For Amelia

Here is a poem that my friend Catherine found for me, I read it often. Also, the corner in our living room that I have dedicated to Amelia. Notice the painting in the one picture, Aiden painted it last spring and I never really paid attention to it. For my Christmas decorating I wrapped it in Christmas wrap and hung it back up. When I started taking down my decorations I unwrapped this picture and saw something completely different from what I remember. Maybe losing Amelia has given me just a whole new perspective on what things look like, but I like to think that she had a hand in this painting. Either way, everytime I look at it, it makes me smile!

Daddy please don’t look so sad, momma please don’t cry. Cause I’m in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. Please try not to question God, don’t think he is unkind. Don’t think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I’m a special child, I am needed up above I’m the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. I’ll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. Look for the brightest star and know that’s my halo’s brilliant light. You’ll see me in the mornings frost that mists your window pane. That’s me in the summer showers, I’ll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. Know that it’s me planting a kiss upon your nose. When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug. Don’t be sad mommy, that’s just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don’t look so sad and momma please don’t cry. I’m in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies! -Unknown

Amelia's corner in our living room. I try and keep fresh flowers for her because I think she deserves them!

A couple pictures, and the canvas painting I mentioned before.

Shadow Box I made with a few of Amelia's things, baptismal napkin and shell, her hand and foot prints, a poem, a rose from her bouquet of flowers, a small sleeper she got to wear in the hospital, her ID card from the hospital, and a bracelet with her name.

Happiness/Guilt

Happiness is such a tricky thing for me these days! On Thursday I had a really good day, I drove Seth to Bismarck so he could fly to Virginia and pick up his new pickup, that part wasn't so much fun! Then I talked to my aunt Lisa and found out that the girls weekend to Detriot Lakes is a go, so I am excited for that. Then I had my phone consultation with Dr. Haney, the IC specialist in Chicago. I was so nervous for it, I was worried he would tell me that I couldn't have the surgery or that he didn't even think I had IC. We started the consult by me telling him my health history and about my pregnancy with Aiden and then everything that happened with Amelia. As soon as I was finished telling him about what happened he told me that I am a classic case of IC! This was the best news I have heard in so long, finally an answer. He said he treats women all the time that have had a completely normal pregnancy and then develop IC. There is no known cause for why this happened, he said it could be my hard labor with Aiden or it could just be biochemical, we will probably never know the cause, which does frustrate me. Then we discussed my options and the differences in the two types of cerclages. The one that he specializes in is the transabdominal cerclage, and the one that I have wanted to do since I heard about it, is a 95% greater success rate. He said that he has been placing these for more then 20 years and has never had a woman lose a baby, a 100% success rate. This pretty much sealed the deal for me, he basically is guaranteeing me that I will not lose another baby due to IC. The surgery is pretty easy, he will make an incision in the same spot where I had my c-section and put in the cerclage, 7-10 days later I will be pretty much fully recovered. It's not the invasive procedure that I was told it was, so that is good, but even if it was I would still be doing it. So morally of the story, I am a candidate for the surgery and I will be scheduling my surgery date on Monday. I got off the phone with him and I was so excited and relieved and happy, happier than I have been in a long time. I wanted to tell everyone the good news and jump up and down, and then the guilt hit me. I am so happy about the prospect of having another baby and I suddenly felt like I was betraying Amelia. How could I be happy about this, when a little over a month ago I lost her, I felt like I was replacing her. I went into my closet, because that is where most of her things are and cried. I was crying because I just wish so badly that I could have known that I had IC and I could have had the surgery to save her. I also wanted to thank her because I know she led me to finding Dr. Haney and finding answers. I just feel so awful that she didn't get the chance that my future baby or babies is going to get. I know I am not replacing her, nothing will ever replace her, and she will always be a part of our family. I also know she would want us to have more children, because for as much happiness as she brought us there was also so much sadness, we need more happiness. And like Seth told me on the phone last night at midnight when I called him because I couldn't stop crying, she would want me to be happy, I just need to learn to allow myself to be happy and not feel guilty about it.

Milestones

Yesterday the 24th was Amelia's 1 month birthday, a day most parent's get to celebrate and go "Oh my gosh! I can't believe that it has been a month already, look at how much my baby has changed!" I on the other hand got up yesterday and went to my first appointment with a psychiatrist (I think that was her title?). We just talked about the reason why I was there and what my goals and expectations were for my sessions. I talked to her about the guilt that I am feeling, the anger I feel towards myself, and just the sadness I feel on a daily basis. She "diagnosed" me with an adjustive depressive disorder, which at this point I don't need anti depressants for, which is good because I really want to avoid having to go on them, but I will if I need to. I am going back once a week for the next month and then we will see where I am at emotionally. She also told me that the guideline for the timeline of grieving is 13 months, this is because you have to have time to get past all the milestones. I have a hard time thinking that in 13 months I will be fine. I mean right now every Monday I think to myself, "Well you would be 25 weeks or whatever week in pregnancy I would be". Come the end of April I know I would have been preparing for the arrival of Amelia. And everytime I see a baby Amelia's age I will wonder what she would be like at that age, what she would look like. So 13 months, my ass! I will be doing this for the rest of my life, I just pray I stop crying everytime I see a baby girl one of these days. But all in all I feel that my sessions will be beneficial for me. So after this appointment I went to the funeral home to pay our funeral bill, I have been putting it off for a couple weeks and figured it wasn't going to get any easier so just suck it up and go. I also had another reason to go there, I ordered a cremation necklace and I needed one of the funeral directors to fill my necklace with some of Amelia's ashes. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, don't get me wrong I didn't want to stay there any longer then I had to be, but I didn't cry and I thought that was a good sign. When I left there I had to run to the DMV for Seth and then I met my friend Jenny for lunch, which was fun and good to see and talk to her. From there it was to the bank and to Staples for Seth and then finally pick Aiden up from school. Things started to go downhill on the way home when I heard Aiden tell his friend Noah, "If my baby sister was alive, we could just take her to your house for daycare and I could just come pick her up when I got home from school". I had to keep it together, I didn't want to cry infront of these boys and I especially didn't want Aiden to feel bad, I am so happy he is able to talk about Amelia. I just go angry that these words had to even come out of a 7 year olds mouth. From there my night was bad, I cried off and on most of the night, I just couldn't keep it together. Luckily Seth got home early from work so he was there for me with his hugs that help. I was exhausted and decided to go to bed about 10 and then I got in bed and decided I would start another book on coping with losing a child, bad idea. I read the first page and it started out with talking about why it is so hard to lose a child is because you begin bonding with your child during infancy, when they depend on you the most. I just started sobbing, my Amelia was depending on me and I failed her is all I could think. I layed in bed just crying and crying and as soon as I was feeling like I was done I would look over and see her picture that I have in my closet or her urn that sits on my nightstand and I would start sobbing again. I miss her so much and the reality just caught up with me, that it has been a month since I got to hold my baby, even though it feels so much longer. I finally had to ask Seth to come into the bedroom and lay with me because I just couldn't be alone anymore. It was better when he was there, we talked and I confessed that as much as I want another baby, I don't, I want Amelia not a different baby. I am so scared that when we have another one I will hold that baby and just wish he or she was Amelia. I am scared I won't love the next one as much as I love her. All these thoughts just go through my head and it scares me. Plus, I am kinda jumping the gun, I still have to have my phone consultation with Dr. Haney tomorrow to make sure I am a candidate for the transabdominal cerclage. With a 95% and greater success rate I have absolutely no doubt this is the route I want to go, 75-80% just isn't good enough for me doing the other cerclages. So I am getting anxious for that conversation, I just wish Seth would be there to ask questions because I always forget things I want to ask. He is leaving tomorrow for Virginia to go pick up his dream pickup that he bought a week before we had Amelia. He was supposed to go right after Christmas, but with everything that happened he postponed the trip and now the day has come. I am not going to lie I am dreading him leaving. I haven't slept alone in a long time and I am scared, I might be sleeping with Aiden for a few nights. I feel like my anxiety level is throught the roof, I am just scared of something happening to him on the trip. I have read this is normal to have fears of something happening to your spouse or other children after the loss of a child. So I am not crazy, Yay! I will just be calling him constantly to check on him and I will probably drive him nuts, but that's ok. Other then that, I am in a much better place today then yesterday which is good. I had lunch with a girl that I went to high school with who recently had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was good to talk with her and share stories and experiences, but it breaks my heart that the reason we got together is because we have both been through a life changing, devastating experience. I hope at some point we can do lunch together and talk about our futures and hopefully have happy stuff to share with eachother! So Ashley thank you for getting together with me today and I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and I know there are great things in your future! So I will end this post since it is getting long and I will probably be writing tomorrow about my conversation with Dr. Haney and hopefully it is a good post and not a sad one. Good night!

One Month

(Family Picture)

So here I am it has been a month since we met our precious Amelia and also had to say goodbye to her, one of the most bitter sweet days of my life. I have to admit I have been really scared about today because I didn't know how I was going to feel. Last Saturday was the 3 week point and I think that is the worst I have felt since the day of the funeral. I laid on my couch for most of the afternoon and evening and cried off and on. I kept reliving Dec. 24th and all the emotions just came flooding back. I think what triggered me to go into this deep hole that I was in, was an email I received from a pregnancy website that I had subscribed to. In the email, yes I know I never should have opened it but I did, now your baby can finally hear you. I just started crying because now I knew that Amelia's hearing hadn't yet fully developed and her couldn't hear my voice, she would never hear my voice. Then I began to think about her eyes, her eyes hadn't opened yet and she could see me, she would never know what I looked like and I was scared that someday when I get to heaven she wouldn't now who I am. All of this compiled with all the other questions that lingered in my mind, made for an awful day, thankgoodness that Aiden is such a wonderful kid and when I told him mommy didn't feel good today he said he would take care of me. This made me even more sad because I am the mom, I am supposed to be taking care of him not the other way around. But in that moment I just couldn't pull myself out of this rut, so I just stayed in it. I talked to my mom earlier in the day and barely was able to keep it together while talking to her, I didn't want her to worry about me, even though I know she still did. It wasn't until Seth got home from work that night that I finally started to come around and stop crying. The next day was the day I decided to start my blog, I couldn't have another day like Saturday. I have a son and husband that need me and I need to at least somewhat function for them. I can't even begin to say how much better I feel after writing on my blog, it's the cheapest therapy, even though I am still going for professional help next week!

So back to today, I am sitting here on the couch with Aiden, he is watching one of my all time favorite movies "Dumb and Dumber" and writing. Aiden and Seth surprised me with coffee in bed and Aiden made me a card, I know today will still be hard, but I will be ok. Aiden has a birthday party at 1 and then my parents are coming to town and getting a hotel room at the Grand so Aiden can swim and we can just hang out. My friend Catherine is coming with her son, so it should be fun. I have a feeling that my parents planned to be here today because of last Saturday and plus Seth has to work so I feel very lucky that they would do that for me. So today is going to be a busy day, which is good, but Amelia will be on my mind all day, as she is most days but I feel ok. I know she heard everything Seth and I told her and I know that she will recognize me someday in heaven, I know that in my heart. So as I reflect on what I have learned in the month since we lost Amelia, I feel like a different person, a better person. I have learned that I am so much stronger then I ever thought before, even though I still have days when I am not and that is ok. I learned that I could fall even more in love with my husband, which I really didn't think was possible, but it is. I learned that a hug from my child can make me feel so much better when I feel like the world is crashing around me. I learned about the power of prayer, from receiving prayers to praying myself, it all helps so much. I learned, even though I already knew this but this situation really opened my eyes, just how amazing my friends and family truely are. I have learned that I have a connection to many women that I never knew very well, we have all lost a baby or babies, and I admire each and everyone of them for sharing their stories with me. I have learned that talking is the best therapy to work through my emotions, even if I don't feel like I want to, keeping them in is so much worse. I learned how much I could miss and love someone that I only knew for a short time. And finally I learned that by writing and sharing everything that I have gone through and am feeling and thinking, I can help other people, which I never imagined would happen. Oh and one last thing, well probably not I will post this and then think of more, my daughter even though she is not here with me is changing my life and is working her magic. So many things this past month have happened that I know it is her letting me know that she is here with me and watching over me and her family. I love you to the moon and back my precious Amelia Harper, and thank you for being such a blessing in my life, you are forever in my heart, Love Mommy

Laughing

I love to laugh, I love to laugh so hard it makes my stomach hurt,or makes me snort, but lately I have a hard time laughing. I feel guilty when I do it, I feel that I shouldn't be laughing, just crying. I mean I live with a man that does some funny things and I have a son who takes after his dad and does all the silly things he does. Before all this happened we had a lot of laughter in our house and I laughed all the time at the two of them. Now they still do all the silly things, I just don't feel like I should be laughing. I feel like I am betraying Amelia in some way, I think that if I am not crying then I will forget her. Even though I know I will never forget her, it just seems wrong for me to enjoy anything yet. I know with time this guilt will pass and I know in my heart that Amelia would want me to laugh and enjoy the things that I used to enjoy. Yesterday and today I have been working on getting Aiden's new bedroom and bathroom in the basement redone for his big move downstairs. Typically I would really enjoy doing this, but today I just felt sad about doing it. All I thought about was how he is going to move downstairs and his bedroom upstairs is going to remain empty, because a nursery won't be going in there. I am angry because I was supposed to be so excited about Aiden getting his big boy bedroom, but I am so sad about him moving downstairs. I act excited for him because he is excited about his new room, but deep down inside I am screaming. It took a lot of convincing to get him excited about a new room, we started talking about his new room as soon as we found out I was pregnant. We only have 2 bedrooms upstairs so he had no choice he had to go downstairs. After weeks and weeks for convincing he is now excited and I am dreading it, how ironic is that?! The big moving day has yet to be determined we still need to put a closet organizer in, but I am guessing sometime this weekend, and I am sure I will cry my eyes out that night when I go to bed and there is an empty room next to us that will remain empty, just typing that makes my eyes well up with tears. I know in my head that she is gone, but my heart aches for her and I still want to make the nursery for her that I had imagined. It was going to be so pretty, but not over the top girly, although I did want to put in a chandilier, which Seth just rolled his eyes about! I had the crib picked out but not purchased, I had a dresser purchased but still needed to paint it, I still had to pick out a chair, a nice one that was comfy for those late night feedings. All these things were supposed to be purchased but not anymore, instead I am having a wood box made to put Amelia's things into. The blanket she was born on, the afgan the hospital gave us, her scrap book I made her, pictures, and sympathy cards, these are the things that my baby has, its just not fair. This is "everything" that is her's, no dolls or barbies or any of the other girly toys I was so excited to buy her. It's jsut not fair. This is why I have a hard time truely enjoying anything right now, because as soon as I begin to enjoy something I start to think about this and all the things that Amelia won't get. I can say that I do have a new appreciation for all the people in my life, because without them I would not be here and I can say that with confidence. I am so blessed to have an incredible husband who has been so supportive of me through all of this. I was so scared he was going to blame me for what happened, he didn't, and he continues to comfort me when I am feeling sad. He will stay home with me in the morning if I am sad, even though he's not supposed to. He hugs me all the time and makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. He was wonderful this week when I went to him and asked if it was ok if I withdrew from school, I just couldn't focus on my class. He told me whatever I wanted to do was ok with him, I love him so much. I feel like this experience has brought us closer together and has made our love for eachother deeper and stronger, and I know that is because of Amelia. Well and then there is Aiden, and all I have to say about him is that I am so lucky to have him, him and Amelia are my greatest accomplishments, and they both make me the proudest mommy in the world. So hopefully with time I will be able to laugh at my silly boys and enjoy the simple things in life and focus on the good that is in my life and not be sad for what I don't have. The truth is I have my perfect little family with 2 children, a boy and a girl, and I love them both more than anything and my daughter may not be with here on earth she is always in my heart, and someday we will be together again!

Overwhelmed

Wow, is all I can say for the response that I have received from so many people as a result of my blog. I never imagined that by posting my blog site on facebook I would get the reaction that I have. Frankly, I really didn't think anyone would read it, or if they did they wouldn't say anything. I have received so many facebook messages from women that have been through similar experiences as me, and they are thanking me for sharing my story because it is helping them deal with what they are going through. It makes me happy that I am able to help people, especially with something as tragic as losing a child. I mean I am no expert by any means, but if me sharing my story inspires someone else to talk about theirs or just lets them know that they are not alone then this blog is so worth writing. So to all of you other mommies of angel babies thank you for your kind words! Every message I receive has a story of tragedy and each one is unique, but we all have one thing in common, the love we have for our angel babies! We will never forget them and someday we will all get to hold those babies in our arms! I will keep you all in my prayers!

Finding Answers

As my journey continues I have began to look for answers as to why this all happened. Today I had a doctors appointment in Bismarck with the doctor that performed my D&C procedure. I have not talked about this yet, not only did I have to go through the labor to delivery my baby girl, a week later on New Years Day I had to have a D&C done. Seth and I decided to take Aiden for a fun overnighter in a hotel in Bismarck so Aiden could have some fun and swim. My body had a different plan! I began to gush blood and Seth had to rush me to the ER in Bismarck where I had to explain my story about what happened multiple times, have multiple instruments shoved up my crotch and come to find out I had to have surgery that night to remove placenta that didn't come out the first time. Talk about another slap in the face! Well today I went in for my 2 week follow up wtih that doctor and we talked to him about IC and what he thought about the options for cerclages. He then perocedes to tell us, Seth was also along, that he was unsure if I actually have IC, another SLAP. I thought I had one answer to so many questions, but apparently not. Because of my history and because I had a normal pregnancy already he thought it was something else that caused me to dialate early. Although, he said as a precaution a cerclage should be put in because we don't want to risk losing another baby in the future, if I do have IC. So then I began to think what did I do to cause this, there must have been something I did to make this happen. I have been racking my brain for something and I have nothing. Now we wait until my next appointment with my doctor here to see what his opinin is and what he thinks caused me to lose my baby. I also have a phone consultation with a doctor that specializes in IC, he is in Chicago but if a permanant cerclage is what I need to do to allow me piece of mind and the confidence to have another baby that is where I will go. At this point I again am not certain what caused Amelia to be born so early, but I will find an answer, I need to find an answer. I know another baby is in my future and I am going to do whatever I possibly can to assure I will not lose that baby, even if that means having an invasive procedure that is not 100% necessary. I would much rather have a procedure and not need it then risk not doing it and losing another baby and wishing I would have just done the procedure. On a better note, I have had 2 pretty good days in a row! I still think about Amelia constantly throughout the day and talk to her, but I feel at peace because I know she is always with me and she is safe and being loved and taken care of. I will keep you posted on my journey to finding answers!