Time

Time it's a funny thing, sometimes it goes so fast you wish it would just slow down and then sometimes it seems like it goes so slow you would give anything to speed it up. Another month has passed so now it has been 13 months since we said goodbye to our baby girl. I didn't feel sad on the 24th for me it was really just another day, I don't miss Amelia more on the 24th then I do on anyother day of the week. I wonder if a day will come when I stop keeping track of how many months have passed, when I would have to stop and figure it out. I imagine that day will come at some point and yet that scares me too. I am scared that my life will get busy and I will get consumed with other parts of my life that I will forget about how many months or years have passed. Right now I don't have a whole lot to focus on other then growing this rainbow baby. It leaves me a lot of time to get lost in thought and time to just think. I know in about 2 months that will all change and my mind will be much busier with diapers, feedings and just adjusting to having a baby in the house again. Will I start to forget about Amelia? Will I not think about her as much as I do now? Will I stop imagining what she would be like or what she would look like? Will I be so busy with her brothers that I just don't have the time to feel sad? I guess these are all things that I will not know until the day arrives, but these are questions that I think about and wonder about. Will I still be able to be a good mommy to her while trying to be a good mommy to my boys? Ugh, sometimes this whole journey can get so confusing, I wish there was an easy answer to my questions but I think it's a wait and see anwser. I imagine what life will be like once the baby is here and I imagine it will be wonderful and I know that Amelia would not want me to feel sad about her not being her, but to be happy that her brother is here. Her baby brother looks a lot like her, the 3D ultrasound we had done we could see the similarities in their facial features, which was really amazing. I know he will look like his big brother Aiden when he's born, they already have the same little nose and lips. I imagine Amelia would have looked just like Aiden to, had she been born full term. So that is what I have been thinking about these past few weeks, while I anxiously await baby's arrival. The month of January has gone so slowly I am looking forward to saying goodbye to it tomorrow and hello to February. April 8th can't come soon enough for me, I just want to be able to hold this baby in my arms and know that he's ok. I am so paranoid about something going wrong, I know he has his big sister watching out for him, but I am still so nervous. The one very exciting thing that did happen this month was I was able to order an Amelia Bear from the organization Molly Bears. The make teddy bears that weigh the same as your angel and then personalize them and you have something tangible to hold onto. The waiting list was 12-16 months and last Saturday I was able to make a $100 donation and bump my bear to the head of the line. I should receive her the end of February, and I am so excited. I also feel so fortunate that I heard about this organization and that I was able to afford to make the donation to get my bear sooner. The bears cost about $45 so I basically purchased my bear and sponsored a bear for another family. I can't wait to have her home so Aiden can hold her and even more exciting when we take newborn pictures I can have the bear there so all 3 of my babes can be in the picture together. Hopefully I will get a picture posted of our Amelia Bear when we get her, I am so excited to see it and hold my 11oz. bundle again!