Recovery

I started reading a book the other night and the author who lost an adult son, wrote about the word recovery. She said that the word recovery means to return to normal, like after you have had the flu or a drug problem. She said that the word recovery is ridiculous when referring to a parent's grieving process. We never recover because we never go back to normal, that person we were before our child died is gone forever. I thought this was such an interesting thing because it is so true, I will never be the same person, I am forever changed. Instead she says we integrate the death into our lives, we learn to live with the death and not forget and not dwell on it. She compared it to a butterfly, the whole catepillar, caccoon, butterfly process. This journey I am one has transformed me into a different person from the one I was 2 months ago and I am trying to integrate Amelia's death into my life and the life of everyone else. I don't want anyone to forget her, but I don't want to dwell on her death either. I need to live my life and try and be as happy as I can be, because I do have a good life! I just thought I would share that because I found it interesting, a different perspective on this crazy journey I am on. I now have to obsessions angels and butterflies. Everytime I see anything with an angel I feel the need to buy it, and I am really wanting a ring I found online that has a butterfly on it. I just need to get Seth on board, its only $292, I think it will go on the don't really need it now list! I kinda feel like everytime I look at it I will be reminded of the journey I am on, the progress I have made and that if it wasn't for Amelia's and her coming into our lives I wouldn't have this newfound appreciation for all the good in my life and never take things for granted, like getting pregnant, staying pregnant, having a healthy baby. I will appreciate everything so much more because of her, I wish I could have figured that out without having to lose her, but I think that is the message I am taking away from all of this. In Amelia's short life she has forever changed mine.

2 Months

As I sit here on my couch thinking about the past two months I just can't believe it has been two months. Part of me feels like the time has gone by fast and part of me feels like it has just been dragging on and on. This week has been a really up and down week for me, and I think it was just me anticipating today. Monday started pretty good, I started a new diet so I was excited to start my journey of losing 30lbs before my surgery in May. I was refreshed and still a little tired from my girls weekend, and overall a descent day, plus Aiden was home with me! Tuesday was a different story, I just struggled the whole day with being sad about Amelia. I kept thinking about all the milestones she will never get to, and all the moments that I will never get to see with her. I am not sure who I am more sad for, her or me. I know she is happy and reaching all those milestones in heaven, so it must just be me being sad for me. Wednesday was my worst day, I knew I had to go pick up Amelia's death certificate at the funeral home and that they also had the DVD of her funeral ready. I got ready and forced myself to go get it over with. I walked in and told the lady that I was there to pick up my daughters death certificate and funeral DVD, not a sentence anyone should ever have to say, it sucked. I walked out, got in my car and looked at the certificate, lets just say it felt like someone reached in and was squeezing my heart and wouldn't let go. For a minute I thought I was having a heart attack, my chest just hurt, my heart hurt. After that I had to go do the other thing that I have been dreading, going to the social security office to try and get Amelia a social security number. I went in and explained to the lady what I needed, trying to fight back my tears and then she had to go talk with her manager. I sat down and just cried, here I sit with Amelia's birth certificate with the word "DECEASED" in red stamped on it in one hand and her death certificate in with all the details in the other hand. This sucked so bad. Then the nosey security guard decided to try and strike up a conversation with me about what he thought they were doing. I just nodded and didn't say much because I knew I would really start crying. Never thought I would ever be sitting in the social security office crying. Finally the lady came back and told me that because my daughter was deceased she wasn't going to ever need a number and that it was pointless to give her one. SERIOUSLY?! As if I need to be reminded of this fact, I realized my daughter is dead, she will never go to school, have a job, drive a car, get married, have a baby, she will never do any of the things that require a social security number, I realize that. What will it hurt for her to have a number, one last thing to make her like other living babies. I know we will never use it, but what will it hurt for her to have one. Typically I would have said all of that and questioned her, but by this point I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and I just started sobbing right there in front of the lady, the security guard, and some other lady that was there. I went and got in my car and just sobbed, this sucked. I finally managed to drive home and decided that I should get the mail since I hadn't gotten it for a couple days and low and behold, a bill from Trinity. This day was just getting better and better. Opened and it up and we now owe them $4,000.00 for my hospital stays, which were we not expecting it to be that much, then I opened up our EOB from insurance to find we are going to owe St. A's $1,000 for my D&C. This on top of all the other bills we have already paid, I had some serious guilt going on. So I laid on the couch bawling because this day sucked and I felt like crap, so then Aiden's school calls to tell me he ran into a pole at recess and has a bump on his head. They said he's doing fine, but just to be aware in case he gets sick or drowsy at home later. This day was getting more ridiculous the longer it went. I finally went to pick up Aiden and he was fine and the bump wasn't bad so that made me feel better, but I was still just having a hard time with everything else. Seth got home and knew about everything and asked if I just wanted to go out for supper tonight, but then I told him no because he hadn't heard about our medical bills that came in the mail that day. I showed him and apoligized because I feel like this is all my fault. He of course tells me its not my fault that it will be fine and says all the right things to make me feel better. It is just so overwhelming, we have never had medical expenses like this and we are so lucky we have insurance because I can't imagine what we would do if we didn't. The rest of the night went ok, probably because Seth and Aiden we home and took my mind off of everything else going on. Yesterday was an ok day, my hair stylist called me to tell me she had her baby girl that morning, and tell me she had to cancel my hair appointment that was scheduled for Monday. I am super excited for her, she had to really work for this baby and she just sounded so happy. I am glad it happened Thursday and not Wednesday, I don't think I could have handled that on top of everything else. Last night, this is probably to much info but I really don't care, I got my period and it just sent me into a downward spiral. For some reason I just got sad, my body is getting back to normal almost 2 months exactly to the day that I had Amelia. My body is over the post pregnancy thing and it shouldn't be, I should be almost 29 weeks pregnant right now and I am not, I have my period. My body is normal and nothing else about me is, everything else has changed so much. I guess I should try and be happy that at least one part of me is back to normal again. So here I sit on my couch on Friday 2 months later, today I feel ok, maybe it's because I have cried so much already this week that I just can't anymore, who knows. I still miss Amelia every second of every day, and wish I could hold her tiny little body one more time, and kiss her cold little head one more time, and wrap her little feet up in a blanket to try and warm them up because they are so cold one more time, but I can't. I still struggle with that, I don't get to do any of those things again, and I hope that with time I will just be thankful for the time I had and not wish for more, but I don't think that day will ever come, I will always wish for another chance. So happy 2 month birthday Amelia Harper, I wish you were here celebrating this milestone with me instead of in heaven, but I am sure you are getting a great celebration there. I love you to the moon and back a million times! Love Mommy

A Girl's Weekend

This past weekend was the first getaway I have had since our overnighter in Bismarck that turned into an ER visit and a D&C in January. Needless to say I was a little nervous about leaving Seth and Aiden and just my house in general, but i knew it would be good for me. This is a trip that was planned by my family after Amelia passed away, so everyone was getting together for me and I felt so loved by all of them. It was my mom, my aunts Cindy, Susie, and Lisa, my cousin Sarah, and my 2 close friends Brittney and Catherine. I left on Friday and picked up Catherine and Brittney in Bismarck and our road trip adventure began. We followed my aunts and mom in Seth's Raptor that he let me drive, I say let because he is very attached to his new pickup! We stopped in Jamestown and got gas and of course go some TCBY yogurt and hit the road in the Raptor again. We stopped again in Fargo to pick up my other aunt and sat and visited at her house for a little while and then got on the road to Detroit Lakes, MN. We got to our hotel and the wine drinking began and then we all got hungry and went to dinner and drank more wine. Mom, Catherine and I stayed up until about 3 am and then Catherine and I layed in bed until 4 giggling about who knows what, I say that because we both drank a bottle of wine so I seriously don't remember what! The next morning I woke up at 7:30, I never get up that early, and ate some breakfast and took a Motrin because my head hurt a little, big surprise. Then Catherine and I went for our pedicures and they were great. We got done with that and then Brittney and I went downtown DL for some shopping, well not a whole lot, but it was fun just hanging out, it had been WAY too long! We then headed back to the hotel because we had massage appointments to get to and didn't want to miss. Catherine and I tried to steam shower, but I just don't like to so we just sat and hung out waiting for our appointments. My massage was amazing and so relaxing, and of course Amelia came up and I told her story to the massage therapist who started crying. I tend to have that affect on people when I share Amelia's story, she was so sweet and I hope next year she can do my massage again! After our massages we headed back to the room to get ready for going out, tonight was Zorbaz! It was a fun evening just visiting with everyone and talking about our spa day. We drank more wine when we got back to the hotel, but I called it a night way earlier then Friday. I was fricking tired, I am not used to only 3 1/2 hours of sleep! We got up the next morning and got ready for our 6 hour trip home. Catherine, Brittney and I hit the road again, jammin in the Raptor and of course another yogurt stop was in order. This time it was Tutti Frutti in Fargo! I got home at about 5 and was so happy to see my boys I missed them like crazy, I honestly think the dog was most excited to see me! I had a fabulous time and feel so lucky that I have such an incredible family and friends that would take a weekend out of their busy lives and take a trip like this. We have decided to make this trip an annual thing and I thought that sounded like a great idea, I just hope on next years trip I will be  pregnant!                                                                                                       
 

Our collection of wine, 21 bottles to be exact!



My amazing mom, aunts, cousin and friends!



Catherine and I getting ready for our massages!



Valentines Day

Well I know this is a little late but I survived Valentines Day, without crying my eyes out the entire day. I missed my baby girl, but I know she was with me helping me get through the day. On the Monday before Valentines Day I went out and had to buy Aiden his present so I went to Target first. The first card I saw when I got to the card section was a little pink card that read "For Baby Girl's 1st Valentines Day". I started to get teary eyed and picked it up and I knew I had to buy it for Amelia. I went through Target, avoiding the baby section like I always do and was able to get what I needed without seeing any babies or pregnant women a fricking miracle these days! I then headed to the flower shop to pick up a balloon for Aiden and Amelia.They each received a stuffed animal and balloon and of course Amelia got some new fresh flowers. When I got home I set up Amelia's Valentines gifts on her table and wrote in her card. I thought it turned out cute, and of course I cried because this she will never get to enjoy the balloon or the stuffed monkey or a Valentines Day with me, it's just so damn hard and unfair. So Valentines Day came the next day and Seth got home early from work and took me out for lunch and bought me a pink orchid (one of my favorite flowers) and then that night Seth and I made a Valentines dinner and it was nice just being home with my boys. I also worked on filling Amelia's keepsake box with her precious little things. The box turned out beautifully and I love it and will cherish it forever, it fits perfectly on my dresser in our bedroom so I see it every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep.

A Coincidence

So on the same day that I received the card with the pictures in it I also received my packet from the University of Chicago for my surgery. I didn't really think anything of it, but this morning as I was showering it kinda came to me. How ironic is it that on the exact same day a card containing pictures of my past and a packet of information about my future would arrive together. I sat for a minute and that day and remember having the card on one side of me and the big packet of information on the other side of me. Talk about being sad and excited in the exact same moment. I have never been a very supersticious person, but ever since Amelia died I feel like I am constantly looking for signs from her. I truely think she had a hand in this. She knew that I would be sad from looking at the pictures, so she made sure the packet was there to perk me up a little bit. I am sure people would think I am crazy for thinking this and just say its just how the postal service works but I like to think it was my little Amelia helping out her mommy and trying to tell me that it's ok to be sad about what should have been, but it's also ok to be happy about what will be someday. I love when things like this happen, it really makes me feel that Amelia is watching out for me and doing her best to let me know that she's with me.

Pictures

I have heard this phrase many times before, but I never REALLY understood it until now. "A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words". Recently I went to the mail and received a card from someone and inside were pictures from Christmas. Usually I would be excited to see pictures because I usually love Christmas and seeing pictures from it just make me happy. Not this year! I knew exactly what pictures it would be and I really hesitated to open the card and look at the pictures, I thought to myself just wait for Seth to get home and you can open it together. But NO I HAD to open the card by myself, big mistake! The first picture in the stack was a picture of Seth, Aiden and me with my big old belly, taken the night before my world changed forever. I just stared at the picture and I remembered how happy I was that night. Anticipating Christmas and all the excitement that goes along with that and all the good food we were planning on having and seeing my family, many of them hadn't seen me with my pregnant belly yet so I knew they would be excited to see it. I just looked at the girl in the picture and I wished so bad I was that girl again, but I am not and never will be again. My life has forever changed, FOREVER. I was also really sad that this was the last real picture of the 4 of us, with Amelia alive. and just typing that makes me cry because it is so sad to me. How do you go from being so happy and loving life to being completely devastated......how? It's amazing the difference 12 hours makes, from the time this picture was taken, 12 hours later I was scared to death because I knew something was wrong. I know the person that sent the pictures to us never meant to make me upset and at first I was really angry they sent them, why would they send these pictures, its only been 6 1/2 weeks?! Then I became thankful that they sent them because I at least have one last happy moment captured in a picture of the 4 of us. I just wish so badly that I was going to have many many more happy moments captured in pictures of the 4 of us, but unfortunately that will never happen. I now know the meaning of the phrase "A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words" because this picture is for me.





Wednesday December 21, 2011
The Hoff Family



The other picture I have that I can't even begin to put into words how much I cherish it, is a picture that Seth took with my phone shortly before we left the hospital and left our baby girl behind. I am so happy that he decided to take this picture and I look at it everyday. It's in a frame next to my bed and the wallpaper on my phone, so I can look at it whenever I feel sad. It's a picture of me holding Amelia for the last time in the hospital. While Seth carried our things out to the car, I layed on my hospital bed with her and snuggled one last time, I told her things I have never told anyone, not even Seth, its just between us and it will be forever. I wish everyday that I could go back and have that moment back, but I know I can't so I will cherish it always, just me and my baby girl.



Mommy and Amelia snuggling one last time.                                                                                        



A Story

 This is a story that I did not write, but I feel like I could have. So many parts of this story are things that are happening or have happened to me and will probably continue to happen. It is sometimes hard for some people to understand why I don't want to go out or talk on the phone, a lot of the things in this story are example of why. I have a hard time going places because every where I turn around there are pregnant women and babies and baby clothes and pink. I love the color but everytime I see it, it hurts because its a color I may never get to buy. I was so looking forward to adding some pink to all the boy stuff in the house, and now I don't get to. It is just hard and this story is exactly how I feel everyday. I

written by Franchesca from Small Bird Studios.

When You Lose a Baby
You don’t know what to expect.
People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.
You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.
You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.
It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.
You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.
You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.
The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Forever.
You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.
You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.
You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.
You swear you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.
You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.
Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.
You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.
You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.
You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.
Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.
People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.
You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.
There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.
You lose friends. You find new ones.
You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.
You would do anything for another minute with your child.
You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.
You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.
You want to know what went wrong, and why…
You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.
You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.
You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.
You learn to live with the pain.
You are better for having known them at all.

 

6 Week Postpartum

Well today marked my 6 week postpartum appointment with Dr. Billings. It is hard to believe that 6 weeks have passed already, but then again it feels like forever since I last got to hold Amelia. I was nervous yesterday anticipating the appointment, I wasn't sure how the appointment was going to go. I was hoping for a more definite answer to why I developed an incompetant cervix, and if I could have done anything to prevent it. So Seth and I got up this morning and went to the appointment, on the way there I started to think about the waiting room. Everytime I have ever been to an OB doctor the waiting room is always filled with pregnant women and/or women witht there new babies. I was neither woman. I was empty inside and my arms were empty. This sucked and was totally not fair. Luckily when we got to the waiting room there was no one in it and Seth and I just sat there alone filling out new patient forms. This was the first time I have had to mark on a form how many children I have, and how many living. I had to stop and think for a second and put 2 for the number of children, this number has changed, but only 1 for how many living, unfortunately this number hasn't changed. We finally got called into an exam room and of course had to stop at the scale and get weighed, which I swear is never correct. We got into the room and the nurse asked me a question that I hadn't even thought about being asked on our drive to the appointment. I sat down and she sat down and looked at me and in the most chipper voice said "So where's the baby at this morning?" I think I stopped breathing for a minute and then I looked at her and thought to myself, "Is she fucking kidding me!" (excuse the language but seriously) I honestly thought she was joking and then I thought who would joke about something like this. Then I thought this poor girl so did not read my chart before she came and got me. This all happened in a 10 second time span and I finally came up with the words to respond to her and said "my baby is not alive" I don't think I have actually said those words out loud in that context before. She looked dumbfounded and said she was sorry, and then I started crying. I was crying because I knew she didn't know and I felt bad because I am sure they don't get very many women in that have lost their baby. She felt bad and I didn't even expect to be asked that question, I hadn't prepared myself. So after that the appointment was pretty routine, I was asked the question I am asked frequently, "do you ever think about hurting yourself?" I just looked at the nurse and said "not recently". She looked at me like I was crazy, and I reassured her I was fine. She asked me the question and I answered it honestly, what did she expect me to say?! I can't imagine very many mothers haven't at least thought about hurting themselves after the loss of a child. At moments it feels like the easy way out, because you hurt so bad. I know I would never do anything to hurt myself but I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind a few times. Dr. Billings came in after all that and checked me out and answered our questions the best he could. He is willing to work with us and the Dr. Haney in Chicago to help us when I become pregnant again someday and was very understanding about our decision. He was unfortunately unable to answer our why questions. He didn't have any answers, which we didn't think he would, but were hoping. Everything he told us, we already knew. We left feeling about the same as we did walking in, Seth was still pissed at the nurse but eventually got over it. He is pretty protective of me these days, I love him for that! So that is about it for the highlights of my postpartum appointment. Now I just wait until May 30th to roll around so I can take the next step in getting closer to becoming pregnant again. It is weird to think that it is possible that this time next year I could be pregnant and I could be a mommy to 3, a number that I never thought would happen. I am excited about that!

Mixed Feelings

Well it has been a few days since I have written and I have all sorts of things going on in my head that I need to get out....again! Seth made it home safe and sound, thank God! He got home on Sunday afternoon with his brand new Ford Raptor pickup. It is black and huge and I think I may adopt it as MY new ride, it just needs my girly touch and it will be perfect. I was so relieved when Seth got home and I have to say for some reason I felt kinda mad when he got home. Actually I think I know why I was kinda mad, I thought he was going to be home earlier than he was and I was just anxious and just needed him home. So when he walked in the door I didn't go running to greet him, instead I started crying. It just felt so good to have him home safe and I know it sounds crazy but with the last month that we have had I was just waiting for another bad thing to happen. So once I was over my being a little mad at him, I checked out the new pickup and we took it for a ride. The other big thing that has happened it that I was able to schedule my transabdominal cerclage today! I am so excited to get this surgery, but it has also brought a lot of emotions with it. I know I have said it before and I know I will probably say it a hundred times more, but being excited about this surgery feels wrong to me. I feel like I am betraying Amelia by looking forward to having another baby. I know this is not true, but it just feels that way and I am hoping that with time I will get over this feeling and not feel guilty about her death. For now I am just trying to work through this guilt and keep moving forward and I feel that having this surgery will help me do this. We just have to wait for the dang insurance company to approve the surgery. I am not a very patient person and it can take up to 3 months for them to approve a surgery, which is soooo frustrating to me. Thankfully everyone we have had to talk to about getting referral letters sent and my medical records sent, have been so nice and accomodating. I just pray that they approve the surgery, because I feel that without this surgery I will not have anymore babies. I am just not willing to take a chance on the transvaginal cerclage not working and losing another baby. I am a little stressed about this insurance thing and I told Seth that if they don't approve the surgery then we won't do it because it will cost $25,000 to $30,000 to have it without insurance. Him being the amazing husband he is tells me that I will have the surgery regardless, and we will figure out how to pay for it even if we have to take a loan out. I love him so much and he just knows how to calm me down when I get all worked up. I also felt like I needed to apologize to him because all the medical expenses we have accumulated in the past month, I feel like its all my fault. Which he told me to stop and that this wasn't my fault, again my guilt getting the best of me. I really hope I am able learn to deal with this during my therapy sessions. On a completely different note I started reading the book "Heaven is For Real" on Monday, I received it as a gift from my frien Tass. It is Wednesday and I am almost done with it, needless to say, I love the book. It has made me cry a couple times, but overall it has made me feel so much better about heaven and Amelia being there. This book paints a picture of heaven that puts a smile on my face that my baby is there and will be waiting for me. We also bought the kids version of the book for Aiden and I read it to him tonight and he really liked it too. I asked him if the book made him feel better about heaven and baby Amelia being there, and he said "Yes"! He really liked the pictures and I think it really eased his anxiety about death and going to heaven, because now he knows its now scary and it is beautiful there. Being the fisherman he is, he also wanted to know if all the fish he has caught will also be there! I told him I wasn't sure, but I am sure they go to fish heaven, he thought that was pretty cool! Well this pretty much sums up the last fews days in the Hoff household, Seth has 3 more days off before he has to go back to work so I will enjoy finding things for him to do around the house! Please just keep your fingers crossed that the insurance company comes through and approves my surgery so that come May 30th I will be able to have the surgery that will allow me to carry any future babies full term and I will never have to go throught the heartbreak of losing another 20 week baby. I have one angel baby watching over me and I love her to pieces, but I really don't want another one.