3 months

Amelia's table

Wow is all I have to say. I cannot believe that is has already been 3 months, and yet it feels like 3 years since I last held Amelia, such a bizzare feeling. I have been doing ok it seems like I have more good days then bad, although these past few days have been pretty rough. I think it is because I am getting closer and closer to the time when Amelia should have been born. On Monday it would have been 4 weeks until we went in for my scheduled c-section, so that was a really hard day. My due date really doesn't make me sad, because I knew I wasn't going to go to my due date, my doctor and I had picked April 26th as the big day at my last appointment so to me that is my due date. This has just made me really sit and think of all the things that I "should" be doing right now and all the things I am doing instead. Sometimes I really wish I could just turn my brain off and not think at all. I also keep getting coupons in the mail for formula and diapers, so everyday I go to get the mail it is just another remind of the things that I am not going to have to buy. Last week Tuesday I left the house to go pick up Aiden from school and sitting on my doorstep sat a box of formula that I received from Similac. It was a sample can for me to try out, this pretty much put me into a downward spiral for the rest of the day. When we got home Aiden went and got it for me and when I told him to throw it in the garbage he didn't understand why. I explained to him what it was and that we didn't need it and it made mommy sad so we should just throw it away. He was so sweet and gave me a hug and told me he wished baby Amelia was still alive, I do too buddy! I am just waiting for these next few months because I am sure I will really start to get baby things in the mail, since I signed up online for all sorts of free coupons, probably won't do that again with the next one. Also, there are soo many babies being born right now I can hardly stand getting on facebook. I mean I am very happy for these other people, that they get to keep their babies, but it is so incredibly hard to see these babies and all the smiling faces. I want to be one of those happy new mommies, instead I am a new bereaved mommy. I have been trying to keep myself busy, I have been rearranging furniture and moving decorations around in the house. I think this drives Seth nuts but it seems to help me keep my mind busy. We have also received a very thoughtful gift from my aunt Cindy who was recently in Hawaii with my other aunt Susie and they decided to write the names of their grandchildren in the sand. They also wrote the names of my children in the sand for me. I was very touched by this, that they wrote Amelia's name too. That is one of my biggest fears, that with time she will be forgotten by people. I will obviously never forget and I don't want anyone else to because no matter how many more babies I have I will always have one that people can't see, but she counts. I know I am not alone in feeling this way, there are sadly so many families that have more children then what you can see. I really try to remind myself of this when I see a family of 4 or 5 or more and I think to myself, "why do they get that many children and I can't even have one more. I remind myself that this family has maybe lost a baby and these are their rainbow babies, everyone has a story so I really try not to judge. So here is to another month that has past and the journey that I continue to be on. Again, Amelia may not have been with us very long but she continues to influence me every single day of my life. I am so very proud to be her mommy!

Aiden and Amelia's names in the sand!

Sleeping with my babies, and the canvas prints I made.