6 Week Postpartum

Well today marked my 6 week postpartum appointment with Dr. Billings. It is hard to believe that 6 weeks have passed already, but then again it feels like forever since I last got to hold Amelia. I was nervous yesterday anticipating the appointment, I wasn't sure how the appointment was going to go. I was hoping for a more definite answer to why I developed an incompetant cervix, and if I could have done anything to prevent it. So Seth and I got up this morning and went to the appointment, on the way there I started to think about the waiting room. Everytime I have ever been to an OB doctor the waiting room is always filled with pregnant women and/or women witht there new babies. I was neither woman. I was empty inside and my arms were empty. This sucked and was totally not fair. Luckily when we got to the waiting room there was no one in it and Seth and I just sat there alone filling out new patient forms. This was the first time I have had to mark on a form how many children I have, and how many living. I had to stop and think for a second and put 2 for the number of children, this number has changed, but only 1 for how many living, unfortunately this number hasn't changed. We finally got called into an exam room and of course had to stop at the scale and get weighed, which I swear is never correct. We got into the room and the nurse asked me a question that I hadn't even thought about being asked on our drive to the appointment. I sat down and she sat down and looked at me and in the most chipper voice said "So where's the baby at this morning?" I think I stopped breathing for a minute and then I looked at her and thought to myself, "Is she fucking kidding me!" (excuse the language but seriously) I honestly thought she was joking and then I thought who would joke about something like this. Then I thought this poor girl so did not read my chart before she came and got me. This all happened in a 10 second time span and I finally came up with the words to respond to her and said "my baby is not alive" I don't think I have actually said those words out loud in that context before. She looked dumbfounded and said she was sorry, and then I started crying. I was crying because I knew she didn't know and I felt bad because I am sure they don't get very many women in that have lost their baby. She felt bad and I didn't even expect to be asked that question, I hadn't prepared myself. So after that the appointment was pretty routine, I was asked the question I am asked frequently, "do you ever think about hurting yourself?" I just looked at the nurse and said "not recently". She looked at me like I was crazy, and I reassured her I was fine. She asked me the question and I answered it honestly, what did she expect me to say?! I can't imagine very many mothers haven't at least thought about hurting themselves after the loss of a child. At moments it feels like the easy way out, because you hurt so bad. I know I would never do anything to hurt myself but I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind a few times. Dr. Billings came in after all that and checked me out and answered our questions the best he could. He is willing to work with us and the Dr. Haney in Chicago to help us when I become pregnant again someday and was very understanding about our decision. He was unfortunately unable to answer our why questions. He didn't have any answers, which we didn't think he would, but were hoping. Everything he told us, we already knew. We left feeling about the same as we did walking in, Seth was still pissed at the nurse but eventually got over it. He is pretty protective of me these days, I love him for that! So that is about it for the highlights of my postpartum appointment. Now I just wait until May 30th to roll around so I can take the next step in getting closer to becoming pregnant again. It is weird to think that it is possible that this time next year I could be pregnant and I could be a mommy to 3, a number that I never thought would happen. I am excited about that!