, but i just wanted to tell you you are doing great, and you are a strong woman for putting this public!!! thank you it gives me some hope
ReplyDeleteLindsey I am not sure if you received this reply to your comment, I was trying to reply using my phone and I couldn't tell if it went through or not. Just know that I am still thinking about you and will continue to pray for you!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Lindsey, I am so sorry for your loss. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I can't imagine having to go through it alone. I pray that you have family and friends to give you the love and support that you need right now. My heart breaks when I hear from another mommy who has an angel baby. I promise that this road is excruciatingly difficult, but with time you will learn how to integrate your loss into your life. I remember shortly after Amelia died that I made the decision that I had to continue to live for her. I very easily could have gone done a path of depression but I worked really hard not to do that. Not to say I don't have days when I feel like death is the easier option but I know I NEED to be here to make sure Amelia is not forgotten and to share out story. Please contact me anytime you feel like you need support, I am here for you and I understand the road you are in. Know you are not alone in this journey, it is shitty but you have mommies like me who will do whatever we can to help you through! You will be in my prayers and I pray for peace and comfort in your life. I know our babies are in heaven watching over us and they are smiling down on us right now! Lots of hugs and love sent your way! Please feel free to share your story with me if you like, sharing was very healing for me! My email is natasha.hoff@hotmail.com
What a sweet picture of a mama with her baby. Brings tears to my eyes. It really is crazy how from one day to the next, your face can be so radiant and full of joy, with such a big smile...to completely and utterly devastated. Heartbroken. I am so sorry.
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