2 Months

As I sit here on my couch thinking about the past two months I just can't believe it has been two months. Part of me feels like the time has gone by fast and part of me feels like it has just been dragging on and on. This week has been a really up and down week for me, and I think it was just me anticipating today. Monday started pretty good, I started a new diet so I was excited to start my journey of losing 30lbs before my surgery in May. I was refreshed and still a little tired from my girls weekend, and overall a descent day, plus Aiden was home with me! Tuesday was a different story, I just struggled the whole day with being sad about Amelia. I kept thinking about all the milestones she will never get to, and all the moments that I will never get to see with her. I am not sure who I am more sad for, her or me. I know she is happy and reaching all those milestones in heaven, so it must just be me being sad for me. Wednesday was my worst day, I knew I had to go pick up Amelia's death certificate at the funeral home and that they also had the DVD of her funeral ready. I got ready and forced myself to go get it over with. I walked in and told the lady that I was there to pick up my daughters death certificate and funeral DVD, not a sentence anyone should ever have to say, it sucked. I walked out, got in my car and looked at the certificate, lets just say it felt like someone reached in and was squeezing my heart and wouldn't let go. For a minute I thought I was having a heart attack, my chest just hurt, my heart hurt. After that I had to go do the other thing that I have been dreading, going to the social security office to try and get Amelia a social security number. I went in and explained to the lady what I needed, trying to fight back my tears and then she had to go talk with her manager. I sat down and just cried, here I sit with Amelia's birth certificate with the word "DECEASED" in red stamped on it in one hand and her death certificate in with all the details in the other hand. This sucked so bad. Then the nosey security guard decided to try and strike up a conversation with me about what he thought they were doing. I just nodded and didn't say much because I knew I would really start crying. Never thought I would ever be sitting in the social security office crying. Finally the lady came back and told me that because my daughter was deceased she wasn't going to ever need a number and that it was pointless to give her one. SERIOUSLY?! As if I need to be reminded of this fact, I realized my daughter is dead, she will never go to school, have a job, drive a car, get married, have a baby, she will never do any of the things that require a social security number, I realize that. What will it hurt for her to have a number, one last thing to make her like other living babies. I know we will never use it, but what will it hurt for her to have one. Typically I would have said all of that and questioned her, but by this point I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and I just started sobbing right there in front of the lady, the security guard, and some other lady that was there. I went and got in my car and just sobbed, this sucked. I finally managed to drive home and decided that I should get the mail since I hadn't gotten it for a couple days and low and behold, a bill from Trinity. This day was just getting better and better. Opened and it up and we now owe them $4,000.00 for my hospital stays, which were we not expecting it to be that much, then I opened up our EOB from insurance to find we are going to owe St. A's $1,000 for my D&C. This on top of all the other bills we have already paid, I had some serious guilt going on. So I laid on the couch bawling because this day sucked and I felt like crap, so then Aiden's school calls to tell me he ran into a pole at recess and has a bump on his head. They said he's doing fine, but just to be aware in case he gets sick or drowsy at home later. This day was getting more ridiculous the longer it went. I finally went to pick up Aiden and he was fine and the bump wasn't bad so that made me feel better, but I was still just having a hard time with everything else. Seth got home and knew about everything and asked if I just wanted to go out for supper tonight, but then I told him no because he hadn't heard about our medical bills that came in the mail that day. I showed him and apoligized because I feel like this is all my fault. He of course tells me its not my fault that it will be fine and says all the right things to make me feel better. It is just so overwhelming, we have never had medical expenses like this and we are so lucky we have insurance because I can't imagine what we would do if we didn't. The rest of the night went ok, probably because Seth and Aiden we home and took my mind off of everything else going on. Yesterday was an ok day, my hair stylist called me to tell me she had her baby girl that morning, and tell me she had to cancel my hair appointment that was scheduled for Monday. I am super excited for her, she had to really work for this baby and she just sounded so happy. I am glad it happened Thursday and not Wednesday, I don't think I could have handled that on top of everything else. Last night, this is probably to much info but I really don't care, I got my period and it just sent me into a downward spiral. For some reason I just got sad, my body is getting back to normal almost 2 months exactly to the day that I had Amelia. My body is over the post pregnancy thing and it shouldn't be, I should be almost 29 weeks pregnant right now and I am not, I have my period. My body is normal and nothing else about me is, everything else has changed so much. I guess I should try and be happy that at least one part of me is back to normal again. So here I sit on my couch on Friday 2 months later, today I feel ok, maybe it's because I have cried so much already this week that I just can't anymore, who knows. I still miss Amelia every second of every day, and wish I could hold her tiny little body one more time, and kiss her cold little head one more time, and wrap her little feet up in a blanket to try and warm them up because they are so cold one more time, but I can't. I still struggle with that, I don't get to do any of those things again, and I hope that with time I will just be thankful for the time I had and not wish for more, but I don't think that day will ever come, I will always wish for another chance. So happy 2 month birthday Amelia Harper, I wish you were here celebrating this milestone with me instead of in heaven, but I am sure you are getting a great celebration there. I love you to the moon and back a million times! Love Mommy