Easter

It has been almost a week since we celebrated Easter. The first real holiday since Amelia went to heaven, and I have to say it was a really good weekend. My parents came on Friday and we went out for dinner that night and then Saturday my mom and Aiden and I went shopping for awhile. It was fun to go spend time with my mom just the two of us and of course Aiden, I don't think we have done that since Amelia passed away. I have to say going to the mall is not my favorite thing to do especially on a Saturday before  a holiday, but I tolerated it! I got sad a few times looking around at all the pregnant women or all the strollers being pushed around the mall. Yet again just another reminder of what I should have, a HUGE belly and counting down the days until Amelia would join us. I just had to keep reminding myself that I have Aiden, he is my happiness. That night Seth and I got to play Easter Bunny and I love to hide the basket and all the eggs! Aiden as usual got completely spoiled, but after the fact both Seth and I agreed that he deserved it. He has been so good the last 4 months and his Christmas just wasn't what we wanted or planned so we really wanted Easter to be extra special for him. Aiden was up bright and early Easter morning and found all his eggs and his basket within about 5 minutes, he has a gift at searching out his presents! Seth had to go to work after that and I got ready to take Aiden to church with my mom. I had mixed feelings about church right away, because as soon as we sat down we were surrounded by little girls with their Easter dresses on and again pregnant women everywhere. I talked myself out of crying and just focused on getting through church without crying. Then I saw Amelia's name in the bulletin because we bought an Easter Lily in memory of her and again, I had to talk myself out of crying. Then we stood to sing a song and there was a line in the song about angels and having lots of important things to do, and that kinda did it for me. I just couldn't stop thinking about Amelia as this tiny little angel and all the important things she is doing in heaven. I wish so much she was here with us, but I know that she is an extra special angel in heaven doing very important things for Jesus. They have the same birthday so I know she is very special to him. Then our pastor started his sermon and I feel like he read my mind. It was about just when you think that all hope is lost remember that the king has one more move. This was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, because I was feeling pretty sad and he made me realize that this isn't the end our story or Amelia's that the king does have one more move for me and my family. I also know that Amelia has more to do for our family, she may not be here but I know that she has big plans for us and we just have to wait and see what she has planned. The rest of Easter went well, other then me getting a speeding ticket on the way home, my first ever! Oh well! It wasn't until Sunday night that I got really sad and started wondering about Amelia and if in heaven they get an Easter basket or dye Easter eggs or anyother fun Easter things. I cried for awhile thinking about all the things I had looked forward to, buying a cute Easter dress for her and the cute shoes to match next year, and how much fun she would be next Easter. I had to keep reminding myself of the sermon that I heard earlier in the day and know that I can't lose hope, because I know Amelia hasn't lost hope for us. I recently found a quote on pinterest that as soon as I read it I was like yes this is so my life right now and how I feel most days. Of course I have my days when I feel lost and sad and empty and hopeless, but it just seemed to fit perfectly.
I am not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be. I am okay and I am on my way.-Joyce Meyer

3 months

Amelia's table

Wow is all I have to say. I cannot believe that is has already been 3 months, and yet it feels like 3 years since I last held Amelia, such a bizzare feeling. I have been doing ok it seems like I have more good days then bad, although these past few days have been pretty rough. I think it is because I am getting closer and closer to the time when Amelia should have been born. On Monday it would have been 4 weeks until we went in for my scheduled c-section, so that was a really hard day. My due date really doesn't make me sad, because I knew I wasn't going to go to my due date, my doctor and I had picked April 26th as the big day at my last appointment so to me that is my due date. This has just made me really sit and think of all the things that I "should" be doing right now and all the things I am doing instead. Sometimes I really wish I could just turn my brain off and not think at all. I also keep getting coupons in the mail for formula and diapers, so everyday I go to get the mail it is just another remind of the things that I am not going to have to buy. Last week Tuesday I left the house to go pick up Aiden from school and sitting on my doorstep sat a box of formula that I received from Similac. It was a sample can for me to try out, this pretty much put me into a downward spiral for the rest of the day. When we got home Aiden went and got it for me and when I told him to throw it in the garbage he didn't understand why. I explained to him what it was and that we didn't need it and it made mommy sad so we should just throw it away. He was so sweet and gave me a hug and told me he wished baby Amelia was still alive, I do too buddy! I am just waiting for these next few months because I am sure I will really start to get baby things in the mail, since I signed up online for all sorts of free coupons, probably won't do that again with the next one. Also, there are soo many babies being born right now I can hardly stand getting on facebook. I mean I am very happy for these other people, that they get to keep their babies, but it is so incredibly hard to see these babies and all the smiling faces. I want to be one of those happy new mommies, instead I am a new bereaved mommy. I have been trying to keep myself busy, I have been rearranging furniture and moving decorations around in the house. I think this drives Seth nuts but it seems to help me keep my mind busy. We have also received a very thoughtful gift from my aunt Cindy who was recently in Hawaii with my other aunt Susie and they decided to write the names of their grandchildren in the sand. They also wrote the names of my children in the sand for me. I was very touched by this, that they wrote Amelia's name too. That is one of my biggest fears, that with time she will be forgotten by people. I will obviously never forget and I don't want anyone else to because no matter how many more babies I have I will always have one that people can't see, but she counts. I know I am not alone in feeling this way, there are sadly so many families that have more children then what you can see. I really try to remind myself of this when I see a family of 4 or 5 or more and I think to myself, "why do they get that many children and I can't even have one more. I remind myself that this family has maybe lost a baby and these are their rainbow babies, everyone has a story so I really try not to judge. So here is to another month that has past and the journey that I continue to be on. Again, Amelia may not have been with us very long but she continues to influence me every single day of my life. I am so very proud to be her mommy!

Aiden and Amelia's names in the sand!

Sleeping with my babies, and the canvas prints I made.

March of Dimes

Sending the balloons of love to Amelia

On March 17th I had the honor to walk with my family and friends in memory of Amelia. It was a great day of remembering her and the impact that she made on me and so many other people. In the past I have been asked to donate to the March of Dimes and have always said no or made some excuse why I couldn't. It is amazing how once something touches your life you become so much more passionate about it! I was able to round up about 25 people to come and do the walk and they were all great and it meant so much to me that they all came out to honor Amelia. I had t-shirts made for people that wanted one and they turned out so cute! I used Amelia's footprints and turned them into a butterfly, an idea I stole from a different blog, I just loved the idea so much! I was also interviewed by the local news station and asked to share my story and it was great to share it with the public. I just wanted to bring awareness of March of Dimes and the incredible work they do, but also that there are many babies that don't get to come home. After the walk they gave out awards and Team Amelia Harper won the family team award for the most money raised! I don't remember the exact amount we raised but it was over our goal amount of $1500.00 I was so proud of our team. After that we went outside and sent our "balloons of love" to heaven for Amelia to read. I had everyone that wanted, write a message to Amelia on a pink balloon. I bought 9 balloons 1 for every minute that she was with us and then we sent them up to her. Aiden was very concerned because he was worried that she is too little to read so she wouldn't know what everyone wrote. I reassured him that Jesus and all the family members that are in heaven with her would read the balloons to her so she knew what everyone wrote. This seemed to make him feel better! I was able to keep it together all day and for me it was a great day, I felt sad but I also felt happy. I definitely want to make this an annual thing, and it's a way for me to be able to keep Amelia's memory alive. I hope I was able to make Amelia proud of her mommy, because I am so proud of her!

My mom, my aunt and I

Mommy and Big Brother Aiden

Making my big TV debut

Team Amelia Harper

Winning the family award

Questions?

Ok so I am purely writing this to get it off my chest so I don't blow up because honestly I feel so much anger bubbling over and it's making me CRAZY!!! I recently over heard someone asking my son a question that made me instantly cry. I spend quite a bit of time by myself, which I actually really enjoy, I like being home because I feel safe here. I don't have to explain anything to anyone and even though I realize the world keeps going even when you are grieving sometimes I feel like it should stop and when I go out I just want to scream at people and tell them what I am going through so they know. It is not like I where a badge saying "Grieving Mommy" so nobody knows what is going on when I am out. I just want people to know how I am feeling, so maybe they won't take for granted a second with their children. It is especially hard when I see another mom yelling at her child because they are crying or misbehaving. With this being said, before I go out I always go through scenarios in my head and what I will say if someone asks me how many children I have, or asks me how I am doing. This question is not something I have heard or even thought someone would even ask. To some people this question is not a big deal, it's a logical question to ask a 7 year old in a conversation. As many of you know Aiden moved to the basement to his new big boy bedroom, leaving behind a very empty bedroom upstairs. This is the room that Amelia would have been in, so for me it was/is her room even though I never got a chance to decorate it for her, it's still her room. So when I heard this question "So what is going on in your old bedroom?" it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I instantly started crying and I felt myself getting sucked into a hole. I never thought anyone would ask a question like this, because what kind of answer are they looking for? I mean seriously were they expecting us to turn the bedroom into a home gym or an office or a hot tub room or something stupid like that? It has been 11 weeks and all, I guess I should be over it by now! I know this person didn't mean to upset me or to be insensitive, they probably didn't even know I could hear them, but I did. I also realize that to so many people this bedroom is Aiden's old room, but to me the second I found out I was pregnant it was the future room of the baby. And during the short 1 1/2 weeks that I knew we were expecting a girl and I knew her name would be Amelia, I began planning everything. So everytime I go into that room I can see the paint color on the wall, where the crib, dresser, changing table, and chair would have been. To me it was her room already even though she wasn't here yet. I actually just recently deleted some art pieces out of my shopping bag on one website because I was tired of getting reminders to go buy them, because I don't need them anymore. I also deleted a bunch of sites off of my favorites list on my computer because it was just too hard seeing them all the time. This question has really affected me, I spent 45 minutes talking about it with my counseler I feel like I have taken about 50 steps back. This question is right up there with some of the other questions that I have been asked, such as, "Was the labor hard?", "How are you doing physically?", and to me the worst one to me "Was there something wrong with her?" I mean honestly who asks that? My daughter was perfect in every way possible, there was nothing wrong with her, and even if there was it would not have made a difference she is my baby and I love her no matter what. Most of these questions were asked within the first 2 weeks after Amelia passed away and I know they were asked out of concern and just not knowing what else to say, kinda like someone saying "I know how you feel" UMMM no you don't!! I feel like I was doing really good in my grieving process, I was having more good days then bad, I mean I still cry every night before I go to sleep but during the day I am usually ok. I can talk about each one of these questions and I am ok, I don't cry over them anymore, but asking about her bedroom that is one thing I am still struggling with, it is just a hard one that is going to take a long time before I am at peace with it. I just pray that someday when the time comes to turn the room into a nursery I am able let go of the idea of it being Amelia's room. I really hope I am able to do this, but until then the door will remain closed.

Checking in

I haven't blogged for a while and decided that I should probably write a little and get my thoughts out before they drive me mad! Not a whole lot has changed in the last 2 weeks, just trying to get through each day without crying too much. This past weekend Seth and I went out together for the first time in a very long time. It was fun to do something together and feel  a little "normal" for a bit. We went out because a friend of mine was turning 30 and her husband had a surprise party for her. I was excited to go out and see some people I hadn't seen in a long time, but then the anxiety kicked in. I hadn't seen a lot of these people since Amelia died, some of them didn't even know I was pregnant. I told Seth and of course he did what he always does, calmed me down! We arrived at the party and I stayed pretty close to Seth and avoided the people that I knew, and then finally one of them came up to me and asked me how I was and said she was sorry for our loss and sat down with us. It was such a relief to have that over with and I didn't cry. Then they started passing out the wine and people just kinda did their thing and we didn't have to talk about anything related to Amelia for the night. I know that may sound super insensitive, but I just didn't want to have to explain my story over and over to people I don't know very well who are drunk and won't even remember what I told them in the morning. I had fun but honestly the entire time I was out I thought about Amelia and missed her and wished I wasn't out, I wished I was home with a big huge pregnant belly. Story of my life right now, constantly wishing I was still pregnant. Saturday was a good day, Aiden had hockey in the morning and then we took him to a Minotarauros game that night and he loved it! Sunday he had hockey again in the evening and that is when I got sad. I was sitting there watching Aiden play hockey and I looked over and there was a lady walking in with a big pregnant belly. Tears started flowing and I just couldn't stop, the rest of the night I just couldn't pull myself out of this funk. A friend asked me that night through a text how I have be doing? Such a loaded question, and I started thinking which is never a good thing. In that moment I was doing terrible, I started to think about Monday I should be starting my 30th week of pregnancy. I should have the nursery done and buying last minute items for Amelia and washing her clothes and making meals to freeze so after she came we didn't have to eat out every meal. But instead I am trying to lose 30lbs to be back to a healthy weight before my TAC surgery and I am empty. I smile and laugh but I feel like they are hallow, the real joy has not returned to me yet, I hope it is soon. I don't know if any of that made sense but sometimes my thoughts just don't, again story of my life right now! So this week I have been trying to focus on honoring Amelia and not mourning her. I have gotten a team together to walk in the March of Dimes walk next Saturday and made t shirts for the people that wanted them. I am super excited about the tshirts, I think they are going to look really good, I am using Amelia's footprints on the shirt. I have to admit I didn't come up with this idea on my own, I got it from another mom who's daughter passed away and she did something similar to what I am doing. I will post pictures after the walk! I have also been accepted as a Parent Coordinator for the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep non profit organization. The coordinate photographers to volunteer their services for families that have lost a baby. The photographer is contacted by the hospital when a famliy is going to lose or has lost a baby and then they come in and take professional pictures for the family. My job will be to promote the organization and get hospitals and photographers to participate. I am really excited to be able to help families going through a loss, although I truely hope I am not busy with this because that would mean babies are dying and I don't want that. I feel like this is just another way that Amelia has changed me for the better and taught me so much in her short life. Everything I do I do it with her in mind and with the intent to make her proud of her mommy. I really hope I am being successful at this!

Recovery

I started reading a book the other night and the author who lost an adult son, wrote about the word recovery. She said that the word recovery means to return to normal, like after you have had the flu or a drug problem. She said that the word recovery is ridiculous when referring to a parent's grieving process. We never recover because we never go back to normal, that person we were before our child died is gone forever. I thought this was such an interesting thing because it is so true, I will never be the same person, I am forever changed. Instead she says we integrate the death into our lives, we learn to live with the death and not forget and not dwell on it. She compared it to a butterfly, the whole catepillar, caccoon, butterfly process. This journey I am one has transformed me into a different person from the one I was 2 months ago and I am trying to integrate Amelia's death into my life and the life of everyone else. I don't want anyone to forget her, but I don't want to dwell on her death either. I need to live my life and try and be as happy as I can be, because I do have a good life! I just thought I would share that because I found it interesting, a different perspective on this crazy journey I am on. I now have to obsessions angels and butterflies. Everytime I see anything with an angel I feel the need to buy it, and I am really wanting a ring I found online that has a butterfly on it. I just need to get Seth on board, its only $292, I think it will go on the don't really need it now list! I kinda feel like everytime I look at it I will be reminded of the journey I am on, the progress I have made and that if it wasn't for Amelia's and her coming into our lives I wouldn't have this newfound appreciation for all the good in my life and never take things for granted, like getting pregnant, staying pregnant, having a healthy baby. I will appreciate everything so much more because of her, I wish I could have figured that out without having to lose her, but I think that is the message I am taking away from all of this. In Amelia's short life she has forever changed mine.

2 Months

As I sit here on my couch thinking about the past two months I just can't believe it has been two months. Part of me feels like the time has gone by fast and part of me feels like it has just been dragging on and on. This week has been a really up and down week for me, and I think it was just me anticipating today. Monday started pretty good, I started a new diet so I was excited to start my journey of losing 30lbs before my surgery in May. I was refreshed and still a little tired from my girls weekend, and overall a descent day, plus Aiden was home with me! Tuesday was a different story, I just struggled the whole day with being sad about Amelia. I kept thinking about all the milestones she will never get to, and all the moments that I will never get to see with her. I am not sure who I am more sad for, her or me. I know she is happy and reaching all those milestones in heaven, so it must just be me being sad for me. Wednesday was my worst day, I knew I had to go pick up Amelia's death certificate at the funeral home and that they also had the DVD of her funeral ready. I got ready and forced myself to go get it over with. I walked in and told the lady that I was there to pick up my daughters death certificate and funeral DVD, not a sentence anyone should ever have to say, it sucked. I walked out, got in my car and looked at the certificate, lets just say it felt like someone reached in and was squeezing my heart and wouldn't let go. For a minute I thought I was having a heart attack, my chest just hurt, my heart hurt. After that I had to go do the other thing that I have been dreading, going to the social security office to try and get Amelia a social security number. I went in and explained to the lady what I needed, trying to fight back my tears and then she had to go talk with her manager. I sat down and just cried, here I sit with Amelia's birth certificate with the word "DECEASED" in red stamped on it in one hand and her death certificate in with all the details in the other hand. This sucked so bad. Then the nosey security guard decided to try and strike up a conversation with me about what he thought they were doing. I just nodded and didn't say much because I knew I would really start crying. Never thought I would ever be sitting in the social security office crying. Finally the lady came back and told me that because my daughter was deceased she wasn't going to ever need a number and that it was pointless to give her one. SERIOUSLY?! As if I need to be reminded of this fact, I realized my daughter is dead, she will never go to school, have a job, drive a car, get married, have a baby, she will never do any of the things that require a social security number, I realize that. What will it hurt for her to have a number, one last thing to make her like other living babies. I know we will never use it, but what will it hurt for her to have one. Typically I would have said all of that and questioned her, but by this point I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and I just started sobbing right there in front of the lady, the security guard, and some other lady that was there. I went and got in my car and just sobbed, this sucked. I finally managed to drive home and decided that I should get the mail since I hadn't gotten it for a couple days and low and behold, a bill from Trinity. This day was just getting better and better. Opened and it up and we now owe them $4,000.00 for my hospital stays, which were we not expecting it to be that much, then I opened up our EOB from insurance to find we are going to owe St. A's $1,000 for my D&C. This on top of all the other bills we have already paid, I had some serious guilt going on. So I laid on the couch bawling because this day sucked and I felt like crap, so then Aiden's school calls to tell me he ran into a pole at recess and has a bump on his head. They said he's doing fine, but just to be aware in case he gets sick or drowsy at home later. This day was getting more ridiculous the longer it went. I finally went to pick up Aiden and he was fine and the bump wasn't bad so that made me feel better, but I was still just having a hard time with everything else. Seth got home and knew about everything and asked if I just wanted to go out for supper tonight, but then I told him no because he hadn't heard about our medical bills that came in the mail that day. I showed him and apoligized because I feel like this is all my fault. He of course tells me its not my fault that it will be fine and says all the right things to make me feel better. It is just so overwhelming, we have never had medical expenses like this and we are so lucky we have insurance because I can't imagine what we would do if we didn't. The rest of the night went ok, probably because Seth and Aiden we home and took my mind off of everything else going on. Yesterday was an ok day, my hair stylist called me to tell me she had her baby girl that morning, and tell me she had to cancel my hair appointment that was scheduled for Monday. I am super excited for her, she had to really work for this baby and she just sounded so happy. I am glad it happened Thursday and not Wednesday, I don't think I could have handled that on top of everything else. Last night, this is probably to much info but I really don't care, I got my period and it just sent me into a downward spiral. For some reason I just got sad, my body is getting back to normal almost 2 months exactly to the day that I had Amelia. My body is over the post pregnancy thing and it shouldn't be, I should be almost 29 weeks pregnant right now and I am not, I have my period. My body is normal and nothing else about me is, everything else has changed so much. I guess I should try and be happy that at least one part of me is back to normal again. So here I sit on my couch on Friday 2 months later, today I feel ok, maybe it's because I have cried so much already this week that I just can't anymore, who knows. I still miss Amelia every second of every day, and wish I could hold her tiny little body one more time, and kiss her cold little head one more time, and wrap her little feet up in a blanket to try and warm them up because they are so cold one more time, but I can't. I still struggle with that, I don't get to do any of those things again, and I hope that with time I will just be thankful for the time I had and not wish for more, but I don't think that day will ever come, I will always wish for another chance. So happy 2 month birthday Amelia Harper, I wish you were here celebrating this milestone with me instead of in heaven, but I am sure you are getting a great celebration there. I love you to the moon and back a million times! Love Mommy