10 Months

I can hardly believe that yet another month has passed already.  I feel like it was just yesterday when I started writing this blog and here I am 10 months later. It is crazy to think back at the last 10 months and how much has changed. I have gone through so many different stages of grief and so many experiences that I never in a million years even dreamed I would have to deal with. I think back to Christmas Day of 2011, the day after Amelia went to heaven and how awful I felt and how desparate, sad, and hopeless I felt. Then I look at today and I am in a much different place, I can honestly say I feel happy, not the pure happiness I was feeling 1 year ago but a different happy. I feel hopeful for the future, and I do get sad sometimes, but I am ok with that and I just let it happen I don't fight it anymore. Those sad moments usually come when I start thinking about what Amelia would be doing at this stage, or thinking about her upcoming birthday. I also have a strong sense of pride though, I am so proud to say that I have an angel. I wish so badly she was here, but I would rather have Amelia as an angel then not have her at all. I have been thinking about calling my counselor since I have been having some major anxiety about Amelia's birthday. I think it also isn't helping that I am pregnant during the same exact time of year again. I remember last year going trick or treating with Aiden and being pregnant and here I am this year, I will be going trick or treating with Aiden pregnant. I cringe when I hear Christmas music or the word holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas but I am so dreading them. Thanksgiving because I will be about 20 weeks pregnant which is what I was when we lost Amelia and Christmas I just have so many mixed emotions about it. I am excited to celebrate Amelia's 1st Birthday in heaven but I know I will be so sad that she isn't physically here with us. Ugh, I feel like a broken record since I think this is what I have been writing about for the last 2 months. I know the 1st birthday is probably the hardest, it's just hard to believe that a year has passed. I remember when Aiden turned 1 and just thinking how fast that first year went, and how much I looked forward to what the next year would bring. I hope and pray that I can be strong for my family on her birthday and make it a special day and not a day that I just want to lay around and mope. I think the one thing that is helping me through this time of year is Aiden and this little baby in my belly. I think if I weren't pregnant I would be in a much darker place and I think that is why I got pregnant when I did. I feel like it was a gift that Amelia sent us to help us get through these next couple months because she knew it was going to be hard. Although sometimes I feel like I am having deja vu since everything is so similiar, but it's ok it's also strangley comforting. I will try and post some pictures of Halloween, and my Jack Sparrow who I will be taking trick or treating! Also we have Aiden's 8th Birthday party next Friday, we are having a bowling party and then we are having a small get together on Saturday for Seth's 30th birthday, he turns 30 on Sunday. So needless to say this next week is going to be kinda crazy busy, but I think it will be great celebrating with friends and family! So Happy Halloween everyone!

October 15th, 2012

Yesterday was October 15th, also known as Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day. One year ago I had no clue that this day even existed, and now I have it on my calendar. I was fortunate enough to attend a balloon release last week Thursday in Bismarck with a the Angel Babies group I belong to. This is a group of women that have helped me a lot even though I had never met any of them in person before last week. Seth was able to come with me and it was nice, and for some reason I just wouldn't let myself cry. I don't know why I wouldn't, I think I was just trying to be strong and make it more of a celebration of Amelia's short life instead of something sad. I just kept thinking to myself, this is all I have of my daughter balloon releases. I know that is not try I have so much more then that, but in that moment I just felt sad. Because of this balloon release I was inspired to create a balloon release in Minot for all the families here that have lost a baby or pregnancy. I planned it in 10 days and thank God for facebook because I was able to get the word out to a lot of people. I also called the local news station and they were very interested in the story and agreed to do an interview about the day and the balloon release. So yesterday morning a reporter came over and we talked for over an hour, which is funny because my little blip on the news was about 30 seconds! Which is a good thing since I did a lot of babbling and I am sure I made no sense half the time, gotta love editing! I also contacted the grocery store in town and talked to the manager and he agreed to donate all the balloons to the release, all 65 of them! So last night at 6:30 my friend Catherine and I and our kids got to the release site and started sorting balloons! I had around 40 people that came and I was just completely overwhelmed by the response and the support of the even! Our local paper came and interviewed me and our balloon release was on the front page of the paper this morning! The pastor from my church, Nathan, came and said a prayer for all of us before we sent our balloons up to heaven. It was extra special that he was there since he is the one that baptized Amelia, he was there when I was at my lowest point ever and now he was there last night when I am at a much better point in my life. Although last night I wasn't able to keep in the tears, as I was thanking everyone for coming out and supporting me and the event I kinda lost it, I got all high pitched and people probably couldn't even understand what I was saying so at that point I passed it on to Nathan to say the prayer! I cried through the whole prayer and then we let go of our balloons and I felt at peace. I know Amelia was there just waiting for her balloons, I think she had 4 or 5 which is so amazing! Aiden was my date for the night since Seth couldn't be there, he's in Denver for work this week so that kinda sucked but I know he wanted to be there. I have received so much positive feedback from people about the balloon release and it makes me so happy that I was able to do something to honor my daughter, but at the same time help others dealing with their loss. I know there is a reason why Amelia's life was so short and I am not positive why, but I am going to make sure that something positive comes from her death. I refuse to let her be forgotten and I am determined to keep her memory alive, and this is just one way that I plan to do that. I love my baby girl more then words can even begin to express and I did this for her and I hope she is half as proud of her mommy as I am of her! Here are some pictures from last night!
Here are the links to my interview and the news paper article!
http://www.kmot.com/News_Stories.asp?news=59829
http://www.minotdailynews.com/page/content.detail/id/569897/Balloon-release-held-to-raise-awareness-of-infant-loss.html?nav=5010

passing out balloons

Aiden and I with our balloons to Amelia

Saying my thank you's and crying!

Our balloons floating up to heaven to our angels

9 Months

Wow 9 months I can hardly believe that it has been 9 months already. Kinda crazy how 9 months can mean two totally different things for me. 9 months since I have held Amelia and also thinking about the 9 months of pregnancy that I didn't get with her. And yet here I am pregnant again and praying that I finally get 9 whole months of pregnancy this time. Amelia has been on my mind constantly lately and I think it's because there are so many reminders of her 1 year birthday in heaven coming up. Everytime I turn around there is something about Christmas and the saying "It's the most wonderful time of the year". I used to think that and feel that, but not this year. I am honestly dreading Christmas this year. Christmas is no longer just about getting together with family, food and presents, it's my baby girls birthday and proof that a whole year has passed since I held her last. I hope that someday I can think of Christmas and be excited or at least not want to cry, but it is a holiday that has forever changed for me. While families are celebrating, and I am sure this year most of my family will be celebrating and I want that for them, I don't want my family to be sad this year. I will be sad and I pray that I am able to put on a brave face and celebrate Amelia's 1st birthday and Christimas, but I am scared I won't be able to. She was born at 4 pm on Christmas Eve a time that the church service we usually go to starts, do I go to church and sing songs and smile or do I stay home and cry? I don't know, I guess I don't have to decide right this second but it's questions like this that I ask myself all the time. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that so much of this pregnancy is just like my pregnancy with Amelia. Not only do I feel very similiar as I did last time, I am will be doing a lot of the same things as I did while pregnant with Amelia. Going trick or treating, celebrating Aiden's, Seth's and my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas decorating, Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, wrapping presents, the list could go on and on. I am sure I am not the only person that has experienced a preganancy after loss that had so much in common with the previous pregnancy, but it is just hard. Last year at this time I couldn't wait to do all the things surrounding the holidays, and this year I am not looking forward to any of it. I kinda wish I could just skip over it all, and yet I know that Aiden deserves a wonderful Christmas this year so I know I will make it as special as I can for him. It will be a different kind of Christmas this year, but we will be together so that's all that matters. So this is what has been going through my head for about the last month, kinda crazy I know. As far as this pregnancy goes I am 12 1/2 weeks and finally feeling energized. Which is a nice change! I started walking last week so I can keep my weight gain in the 2nd trimester a little more steady compared to my 1st trimester, I gained 13 lbs! I know that is awful, although that is what I have done in my previous 2 pregnancies so it really didn't surprise me that much. I think I finally got a handle on it though! I go to the doctor next week and then starting at 16 weeks I will have an ultrasound everyother week until my 24th week to check my cervix and make sure everything is holding, and to help allieviete my anxieties. I am so thankful that both my doctors are so sensitive to my situation and so willing to help me feel better. Other then all the thoughts running through my head life here has been pretty quiet. Aiden is doing hockey again, flag football and boy scouts so we are staying busy with his activities and Seth is in the process of transitioning to his new job, but until he gets an office he's been working from home. I have to say I don't hate it! It's kinda nice having him around all the time and I absolutely love having him home on the weekends. Seeing Aiden and Seth playing together or eating breakfast together just makes me happy. This is not something I am used to seeing on a Saturday or Sunday morning, it is a welcomed change for our family. Aiden especially loves having his dad home with him on the weekends, he doesn't know any different since Aiden was 2 Seth has always had a weird schedule so Aiden still ask on Saturdays if dad is on days off today! So all in all I'm doing good, my family is doing good and that's all that matters, and I know that Amelia is watching over us and smiling. Next week we are all going to a balloon release being held in Bismarck by a group of amazing women, it is for Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day which is on Oct. 15th, but they are holding the release on the 11th because that is their regular meeting night. I am just so happy to be a part of a group of women that are also doing their part to bring awareness of infant and pregnancy loss while also honoring our angels. I am so proud to be a mommy of an angel baby and it's comforting to know so many other mommies that feel the same way as me! So remember to light a candle on the 15th at 7pm for 1 hour to honor babies gone to soon!

8 Months

Yes I realize that the 8 month mark has come and gone now and 9 months is starting to creep closer. It just amazes me how months just fly by, and with each passing month it's longer and longer since I have held Amelia. Life has been pretty crazy around our house this past month, we had our last weekends of camping and Aiden started the 2nd grade, which I can hardly believe! He also started playing hockey again so that is keeping him busy. Aiden's Wednesday church school started a couple weeks ago and this year I have decided to help out with it, so he is excited that I will be there with him. I am excited to help out with it, we have received so much from the church especially in those first few months after Amelia passed away and this is a way that I can give back a little. Another reason that this past month has been a little hectic is because we found out that we are expecting again. I found out the very end of July when I was only 3 weeks 4 days and I am 9 weeks 1 day now, although I feel like I am way more pregnant then that. I look farther along then 9 weeks and since we have known for so long I can already tell this pregnancy is going to take forever! I have also figured it probably feels like I have been pregnant so long because I spent 20 weeks being pregnant and then it just ended so abruptly. So far I feel good, just extremely tired I don't think I have been this tired in my entire life, but it's a good tired! It is very strange being pregnant again I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. I remember thinking to myself when we first started talking about starting to try again that when I became pregnant I wasn't going to let myself get excited or attached this time. I thought that in case something didn't go right, then I would get hurt. Well the second I found out that plan went right out the window, I downloaded 2 apps on my phone to track the babies progress and I am all ready so in love with this little baby. I just pray everyday and night that this time everything will end the way it's supposed to, with us getting to bring our healthy little baby home with us. Although this pregnancy hasn't been totally smooth, at 5 weeks I started to spot and cramp and had to go in and have my hcg levels checked, which came back ok and then I spent a Sunday afternoon in the ER because the cramping got worse, they did and ultrasound and could see everything looked ok, but they couldn't detect a heartbeat. I went back 3 days later and this time they were able to see a little fluttery heartbeat. Seth asked me on our way out "Well do you feel better now?" and I said "Yes but no, I won't feel better until the baby is here in our arms". The doctors think that I am having more cramping and spotting then usual because I had 3 surgeries on my cervix in a 6 month period and because of that I have scar tissue that could be causing the pain. I truely hope they are right, I cramp on a daily basis but it always goes away and never gets worse so I am just clinging onto what the doctors told me. I go in on Wednesday for my 10 week appointment and I am excited to get to see our little baby again and just pray that everything looks good. Then I will be going back every 2 weeks for an ultrasound to make sure my cerclage is holding and looks good, Dr. Haney says this is his way of calming my anxieties about this pregnancy. I am so happy that I have 2 amazing doctors working together to make this pregnancy a success. Just makes me sad that we had to lose Amelia for this to happen, I wish I had her and this new baby I don't think that is asking too much. Other then being constantly worried about this pregnancy, emotionally I have been in a really good place. I feel like this pregnancy happened when it was supposed to, what's crazy is I am due April 13 and I was due with Amelia May 6, but she would have been born in April. I just know that Amelia planned for that to happen, to make April a happy month for us like it should have been. I have had a few moments that I have just broken down crying and this has happened when I start thinking about Amelia's 1st birthday which is only 3 1/2 months away now. That is a hard one for me to think about, everytime I start to think about it or plan something I just cry. It's also hard because Ameila was born on Christmas Eve, a night that most families spend laughing and eating and enjoying themselves. I don't think I will be doing much of that this year. I have kind of decided that I want to stay home for Christmas Eve and have it just be Seth, Aiden and I, and we can just have a small celebration at home together for Amelia. I figure on Christmas Day we can go spend with the rest of the family. I know most people want all of their family around on this day, but most of these days don't fall on a holiday like Christmas. Plus I want to be able to have Amelia's pictures and things around me on her birthday and if we go out of town to our families we will have to leave most of her things and I just don't want that, not on her 1st birthday. Just thinking about it gets me teary eyed, I am just not ready for that one year mark it just seems like so long ago and I know that once one year comes then the years will just start flying by. At least I have a few more months to plan and prepare and hopefully by the time the day arrives I am ready. Well I will end this post here, I feel like I kind of rambled on about a bunch of stuff. I will try and be better about posting more frequently so everything doesn't get crammed into one post!

Finding Trust at 7 Months

So I realize the the 7 month mark has come and gone, but we have been busy lately with family things and I just haven't had time to sit down and type. Plus with the Olympics on now all my free time is consumed with watching the USA! It just so happens to be on right now as I type! First of all I have to say that I am in a much better place emotionally right now then what I was at 6 months. I am feelinging like I have a handle on this grieving thing right now! It hasn't been like this for a long time, but just the past 2 weeks or so and there is a reason for this. I have really hesitated to put this out there, but then I figure it is my blog and I can write whatever I need or want to! I would like to start by saying that I believe in heaven and I believe everything that I hear in church and I listen to every sermon that my pastors preach. I believe with my whole heart that Amelia is safe in heaven and is being taken care of. With that being said I have had in the back of my mind for a long time the question of "what if?" Most parents are able to go into their babies room and check to make sure their baby is ok or listen in on the baby monitor or hold them in their arms to know they are loved and being taken care of, I don't have that. I have to trust in what I am told not by what I can see. My trust has wavered these past 7 months, trust in myself, trust in my body, trust in doctors, even my trust in God. I know that God doesn't punish people or just randomly pick something bad to happen to people. I know that he loves me and there is a reason Amelia had to go to heaven so soon. But I was really struggling with trust, so I made a decision and I know it was a controversial decision but I felt I had to do it. I decided to speak with a psychic medium. I talked to a lady whos sister in law had spoken with this woman after her son passed away from cancer, so I began doing some research on her. She lives in Fargo and does over the phone readings, and in person readings. I talked to Seth about it and he was very hesitant about it, and wanted me to talk to our pastors about it first. I called the pastor that was at the hospital with us and asked him his opinion about it. He basically told me that there are good and evil spirits at work and you can never be sure which the medium is connecting to. He assured me that Amelia was with God and my loved ones, but he also realized my trust issues and understood. He said that if I chose to speak with her take her advise for what it is and try not to read into it. With that being said I decided to go through with it and trust that this woman was going to give me something to hang on to. I chose to speak with her over the phone because I wasn't sure the next time I would be in Fargo and I didn't want to drive there just for a 30 minute conversation. We started the conversation with her giving me a reading about me and my life and what she saw for my future. She said she saw piles of dirt under a rug, which means that I am trying to clean up messes. Makes sense my life has been a mess for the last how many months. For my future she said she saw bubbles and joy overflowing. This made me feel happy that I will feel that again someday. Finally she said the word trust kept flashing and she wasn't she why. This is when I really started to feel like I was doing the right thing. She told me that I need to trust myself and trust in the process in whatever I am doing in life. Finally we got to the main reason why I was doing this, Amelia. She said she sensed a small spirit around me and I knew that it was Amelia. I asked her if Amelia was angry at me for not being able to help her stay with us, and she said no that there was no anger that she is happy and peaceful. My final question was who she was with. I knew in my heart that she would be with one of my grandmas or Seth's grandma. She began to describe the personality of the person and I knew right away that it was either my Grandma Lois or Seth's Grandma Lu. They were very similiar. After me asking more question I was finally able to figure out that it was my Grandma Lois that was coming through. She passed away when I was very young only about 4, and I have very few memories of her. Fortunately I know a lot about her from stories my mom and aunts have told me. She also had a baby pass away, her baby was also a girl and she was born sleeping. This is something my grandma struggled with because she never got to hold her or have any closure, she was told to just forget about this baby and pretend it never happened, I can't even imagine. So I know that she knows what I am going through, and the questions and the anxiety of not knowing. So she was there to tell me that Amelia is with her. The lady said that while we were on the phone she got goosebumps when she heard my grandma say "Oh hunny don't worry she is being taken care of" At this point I was crying because it was such a powerful message. In my heart I knew my grandma would be there for Amelia because she knows what its like to lose a child, but to hear her words it is so comforting. This is when we ended our session, and I had to be done asking questions. There were so many things I wanted to ask my grandma, but I know that someday I will be able to ask her myself. When I hung up I felt so different, this reading didn't feel wrong or evil, it felt right and comforting. I have prayed multiple times since this and I have promised to not do another reading I don't want to become dependant upon this. This reading was a one time thing and I am happy with what I got out of it. I thank God for allowing me hear my grandma's words and the relief that it has brought me to know that my precious Amelia is in her arms. There are so many people that probably won't understand my reasoning or question whether what I was told was real or made up. My response is that until you have lost a child you have no idea how desparate you will become to find some answers and some comfort in your agony. This was my comfort and it felt real, there is no way she could have known most of the things that she said to me and she was very sincere so I trusted that she had my best interest at heart. So this is the reason why I am in good place, I feel Amelia with me, as I did before, but now it makes me feel happy instead of sad. I know she is happy and being taken care of and I know that she knows how much I love her and miss her and I also know that she is not angry with me, which was a huge fear of mine for a long time. I am also very optomistic about my future because I know that Amelia is going to help bring me that joy and she will be a part of it. I have finally found my trust!

Happy 4th in Heaven

Happy 4th of July in heaven Amelia! I thought about you all day wondering if you were here what we would be doing. Would you have slept through the fireworks? or would you have been like your big brother was and like them!

We went to the air show and everywere I looked were pregnant women, it is so frustrating. I realize that I would no longer be pregnant at this point, but it is so hard to see big bellies. I try not to notice them, but I also find myself looking at every women's stomach when she walks by me. I think now it is because I want so badly to be pregnant again and now I am just scared that I won't be able to get pregnant for some reason, so I am jealous of everyone else that is. Sometimes I swear I am going crazy. After the air show we came home and Aiden and Seth did some fireworks and we sent a memorial lantern to heaven for Amelia. I was excited to do it, but the second I let go of the lantern the tears started flowing like a waterfall. I had this whole vision of taking a close up picture of the lantern and then watching it float to heaven, but I just couldn't do it. This wasn't what we were supposed to be doing on the Fourth of July. I wanted to do something special for Amelia for her 1st Fourth of July, and I just hope she liked it! Here is the one picture that Seth took of the lantern before it got to far away!

Dear Amelia

Dear Amelia,
Happy 6 Month Birthday in heaven baby girl! I wish so badly that you were here to celebrate with us, but I am sure you had a beautiful celebration with all the angels. I miss you so much every single second of every single day. There is never a moment that goes by that I don't think of you. I often daydream about you and wonder what your hair would have been like, brown and curly like mine or blonde like Daddy's. If you would have hazel eyes, if you would have had your Daddy and big brothers's crazy sense of humor. Or would you be stubborn and dramatic like me! I am often reminded of you through songs I hear, butterflies, rainbows and most recently thunder. Aiden and I like to think when it thunders it is you learning how to crawl. These things make me feel better and I like to think you are sending them to me to cheer me up. I have shared your story with many peopleand everyone that hears about you and sees your picture think you are so beautiful and so strong. We are helping people by sharing your story and I am so proud of you for that Even though you are not here physically you are still making a difference. Because of you I have met some amazing Mommies who's babies also went to heaven, you probably play with them. I know that you helped me find them so I wouldn't feel so alone in my grief. I hope you know how much you were wanted and how much you are loved. I feel so blessed that I got to spend 20 weeks and 6 days with you they were absolutely incredible, and that I am your Mommy you were and will forever be a true blessing. Even though you have been in heaven longer then you were here on earth my love for you hasn't changed. You will forever be my sweet baby girl. I promise to keep talking about you, saying your name and sharing your story. I promise to keep your memory alive, I promise. I love you!

I love you Amelia, to the moon and back,  Mommy