Time for a little update!

Well it has been FOREVER since I have blogged. I have been wanting to for awhile, but I just haven't had time! So I guess I have a lot to write about, it's only been almost 8 months and we've had some pretty huge changes around here! The last time I blogged I was 34 weeks pregnant and very anxious to meet our little man! Well the story of his birth is pretty crazy and eventful, just like our life now! On April 1st I had a doctor appointment with my OB, it was my last one before my scheduled C-section the next Monday. Aiden didn't have school because it was the Monday after Easter so he went with Seth to track practice and I had lunch with my friend Ericka. After lunch I went to my appt. The nurse took my BP and to me it seemed high, but what do I know?! My dr came in and checked babies heartbeat and said everything was good! Before I left I asked my dr. about my BP, he must have felt it was high because he rechecked it. It was still high so he had me lay down and rest for a bit. He came back and rechecked it again and it had gone down, I sat up and he checked it and it went back up. At that point he said that I needed to go to the hospital and be observed and that baby just might be coming that night! I was of course excited, but when I called Seth I suddenly got really emotional and scared and I started crying. The last time a dr told me to go to the hospital I went and left without my baby. I had to get some blood work done before I went to the hospital and by the time I was done Seth and Aiden met me at the clinic and drove me to the hospital. We got checked into labor and delivery and all hooked up to the monitors. We got to sit and listen to baby's heartbeat, it made me feel much better knowing he was ok, we were both ok! My BP stayed high so the nurse called my dr and he scheduled my C-section for that night at 7pm. Let me remind you it was April Fool's day so when I called my mom to tell her that she needed to get to Minot within the next 2 hours she thought I was joking! I reassured her that I wouldn't joke about this and that it was go time! Seth ran home to finish up packing my hospital bag and drop Aiden off at a friends house until my parents got to town. Seth got back to the hospital just as they were wheeling me down to the delivery room. Once I got into the delivery room everything moved pretty fast. Harrison Seth Hoff entered the world at 6:45pm weigh 10lb 9oz and 22 1/4 in. He was a perfect big bundle!! We were all very surprised by his size, he was 2 weeks early and I shutter to think how big he would have been if he would have been full term! We stayed in the hospital until Wednesday and then we decided it was time to take Harrison home. This is when reality really set in!!

Been Awhile

Wow I can't believe its been over a month since I have posted on here! Time sure is flying, well kinda! I'm 34 weeks 3 days pregnant and I have 34 days to go until baby arrives! I am so excited and so beyond ready to meet him. These last couple weeks have been kinda rough, I've been having some dizzy spells that cause me to become faint and my heart starts racing and my pulse increases. The doctors claim its due to the extra blood pumping through my body, but it is crazy scary. So I have been just taking it easy and trying to relax. We had a super exciting delivery a couple weeks ago, we received our Amelia Bear in the mail. She is perfect and such a special gift for our family. I ordered her from Molly Bears, which is such an amazing organization that I look forward to supporting. Our Amelia Bear weighs 11 oz. just like Amelia, and is pink, wearing a tutu and a crown! She is our little princess! I have to admit when the box came I was super nervous to open it, I knew what was inside and wasn't sure how I was going to react. I didn't know what she would look like or how it would feel to hold my 11 oz. bundle again. Once I finally got up the courage to open it, I was so happy to see that she looked exactly how I envisioned her to look, and then I picked her up. I instantly started crying, it felt so good to hold her. Some people might think it sounds weird that a bear can make me feel better or remind me of Amelia, but it truly does. I held the bear in my arms just like I held Amelia in the hospital and just closed my eyes and pretended for a minute that it was her, my sweet baby girl was in my arms again. After not holding her for 14 months, it felt so good to have her in my arms again. I realize that this is a bear and not my actual baby, but it is the closest thing I will ever have and I will take anything I can get. As excited as I am to hold my rainbow baby, he will never replace the ache I have for Amelia. I will forever miss holding her, but I know that a little piece of her will be inside my little guy and for that I am so thankful. It was also super emotional to show Aiden the bear. He never got to meet or hold Amelia, so seeing him hold that bear was another really emotional moment. I had to fight back the tears while he held her and asked about Amelia, and said how much he wishes she was still here with us. When he says stuff like this it gets me every time. I wish so badly that he didn't have to say things like that, that he wasn't so comfortable with the fact that his baby sister is in heaven. Although it makes me so happy that he still talks about her, and asks questions about her. So know I can't wait to have pictures taken of my 3 babies, after baby is born. It makes me so happy that I will have pictures with the 3 of them, I don't have to worry about leaving out Amelia and having the guilt that goes along with taking pictures without her. So this is what's been happening in the Hoff household. I hope that the next time I post I will be posting pictures of our new little baby boy and fingers crossed he will have a name! Daddy is having a hard time commiting to a name, so hopefully he will commit to one soon!

Time

Time it's a funny thing, sometimes it goes so fast you wish it would just slow down and then sometimes it seems like it goes so slow you would give anything to speed it up. Another month has passed so now it has been 13 months since we said goodbye to our baby girl. I didn't feel sad on the 24th for me it was really just another day, I don't miss Amelia more on the 24th then I do on anyother day of the week. I wonder if a day will come when I stop keeping track of how many months have passed, when I would have to stop and figure it out. I imagine that day will come at some point and yet that scares me too. I am scared that my life will get busy and I will get consumed with other parts of my life that I will forget about how many months or years have passed. Right now I don't have a whole lot to focus on other then growing this rainbow baby. It leaves me a lot of time to get lost in thought and time to just think. I know in about 2 months that will all change and my mind will be much busier with diapers, feedings and just adjusting to having a baby in the house again. Will I start to forget about Amelia? Will I not think about her as much as I do now? Will I stop imagining what she would be like or what she would look like? Will I be so busy with her brothers that I just don't have the time to feel sad? I guess these are all things that I will not know until the day arrives, but these are questions that I think about and wonder about. Will I still be able to be a good mommy to her while trying to be a good mommy to my boys? Ugh, sometimes this whole journey can get so confusing, I wish there was an easy answer to my questions but I think it's a wait and see anwser. I imagine what life will be like once the baby is here and I imagine it will be wonderful and I know that Amelia would not want me to feel sad about her not being her, but to be happy that her brother is here. Her baby brother looks a lot like her, the 3D ultrasound we had done we could see the similarities in their facial features, which was really amazing. I know he will look like his big brother Aiden when he's born, they already have the same little nose and lips. I imagine Amelia would have looked just like Aiden to, had she been born full term. So that is what I have been thinking about these past few weeks, while I anxiously await baby's arrival. The month of January has gone so slowly I am looking forward to saying goodbye to it tomorrow and hello to February. April 8th can't come soon enough for me, I just want to be able to hold this baby in my arms and know that he's ok. I am so paranoid about something going wrong, I know he has his big sister watching out for him, but I am still so nervous. The one very exciting thing that did happen this month was I was able to order an Amelia Bear from the organization Molly Bears. The make teddy bears that weigh the same as your angel and then personalize them and you have something tangible to hold onto. The waiting list was 12-16 months and last Saturday I was able to make a $100 donation and bump my bear to the head of the line. I should receive her the end of February, and I am so excited. I also feel so fortunate that I heard about this organization and that I was able to afford to make the donation to get my bear sooner. The bears cost about $45 so I basically purchased my bear and sponsored a bear for another family. I can't wait to have her home so Aiden can hold her and even more exciting when we take newborn pictures I can have the bear there so all 3 of my babes can be in the picture together. Hopefully I will get a picture posted of our Amelia Bear when we get her, I am so excited to see it and hold my 11oz. bundle again!

Made it!

Well Christmas and New Years Eve have come and gone and we survived....yay!! I realize Christmas was 2 weeks ago and New Years a week ago, but I think I'm finally winding down from all of it! There is always so much hype and excitement leading up to Christmas and this year was no different, but instead of excitement it was more anxiety for me. I missed out on Christmas Eve last year with Aiden so I wanted to make this year special for him, but also incorporate Amelia's 1st birthday in heaven into the day, something I never dreamed I would ever have to do. I was up early on Christmas Eve, I had way too much on my mind to sleep in so I got up and started the day. I received so many facebook messages, text messages, and calls that day that I was completely overwhelmed by how many people were thinking of us and more importantly Amelia. I sat on the couch and just cried because I was so afraid that the day was going to just continue on normally for everyone else and nobody would remember that is was Amelia's birthday, and it was only 7am. Throughout the day I kept receiving more text and messages and I can't even put into words how much it meant to me. Christmas Eve is always such a busy day for everyone and the fact that so many took the time to think of us was amazing, I feel so blessed to have so many people in our lives that thought of us. We also received some cards and our friends Anne and Nathan brought over flowers for us, so sweet! So after my first crying fit I felt pretty good, by that time Seth was up and we started our day, officially! I made Amelia cupcakes, cherry chip with pink frosting and sprinkles. We let Aiden and Bronx open one present early, which made both of them very happy! Aiden got a movie and an ornament, and Bronx got new tennis balls and some cookies. We decided to go to church at 3:30, which I was nervous about since Amelia was born at 4pm and I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when that time rolled around, but then I decided that I will feel the same whether I'm at church or at home. When we got to church we saw pastor John and Nathan right away and both of them gave us hugs and told us they were happy we were there. I could feel the tears welling up, but I fought them back, I didn't want to cry. I was just nice to see them on her birthday, since they are the only other people other then the hospital staff that saw or held Amelia. They were both there during our worst moments and for some reason it was comforting to see them. Once church started I felt pretty good until I saw a super cute little baby girl all dressed up in a cute Christmas dress, once again tears welled up and I fought them back. I didn't want to cry. I just remember being so excited to buy a super cute Christmas dress for Amelia when I knew we were having a girl. So then the music started and once again tears welled up and I didn't want to cry, so at this point I asked Amelia to please give the strength to get through church without crying and feeling sad and she answered. I felt ok the rest of church, I felt like she was with me and telling me that it was ok to feel sad, but that she was there and I shouldn't feel sad. We got home from church and made dinner, steaks and shrimp, and then we opened presents. Aiden had all his presents opened in about 5 minutes and Seth surprised me with a new pandora charm bracelet. I didn't think I would be opening anything because he had put a car starter in my car a week before and he told me that was my present, he's so sweet! He said that he couldn't let me not have anything to open on Christmas. Once present opening was done Aiden wanted to go play his new playstation game so him and Seth headed downstairs to play and I tagged along and ended up falling asleep on the couch for a couple hours. Once I woke up the boys were ready to play one of Aiden's new board games he received, but before that I wanted to sing Amelia Happy Birthday and blow out the candles on her 9 cupcakes, one for each minute that she was with us. I lit all the candles and we sang to her and then Aiden blew out the candles, it was perfect and just the way I wanted it to be! We played the game and ate cupcakes and then it was about time to go to bed! I slept good that night, I felt like we did a good job of incorporating Amelia's birthday into Christmas and I know she was there with us. Christmas Day we spent in Bismarck with Seth's parents, and then a couple days after that we went to my parent's house and had Christmas with them. Nothing like having 3 Christmases! New Years Eve was pretty boring, Seth ended up having to drive someone back to Williston from Minot and didn't get home until late, not sure when I was sleeping by 9:30 I know party animal! I wasn't very happy with Seth, I thought he was going to be home earlier and I think I was just really hormonal so the next morning we hugged it out and I cried and all was well again! Gotta love hormones, thank goodness Seth is patient! New Years Day we drove and had lunch with Seth's best friend from high school and his wife and then we drove home, again pretty exciting I know! Once we got home it was time to get Aiden ready to go back to school the next day, the holiday season was officially coming to a close and we survived it! This Christmas was filled with lots of emotions, but I have to say that my favorite emotion was relief that it was over and we made it!

Birthday Girl

Amelia,
Today is your 1st Birthday, today is a celebration of you and your life. The day you were born was a sad day because Mommy and Daddy knew that you wouldn't be able to stay with us long, but it was also happy because we got to meet you and see just how beautiful you are. You were perfect, the prettiest baby girl I have ever seen and I wanted to keep you so bad, but God had much bigger plans for you. I don't know what that plan is, but I know it must have been very important. Mommy, Daddy and big brother Aiden all miss you so much and love you more then you will ever know. We still talk about you to anyone that will listen, I want everyone to know that I have a beautiful daughter. I will continue to do my best to keep your memory alive and make sure people never forget you. I hope you liked the birthday celebration that I decided to do. I wanted to do something special that would bring joy to others and especially children during Christmas. I thought one random act of kindness would be a perfect way to help others and also make you happy. Sometimes I wonder why God would take you on Christmas Eve, a day that is about family and spending time together. I now think that you were meant to do big things here on earth, with Mommies help. It is all I can do now and I will continue to do special things for your birthday that will also help others in your memory. I hope you have a wonderful birthday in heaven today, I can only imagine what a birthday in heaven must be like and I imagine it must be amazing. Mommy, Daddy, Aiden, your baby brother and Bronx the dog will do our best to celebrate you today, and we will say a special prayer for you. We will also sing you happy birthday, blow out the candle on your cupcakes, and of course eat a cupcake for you. We love you sweet Amelia, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven! I found this poem that I thought it was perfect because everytime I see a rainbow I always think of you and that you are somewhere looking down on me. On Christmas Day last year I remember looking out the window while the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful and pink like I had never seen before. I knew that was a way of you telling me that you were in heaven and that you were ok, so everytime the sky turns pink I think of you. I hope you like the poem as much as I do.

Vicki Brown - Look for me in rainbows

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.
In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.
It won't be forever, the day will come and then
My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.
Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.
Every waking moment, and all your whole life through
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.
Just wish me to be near you,
And I'll be there with you.

Happy 1st Birthday

The day has finally arrived, a day that I have been thinking about for months Dec. 24th, 2012, also known as Christmas Eve. A day for families to gather together and spend time with eachother and eat food and open presents and just have a great time. For me this day will never just be about food and presents, it is first and foremost Amelia's birthday. I woke up about a half hour ago and wasn't sure how I felt, was I sad, was I happy, or was I just ok. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling, of course I'm sad, but I'm sad everyday because I miss Amelia everyday not just today. I'm sad because we will celebrate her birthday without her here to help us blow out the candles on her cupcakes and she won't get to enjoy the balloons and flowers we bought for her, but I know she is getting to share her birthday with Jesus in heaven and I don't think I can top that kind of party here on earth. I just pray that she knows how badly I wish she was here with us and how much we love her and miss her. We plan to be a church today during her actual birth time, 4 pm, which I hope I find comforting and don't cry whole time. I am also looking forward to seeing the poinsetta that we purchased in her memory that will help decorate the front of the church. I think I'm still a little in shock that it has been a year already, it feels like an eternity since I have held Amelia in my arms and yet it doesn't seem like a year should have passed so quickly. I miss Amelia more and more everyday and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and wish she was here. Would she be walking by now, how many teeth would she have, would she love my sugar cookies as much as Aiden does, I have so many questions that while on this earth I will never know. I'm not sure if I can possibly miss her anymore then I do right now, but I am sure I can. As much as I want Amelia here with us I am comforted knowing that all that she knows is love and goodness, and I will never have to explain the scary things in life to her because she will never have to experience scary things. Maybe that sounds selfish of me, maybe not but it is how I feel. I worry constantly about Aiden and I don't worry about Amelia anymore because I know she is in a safe place, surrounded by people that love her. Don't get me wrong if things could be different I would choose for her to be here, but unfortunately that is not possible. I feel blessed that I have a special angel that watches over us, and is always with us no matter where we go. I feel blessed that I was able to spend the time with her that I did, because it was better then no time with her. So today while your with your family having a wonderful time, take the time to think about all the angels that are spending Christmas and their birthdays in heaven and the families that have to figure out how to go on without them.

Pink

So these past couple of days I have been finding out some people that I know are expecting girls. When I found out were we pregnant I didn't care one bit if it was a boy or girl, as long as we were able to bring a healthy baby home it didn't matter. Well from the beginning I felt we were having a boy so it was no surprise to me to find out it was a boy. I have been so happy and excited to have yet another boy in the house and seeing pink in the stores doesn't even bother me anymore, I am in full boy mode. That was until a couple days ago, I found out someone I know is expecting a girl. She is a wonderful person and has experienced 2 miscarriages in the past year and deserves this baby girl. It just made me sad, and as hard as it is to think and say but jealous. I don't want to be jealous of her, I'm happy for her and very excited. But I found myself thinking why I does she get a girl and I get a boy. I feel so guilty to feel this way, because I love this baby boy so much already and I want him, but I can't shake this feeling. Then today I found out another person I know is expecting a girl and again I feel the same jealousy. I am angry at myself for feeling like this, I feel like I am being ungrateful for the little blessing that is a true gift from God that is growing inside me and I don't feel ungrateful at all, but I sound ungrateful. It confuses me that I feel like this and maybe that is just part of this journey and this is normal to experience feelings like this when expecting a rainbow baby of the opposite sex of the one that is in heaven. I know I was given a boy for a reason and I will love him more then anything, I just pray that I get over these feelings. I don't want to feel jealous anymore, I dealt with that enough after Amelia went to heaven whenever I would see a baby girl and it was awful. I wanted to cry everytime I saw pink and I don't want to be in that place again. It is just hard to know that I have a daughter that no one can see and that on this earth I will never get to hold her again or show her off to everyone in her new pink outfits. I know material things are not important and that someday in heaven I will get to do all the important things with her, but until then I have to just be at peace with the way things are and miss her. I miss Amelia terribly, it is still a dull ache that I live with everyday, and in a flip of a switch the dull ache can turn into a throbbing pain. This week the pain has been much more prominent and I have spent a lot more time then usual thinking and being sad. I am just allowing myself this time and maybe that is why the news of people expecting girls is hard for me to handle, because its been almost a year since I have held mine in my arms and I want more then anything to be able to do that again. I know that in a little over 3 months when I hold my baby boy in my arms much of this pain will dull again, because when I hold him it will be  like holding a little piece of Amelia again and I am so excited for that. I know that God and Amelia are working together and they have great plans for our family and I trust that they know best.