Been Awhile

Wow I can't believe its been over a month since I have posted on here! Time sure is flying, well kinda! I'm 34 weeks 3 days pregnant and I have 34 days to go until baby arrives! I am so excited and so beyond ready to meet him. These last couple weeks have been kinda rough, I've been having some dizzy spells that cause me to become faint and my heart starts racing and my pulse increases. The doctors claim its due to the extra blood pumping through my body, but it is crazy scary. So I have been just taking it easy and trying to relax. We had a super exciting delivery a couple weeks ago, we received our Amelia Bear in the mail. She is perfect and such a special gift for our family. I ordered her from Molly Bears, which is such an amazing organization that I look forward to supporting. Our Amelia Bear weighs 11 oz. just like Amelia, and is pink, wearing a tutu and a crown! She is our little princess! I have to admit when the box came I was super nervous to open it, I knew what was inside and wasn't sure how I was going to react. I didn't know what she would look like or how it would feel to hold my 11 oz. bundle again. Once I finally got up the courage to open it, I was so happy to see that she looked exactly how I envisioned her to look, and then I picked her up. I instantly started crying, it felt so good to hold her. Some people might think it sounds weird that a bear can make me feel better or remind me of Amelia, but it truly does. I held the bear in my arms just like I held Amelia in the hospital and just closed my eyes and pretended for a minute that it was her, my sweet baby girl was in my arms again. After not holding her for 14 months, it felt so good to have her in my arms again. I realize that this is a bear and not my actual baby, but it is the closest thing I will ever have and I will take anything I can get. As excited as I am to hold my rainbow baby, he will never replace the ache I have for Amelia. I will forever miss holding her, but I know that a little piece of her will be inside my little guy and for that I am so thankful. It was also super emotional to show Aiden the bear. He never got to meet or hold Amelia, so seeing him hold that bear was another really emotional moment. I had to fight back the tears while he held her and asked about Amelia, and said how much he wishes she was still here with us. When he says stuff like this it gets me every time. I wish so badly that he didn't have to say things like that, that he wasn't so comfortable with the fact that his baby sister is in heaven. Although it makes me so happy that he still talks about her, and asks questions about her. So know I can't wait to have pictures taken of my 3 babies, after baby is born. It makes me so happy that I will have pictures with the 3 of them, I don't have to worry about leaving out Amelia and having the guilt that goes along with taking pictures without her. So this is what's been happening in the Hoff household. I hope that the next time I post I will be posting pictures of our new little baby boy and fingers crossed he will have a name! Daddy is having a hard time commiting to a name, so hopefully he will commit to one soon!

Time

Time it's a funny thing, sometimes it goes so fast you wish it would just slow down and then sometimes it seems like it goes so slow you would give anything to speed it up. Another month has passed so now it has been 13 months since we said goodbye to our baby girl. I didn't feel sad on the 24th for me it was really just another day, I don't miss Amelia more on the 24th then I do on anyother day of the week. I wonder if a day will come when I stop keeping track of how many months have passed, when I would have to stop and figure it out. I imagine that day will come at some point and yet that scares me too. I am scared that my life will get busy and I will get consumed with other parts of my life that I will forget about how many months or years have passed. Right now I don't have a whole lot to focus on other then growing this rainbow baby. It leaves me a lot of time to get lost in thought and time to just think. I know in about 2 months that will all change and my mind will be much busier with diapers, feedings and just adjusting to having a baby in the house again. Will I start to forget about Amelia? Will I not think about her as much as I do now? Will I stop imagining what she would be like or what she would look like? Will I be so busy with her brothers that I just don't have the time to feel sad? I guess these are all things that I will not know until the day arrives, but these are questions that I think about and wonder about. Will I still be able to be a good mommy to her while trying to be a good mommy to my boys? Ugh, sometimes this whole journey can get so confusing, I wish there was an easy answer to my questions but I think it's a wait and see anwser. I imagine what life will be like once the baby is here and I imagine it will be wonderful and I know that Amelia would not want me to feel sad about her not being her, but to be happy that her brother is here. Her baby brother looks a lot like her, the 3D ultrasound we had done we could see the similarities in their facial features, which was really amazing. I know he will look like his big brother Aiden when he's born, they already have the same little nose and lips. I imagine Amelia would have looked just like Aiden to, had she been born full term. So that is what I have been thinking about these past few weeks, while I anxiously await baby's arrival. The month of January has gone so slowly I am looking forward to saying goodbye to it tomorrow and hello to February. April 8th can't come soon enough for me, I just want to be able to hold this baby in my arms and know that he's ok. I am so paranoid about something going wrong, I know he has his big sister watching out for him, but I am still so nervous. The one very exciting thing that did happen this month was I was able to order an Amelia Bear from the organization Molly Bears. The make teddy bears that weigh the same as your angel and then personalize them and you have something tangible to hold onto. The waiting list was 12-16 months and last Saturday I was able to make a $100 donation and bump my bear to the head of the line. I should receive her the end of February, and I am so excited. I also feel so fortunate that I heard about this organization and that I was able to afford to make the donation to get my bear sooner. The bears cost about $45 so I basically purchased my bear and sponsored a bear for another family. I can't wait to have her home so Aiden can hold her and even more exciting when we take newborn pictures I can have the bear there so all 3 of my babes can be in the picture together. Hopefully I will get a picture posted of our Amelia Bear when we get her, I am so excited to see it and hold my 11oz. bundle again!

Made it!

Well Christmas and New Years Eve have come and gone and we survived....yay!! I realize Christmas was 2 weeks ago and New Years a week ago, but I think I'm finally winding down from all of it! There is always so much hype and excitement leading up to Christmas and this year was no different, but instead of excitement it was more anxiety for me. I missed out on Christmas Eve last year with Aiden so I wanted to make this year special for him, but also incorporate Amelia's 1st birthday in heaven into the day, something I never dreamed I would ever have to do. I was up early on Christmas Eve, I had way too much on my mind to sleep in so I got up and started the day. I received so many facebook messages, text messages, and calls that day that I was completely overwhelmed by how many people were thinking of us and more importantly Amelia. I sat on the couch and just cried because I was so afraid that the day was going to just continue on normally for everyone else and nobody would remember that is was Amelia's birthday, and it was only 7am. Throughout the day I kept receiving more text and messages and I can't even put into words how much it meant to me. Christmas Eve is always such a busy day for everyone and the fact that so many took the time to think of us was amazing, I feel so blessed to have so many people in our lives that thought of us. We also received some cards and our friends Anne and Nathan brought over flowers for us, so sweet! So after my first crying fit I felt pretty good, by that time Seth was up and we started our day, officially! I made Amelia cupcakes, cherry chip with pink frosting and sprinkles. We let Aiden and Bronx open one present early, which made both of them very happy! Aiden got a movie and an ornament, and Bronx got new tennis balls and some cookies. We decided to go to church at 3:30, which I was nervous about since Amelia was born at 4pm and I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when that time rolled around, but then I decided that I will feel the same whether I'm at church or at home. When we got to church we saw pastor John and Nathan right away and both of them gave us hugs and told us they were happy we were there. I could feel the tears welling up, but I fought them back, I didn't want to cry. I was just nice to see them on her birthday, since they are the only other people other then the hospital staff that saw or held Amelia. They were both there during our worst moments and for some reason it was comforting to see them. Once church started I felt pretty good until I saw a super cute little baby girl all dressed up in a cute Christmas dress, once again tears welled up and I fought them back. I didn't want to cry. I just remember being so excited to buy a super cute Christmas dress for Amelia when I knew we were having a girl. So then the music started and once again tears welled up and I didn't want to cry, so at this point I asked Amelia to please give the strength to get through church without crying and feeling sad and she answered. I felt ok the rest of church, I felt like she was with me and telling me that it was ok to feel sad, but that she was there and I shouldn't feel sad. We got home from church and made dinner, steaks and shrimp, and then we opened presents. Aiden had all his presents opened in about 5 minutes and Seth surprised me with a new pandora charm bracelet. I didn't think I would be opening anything because he had put a car starter in my car a week before and he told me that was my present, he's so sweet! He said that he couldn't let me not have anything to open on Christmas. Once present opening was done Aiden wanted to go play his new playstation game so him and Seth headed downstairs to play and I tagged along and ended up falling asleep on the couch for a couple hours. Once I woke up the boys were ready to play one of Aiden's new board games he received, but before that I wanted to sing Amelia Happy Birthday and blow out the candles on her 9 cupcakes, one for each minute that she was with us. I lit all the candles and we sang to her and then Aiden blew out the candles, it was perfect and just the way I wanted it to be! We played the game and ate cupcakes and then it was about time to go to bed! I slept good that night, I felt like we did a good job of incorporating Amelia's birthday into Christmas and I know she was there with us. Christmas Day we spent in Bismarck with Seth's parents, and then a couple days after that we went to my parent's house and had Christmas with them. Nothing like having 3 Christmases! New Years Eve was pretty boring, Seth ended up having to drive someone back to Williston from Minot and didn't get home until late, not sure when I was sleeping by 9:30 I know party animal! I wasn't very happy with Seth, I thought he was going to be home earlier and I think I was just really hormonal so the next morning we hugged it out and I cried and all was well again! Gotta love hormones, thank goodness Seth is patient! New Years Day we drove and had lunch with Seth's best friend from high school and his wife and then we drove home, again pretty exciting I know! Once we got home it was time to get Aiden ready to go back to school the next day, the holiday season was officially coming to a close and we survived it! This Christmas was filled with lots of emotions, but I have to say that my favorite emotion was relief that it was over and we made it!

Birthday Girl

Amelia,
Today is your 1st Birthday, today is a celebration of you and your life. The day you were born was a sad day because Mommy and Daddy knew that you wouldn't be able to stay with us long, but it was also happy because we got to meet you and see just how beautiful you are. You were perfect, the prettiest baby girl I have ever seen and I wanted to keep you so bad, but God had much bigger plans for you. I don't know what that plan is, but I know it must have been very important. Mommy, Daddy and big brother Aiden all miss you so much and love you more then you will ever know. We still talk about you to anyone that will listen, I want everyone to know that I have a beautiful daughter. I will continue to do my best to keep your memory alive and make sure people never forget you. I hope you liked the birthday celebration that I decided to do. I wanted to do something special that would bring joy to others and especially children during Christmas. I thought one random act of kindness would be a perfect way to help others and also make you happy. Sometimes I wonder why God would take you on Christmas Eve, a day that is about family and spending time together. I now think that you were meant to do big things here on earth, with Mommies help. It is all I can do now and I will continue to do special things for your birthday that will also help others in your memory. I hope you have a wonderful birthday in heaven today, I can only imagine what a birthday in heaven must be like and I imagine it must be amazing. Mommy, Daddy, Aiden, your baby brother and Bronx the dog will do our best to celebrate you today, and we will say a special prayer for you. We will also sing you happy birthday, blow out the candle on your cupcakes, and of course eat a cupcake for you. We love you sweet Amelia, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven! I found this poem that I thought it was perfect because everytime I see a rainbow I always think of you and that you are somewhere looking down on me. On Christmas Day last year I remember looking out the window while the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful and pink like I had never seen before. I knew that was a way of you telling me that you were in heaven and that you were ok, so everytime the sky turns pink I think of you. I hope you like the poem as much as I do.

Vicki Brown - Look for me in rainbows

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.
In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.
It won't be forever, the day will come and then
My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.
Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.
Every waking moment, and all your whole life through
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.
Just wish me to be near you,
And I'll be there with you.

Happy 1st Birthday

The day has finally arrived, a day that I have been thinking about for months Dec. 24th, 2012, also known as Christmas Eve. A day for families to gather together and spend time with eachother and eat food and open presents and just have a great time. For me this day will never just be about food and presents, it is first and foremost Amelia's birthday. I woke up about a half hour ago and wasn't sure how I felt, was I sad, was I happy, or was I just ok. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling, of course I'm sad, but I'm sad everyday because I miss Amelia everyday not just today. I'm sad because we will celebrate her birthday without her here to help us blow out the candles on her cupcakes and she won't get to enjoy the balloons and flowers we bought for her, but I know she is getting to share her birthday with Jesus in heaven and I don't think I can top that kind of party here on earth. I just pray that she knows how badly I wish she was here with us and how much we love her and miss her. We plan to be a church today during her actual birth time, 4 pm, which I hope I find comforting and don't cry whole time. I am also looking forward to seeing the poinsetta that we purchased in her memory that will help decorate the front of the church. I think I'm still a little in shock that it has been a year already, it feels like an eternity since I have held Amelia in my arms and yet it doesn't seem like a year should have passed so quickly. I miss Amelia more and more everyday and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and wish she was here. Would she be walking by now, how many teeth would she have, would she love my sugar cookies as much as Aiden does, I have so many questions that while on this earth I will never know. I'm not sure if I can possibly miss her anymore then I do right now, but I am sure I can. As much as I want Amelia here with us I am comforted knowing that all that she knows is love and goodness, and I will never have to explain the scary things in life to her because she will never have to experience scary things. Maybe that sounds selfish of me, maybe not but it is how I feel. I worry constantly about Aiden and I don't worry about Amelia anymore because I know she is in a safe place, surrounded by people that love her. Don't get me wrong if things could be different I would choose for her to be here, but unfortunately that is not possible. I feel blessed that I have a special angel that watches over us, and is always with us no matter where we go. I feel blessed that I was able to spend the time with her that I did, because it was better then no time with her. So today while your with your family having a wonderful time, take the time to think about all the angels that are spending Christmas and their birthdays in heaven and the families that have to figure out how to go on without them.

Pink

So these past couple of days I have been finding out some people that I know are expecting girls. When I found out were we pregnant I didn't care one bit if it was a boy or girl, as long as we were able to bring a healthy baby home it didn't matter. Well from the beginning I felt we were having a boy so it was no surprise to me to find out it was a boy. I have been so happy and excited to have yet another boy in the house and seeing pink in the stores doesn't even bother me anymore, I am in full boy mode. That was until a couple days ago, I found out someone I know is expecting a girl. She is a wonderful person and has experienced 2 miscarriages in the past year and deserves this baby girl. It just made me sad, and as hard as it is to think and say but jealous. I don't want to be jealous of her, I'm happy for her and very excited. But I found myself thinking why I does she get a girl and I get a boy. I feel so guilty to feel this way, because I love this baby boy so much already and I want him, but I can't shake this feeling. Then today I found out another person I know is expecting a girl and again I feel the same jealousy. I am angry at myself for feeling like this, I feel like I am being ungrateful for the little blessing that is a true gift from God that is growing inside me and I don't feel ungrateful at all, but I sound ungrateful. It confuses me that I feel like this and maybe that is just part of this journey and this is normal to experience feelings like this when expecting a rainbow baby of the opposite sex of the one that is in heaven. I know I was given a boy for a reason and I will love him more then anything, I just pray that I get over these feelings. I don't want to feel jealous anymore, I dealt with that enough after Amelia went to heaven whenever I would see a baby girl and it was awful. I wanted to cry everytime I saw pink and I don't want to be in that place again. It is just hard to know that I have a daughter that no one can see and that on this earth I will never get to hold her again or show her off to everyone in her new pink outfits. I know material things are not important and that someday in heaven I will get to do all the important things with her, but until then I have to just be at peace with the way things are and miss her. I miss Amelia terribly, it is still a dull ache that I live with everyday, and in a flip of a switch the dull ache can turn into a throbbing pain. This week the pain has been much more prominent and I have spent a lot more time then usual thinking and being sad. I am just allowing myself this time and maybe that is why the news of people expecting girls is hard for me to handle, because its been almost a year since I have held mine in my arms and I want more then anything to be able to do that again. I know that in a little over 3 months when I hold my baby boy in my arms much of this pain will dull again, because when I hold him it will be  like holding a little piece of Amelia again and I am so excited for that. I know that God and Amelia are working together and they have great plans for our family and I trust that they know best.

I Remember

With Amelia's 1st birthday rapidly approaching, only 4 days, I have been thinking a lot about our 3 days in the hospital and the moment she came into this world. I keep reliving the days leading up to Dec. 22nd and wondering if there was something I did or didn't do. Oh how I wish I would have paid more attention to my body and less attention on preparing for Christmas. I still struggle somedays with the guilt and knowing that had I insisted on being seen sooner that there is a good chance Amelia would have survived. It's awful to think about, but it's true. I think about the tone in my doctors voice when he checked me and said "oh that's not good". How my heart stopped and then he started saying a bunch of words I didn't understand and how I was being sent to a doctor I had never met and he would do the surgery because he was leaving and good luck. I vaguely remember the drive to the hospital and going up to the labor and delivery floor. It was a swirl wind of nurses and people asking questions and then waiting, waiting for this doctor to finish delivering a baby next door so he could go and try and save mine. By the time the surgery started I was shaking so bad and I couldn't stop, I felt like I was having a seizure of something it was awful. I remember the nurse asking me questions and then us talking about her daughter and Aiden, they went to preschool together. I don't remember going to recovery, I just remember being in my room. I remember feeling like I really needed to blow my nose but I didn't want to because I was scared to. Seth went home for awhile and picked up Aiden and got a few things for me since I didn't pack a bag that morning. He brought me a Crispy Orange Chicken bowl from Applesbees for supper since I hadn't eaten anything since that morning. We were feeling good, things were going to be ok, I was going to have to take it easy but it was ok. I remember feeling the little pains starting and I kept thinking it wasn't anything, it couldn't be. They got worse and worse and so I woke Seth up and got the nurses in the room. By that time I was hurting and they hooked me up to the monitor to see if it was contractions, but only a short time later I felt the gush of water. I looked at Seth and said my water broke and the nurses went to check if it was amniotic fluid. I knew it was, I knew that was it. The physical pain was gone but the emotional pain just began. The nurses rushed me into the delivery room that I would be in for the next 2 days and called my now new doctor. He came and told me there was nothing left to do that our daughter would be born and she wouldn't survive, heartbroken. We waited to call our families until the sun was up and then Seth made the phone calls, I couldn't do it, it was hard enough to hear him say the words let alone say them myself. He also called our pastors who rushed to the hospital to be with us and to pray. I remember Seth telling Aiden that his new baby sister that he was so excited to meet would not be coming home with us, I think I cried most of the time. The rest of the day and night was spent watching TV and waiting, waiting for the inevitable. Christmas Eve day came and Amelia still had a heartbeat. I knew that she knew something was up just by the way so moved and the position she was in, up high where she never hung out before. I worried that she was hurting or scared, but mostly I worried that she wouldn't be born alive. I knew by the weekly baby updates that her eyelids were still fused shut so I wouldn't see what color her eyes were, I knew she wouldn't cry because her lungs weren't developed enough and I prayed that her hearing was developed so she could hear our voices if she was born alive. I think possibly one of the hardest things I had to do was allow my doctor to induce labor, I was forcing my baby out. I don't know if she would have come on her own, all I knew was that I had an infection and that she would die either in me or possibly in my arms. I wasn't given much of a choice, this was the way it had to be. So there we sat in the hospital on Christmas Eve, we should have been home getting ready for church and getting our Christmas meal ready. Here we sat in a hospital waiting for our baby girl to be born. I remember the contractions starting and getting more intense and finally asking for an epidural. The doctor came to give me an epidural and he was not nice, I remember him answering his phone while trying to do it and then sticking once and trying to get it in and then having to redo it. At least that is what Seth tells me, the contractions kinda overshadowed the epidural pain. Once I got the epidural I was more comfortable physically, emotionally I knew it was just a matter of minutes before this all would be over. I wanted that waiting to be over, but then again I didn't because I knew what the outcome was going to be, an empty belly and a daughter that didn't come home with us. I called my mom and after I got off the phone with her I moved and I could feel her head, I told Seth and he got my nurse who came and checked and said it was time and that my doctor would be her shortly. My doctor arrived and told me to push and I pushed a little and it was over, she was here. The nurse placed her on my chest, this tiny little perfect baby, and her little heart was still beating she was a fighter. Our pastor came in right away, my doctor just covered me up so he could come in and baptize Amelia. Once the baptism was over my doctor came back in to finish up. By this time Amelia's heart had stopped, she stopped trying to take a breath. That is something I will never forget is seeing her trying to breath, they say it's just a reflex, but it was hard to see. Feeling her tiny head so warm after being born and then slowly getting colder and colder and trying so hard to warm her up with no success. Then the nurses came in and started taking pictures and molds and prints. They gave her a bath which I know regret not asking if I could do, I never got a chance to give my own daughter her first bath and that makes me sad. Sometimes I worry that I didn't hold her enough and let the nurses mess with her too much when she should have been in my arms, but I can't change that. Then came the when to leave talk. By now it was getting late and we both knew we had Aiden at home waiting for us. We both wanted to be home for Aiden on Christmas morning, but part of me didn't want to leave Amelia at the hospital alone. I knew in my head that she was in heaven and that just her body was here, but my heart was split. My living son needed us, he needed his mom and dad. I cuddled Amelia while Seth carried out our stuff and then it was time. Time to hand over our baby to a nurse that would take her tiny 11oz body to the morgue, where she would sit until the next day when the funeral director came to get her. Walking out of the hospital was again one of the hardest things to do, I felt empty and alone. My baby that had been with me for 20 weeks and 6 days was gone. We got home and while Seth showered I sat in the closest and held the blanket that Amelia had been born on and sobbed. Seth found me and got me into bed and gave me a sleeping pill the hospital gave me. We woke the next morning to a very excited Aiden who opened his presents from Santa and was happy to have mom and dad home. The rest of the day was a blur, lots of crying and feeling alone. We talked to the funeral director and made arrangements to go see him the next morning. What a horrible feeling that was, plan a funeral for your child. Our families left that evening and then it was just the 3 of us again. I sat up and wrote Amelia's obituary which I wanted done by the next day.The next day Seth and I went to the funeral home and made funeral arrangements for Amelia. We chose the music, picked the programs, picked an urn, all the things you do for a funeral. It is wrong to have to do this for your child. I remember thinking that this was it, this is the one thing I will ever get to plan for my daughter. I don't get birthday parties, prom, a wedding, nothing that a mother of a daughter will get to do, I get a funeral. It still makes me sad when I hear of my friends that have daughters talk about all the girly stuff they are buying for their daughters, barbies and dolls, and I got a funeral. It seems so unfair that this is my one event I get to plan while everyone else will get years of planning fun things, I get a funeral. I'm not jealous or angry I'm just sad, because I was so looking forward to all the fun stuff, but I was able to give my daughter a nice funeral. I guess that is something. Before we left the funeral home we were able to see Amelia one last time before they took her to be cremated. It was hard to know that this was officially the last time we would see our baby, gut wrenching actually. She looked so peaceful and tiny in her sleeper we brought for her. She was a perfect little angel, our little angel who I know would watch over her family until we were all together again. The day of the funeral was finally here and honestly a lot of it is a blur, thankfully we have it all on video if I ever want to watch it, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to relive that. I think once we got home and everyone left I felt somewhat of a relief because it was over and now the journey to recovery would begin. I just had no idea at that time just how hard and yet rewarding the journey would be.