Checking in

I haven't blogged for a while and decided that I should probably write a little and get my thoughts out before they drive me mad! Not a whole lot has changed in the last 2 weeks, just trying to get through each day without crying too much. This past weekend Seth and I went out together for the first time in a very long time. It was fun to do something together and feel  a little "normal" for a bit. We went out because a friend of mine was turning 30 and her husband had a surprise party for her. I was excited to go out and see some people I hadn't seen in a long time, but then the anxiety kicked in. I hadn't seen a lot of these people since Amelia died, some of them didn't even know I was pregnant. I told Seth and of course he did what he always does, calmed me down! We arrived at the party and I stayed pretty close to Seth and avoided the people that I knew, and then finally one of them came up to me and asked me how I was and said she was sorry for our loss and sat down with us. It was such a relief to have that over with and I didn't cry. Then they started passing out the wine and people just kinda did their thing and we didn't have to talk about anything related to Amelia for the night. I know that may sound super insensitive, but I just didn't want to have to explain my story over and over to people I don't know very well who are drunk and won't even remember what I told them in the morning. I had fun but honestly the entire time I was out I thought about Amelia and missed her and wished I wasn't out, I wished I was home with a big huge pregnant belly. Story of my life right now, constantly wishing I was still pregnant. Saturday was a good day, Aiden had hockey in the morning and then we took him to a Minotarauros game that night and he loved it! Sunday he had hockey again in the evening and that is when I got sad. I was sitting there watching Aiden play hockey and I looked over and there was a lady walking in with a big pregnant belly. Tears started flowing and I just couldn't stop, the rest of the night I just couldn't pull myself out of this funk. A friend asked me that night through a text how I have be doing? Such a loaded question, and I started thinking which is never a good thing. In that moment I was doing terrible, I started to think about Monday I should be starting my 30th week of pregnancy. I should have the nursery done and buying last minute items for Amelia and washing her clothes and making meals to freeze so after she came we didn't have to eat out every meal. But instead I am trying to lose 30lbs to be back to a healthy weight before my TAC surgery and I am empty. I smile and laugh but I feel like they are hallow, the real joy has not returned to me yet, I hope it is soon. I don't know if any of that made sense but sometimes my thoughts just don't, again story of my life right now! So this week I have been trying to focus on honoring Amelia and not mourning her. I have gotten a team together to walk in the March of Dimes walk next Saturday and made t shirts for the people that wanted them. I am super excited about the tshirts, I think they are going to look really good, I am using Amelia's footprints on the shirt. I have to admit I didn't come up with this idea on my own, I got it from another mom who's daughter passed away and she did something similar to what I am doing. I will post pictures after the walk! I have also been accepted as a Parent Coordinator for the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep non profit organization. The coordinate photographers to volunteer their services for families that have lost a baby. The photographer is contacted by the hospital when a famliy is going to lose or has lost a baby and then they come in and take professional pictures for the family. My job will be to promote the organization and get hospitals and photographers to participate. I am really excited to be able to help families going through a loss, although I truely hope I am not busy with this because that would mean babies are dying and I don't want that. I feel like this is just another way that Amelia has changed me for the better and taught me so much in her short life. Everything I do I do it with her in mind and with the intent to make her proud of her mommy. I really hope I am being successful at this!