Mixed Feelings

Well it has been a few days since I have written and I have all sorts of things going on in my head that I need to get out....again! Seth made it home safe and sound, thank God! He got home on Sunday afternoon with his brand new Ford Raptor pickup. It is black and huge and I think I may adopt it as MY new ride, it just needs my girly touch and it will be perfect. I was so relieved when Seth got home and I have to say for some reason I felt kinda mad when he got home. Actually I think I know why I was kinda mad, I thought he was going to be home earlier than he was and I was just anxious and just needed him home. So when he walked in the door I didn't go running to greet him, instead I started crying. It just felt so good to have him home safe and I know it sounds crazy but with the last month that we have had I was just waiting for another bad thing to happen. So once I was over my being a little mad at him, I checked out the new pickup and we took it for a ride. The other big thing that has happened it that I was able to schedule my transabdominal cerclage today! I am so excited to get this surgery, but it has also brought a lot of emotions with it. I know I have said it before and I know I will probably say it a hundred times more, but being excited about this surgery feels wrong to me. I feel like I am betraying Amelia by looking forward to having another baby. I know this is not true, but it just feels that way and I am hoping that with time I will get over this feeling and not feel guilty about her death. For now I am just trying to work through this guilt and keep moving forward and I feel that having this surgery will help me do this. We just have to wait for the dang insurance company to approve the surgery. I am not a very patient person and it can take up to 3 months for them to approve a surgery, which is soooo frustrating to me. Thankfully everyone we have had to talk to about getting referral letters sent and my medical records sent, have been so nice and accomodating. I just pray that they approve the surgery, because I feel that without this surgery I will not have anymore babies. I am just not willing to take a chance on the transvaginal cerclage not working and losing another baby. I am a little stressed about this insurance thing and I told Seth that if they don't approve the surgery then we won't do it because it will cost $25,000 to $30,000 to have it without insurance. Him being the amazing husband he is tells me that I will have the surgery regardless, and we will figure out how to pay for it even if we have to take a loan out. I love him so much and he just knows how to calm me down when I get all worked up. I also felt like I needed to apologize to him because all the medical expenses we have accumulated in the past month, I feel like its all my fault. Which he told me to stop and that this wasn't my fault, again my guilt getting the best of me. I really hope I am able learn to deal with this during my therapy sessions. On a completely different note I started reading the book "Heaven is For Real" on Monday, I received it as a gift from my frien Tass. It is Wednesday and I am almost done with it, needless to say, I love the book. It has made me cry a couple times, but overall it has made me feel so much better about heaven and Amelia being there. This book paints a picture of heaven that puts a smile on my face that my baby is there and will be waiting for me. We also bought the kids version of the book for Aiden and I read it to him tonight and he really liked it too. I asked him if the book made him feel better about heaven and baby Amelia being there, and he said "Yes"! He really liked the pictures and I think it really eased his anxiety about death and going to heaven, because now he knows its now scary and it is beautiful there. Being the fisherman he is, he also wanted to know if all the fish he has caught will also be there! I told him I wasn't sure, but I am sure they go to fish heaven, he thought that was pretty cool! Well this pretty much sums up the last fews days in the Hoff household, Seth has 3 more days off before he has to go back to work so I will enjoy finding things for him to do around the house! Please just keep your fingers crossed that the insurance company comes through and approves my surgery so that come May 30th I will be able to have the surgery that will allow me to carry any future babies full term and I will never have to go throught the heartbreak of losing another 20 week baby. I have one angel baby watching over me and I love her to pieces, but I really don't want another one.