Surgery

It was even a double rainbow!

The rainbow on the way home, it was so big Seth couldn't get the
whole thing in the pic!

Finally Wednesday May 30th had arrived. Almost 4 months after I scheduled the surgery the day was here. We got to the hospital about an hour early, Seth was worried about traffic, and of course we drove right there without any problems! I finally got called back to the pre op area about 10 am, and the nerves really set in, plus Seth couldn't come with me so I didn't like that either. Pre op was pretty standard, except this time when asked about my surgery history I had a lot more of a history then ever before. After telling the nurses and med students my history and seeing the saddness in their eyes I started crying. I had to apoligize and of course they understood. It is women like me that they deal with everyday, except most of the women that get this surgery have lost multiple babies, not one. At one point I was telling one of Dr. Haney's med students about Amelia, while getting my IV in and I started crying and I usually don't cry anymore so I am not sure if it was the pain from the IV or just the emotions of the day coming out! Finally Seth was able to come in and Dr. Haney came in, and we met him for the first time, and he was great, I felt complete trust in him! He explain the surgery and the recovery and then Seth headed to the waiting room and I walked myself into the operating room. I had never done that before so that was new, but oh well! I remember getting the oxygen mask put on and being told I was going to be given something to relax me, well that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in recover and feeling like I had been cut in half. It is amazing how you forget how much something hurts after a period of time. I mean I had a c-section with Aiden and I remember thinking this is not so bad, well I must be a big weiny these days because holy crap it hurt! Once the drugs kicked in though, it was all good! I have a very spotty memory of the rest of Wednesday, I know I talked to my mom a couple times, but I only remember a little bit of our second conversation. The next morning I tried eating and that did not go well, I just stuck to crackers and water! Dr. Haney came in about 11:30 to check on me and gave us the go ahead to leave. Seemed weird that in less then 24 hours you have major abdominal surgery and then you go home, but I was ready to leave. Of course we left the hospital and the whole trip we never encountered a second of traffic, well we got our taste of it on our way back to Elgin to get to our hotel. A 40 minute trip turned into 2 1/2 hours, I was miserable. I wanted to cry, but I knew that wasn't going to help and Seth felt awful already so I just sucked it up. We made it to our hotel and my meds were all messed up, I was behind and I was in some serious pain. Seth was incredible and took such good care of me, I am so grateful that he was there! The next day it was game on, Bismarck was our destination, another 13 hours in the car. I felt good right away and then I was hit by pain and the urge to throw up, luckily I fell asleep shortly after that and slept through the traffic AGAIN! After I woke up we were half way through Wisconsin! The rest of the trip was pretty good, just long. What was awesome was when we were about 20 minutes outside of Bismarck I looked in my mirror and I could see a rainbow. I had Seth stop and take pictures for me since I couldn't turn around or get out of the car very easily. It was the first rainbow I have seen since Amelia passed away. I thought it perfect timing to see that. With everything we have been through, we are finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. We know now that we will get our rainbow baby someday and we will get to keep him or her. Some people may think I am crazy but I really feel like Amelia made sure I would see a rainbow to let me know I made the right decision and that she is still with us. We got to Seth's parents house about 9 pm and I went straight to bed. While laying in bed and thinking about how bad my stomach hurt, I came to a realization. My stomach hurts so I take a pain killer and the pain goes away, my heart has been aching for 5 months and there is no pain killer for that. If I can tolerate the ache in my heart I can tolerate my stomach. This surgery and the pain that goes along with it are so worth it, and I would do it again tomorrow! So anyway, the next morning, Saturday we got up and headed to Hazen to pick up Aiden and Bronx from my parents, they picked him up on Wednesday from Seth's parents house. They had to share him! The weather was great so we hung out at the lake for the day and I relaxed in a chair and Seth, Aiden and my Dad went on a boat ride while my mom and aunt and I stayed at the camper. I didn't think a bumpy boat ride would feel very good! We got home later then we expected, but we made it! The bad part was as soon as we got home Seth turned into a crazy man, because he had to get all the laundry done, lawn mowed, groceries bought, and everything put away because he had to fly to Houston today, well actually at 5:30 am! He will be gone for 20 days in Houston for work and it totally sucks with him being gone, but I will manage. It will be worth it in the end, because this is a really great opportunity for him! Aiden was put in charge of the house while Seth is away so he is taking good care of me! So now it's just me and my Aiden and of course Bronx too, who I think is broken, he has only been up 2 times all day! The lake takes it right out of him! These next 20 days will be long, but hopefully will go fast! So as I sit here thinking about this past week, I feel different then I did a week ago. I feel hopeful about the future, because I know there are good things to come for us. I don't know what they are, but I do know it's good! This is all thanks to Amelia, because without her keeping me strong I would have given up. I wish more then anything that I could have had this surgery before so she didn't have to die, and that hurts but she is making sure I don't have to lose another baby again. I feel like having this surgery has closed this chapter, I will obviously never forget this past one and I don't want to. I just feel that I owe it to Amelia to move forward in the most positive way I can and make her proud of me. I refuse to give up on my future, even though it is not the future I imagined. Amelia will forever be a part of our family and will forever be our 2nd child, our baby girl, so she will be in all future chapters of my life and I can finally say that I am excited about these next chapters, finally!

Chicago

As most of you know the past 5 months have been a roller coaster of emotions waiting for the 26th of May, the day we would leave for Chicago. There have been moments of excitement, frustration, saddness, hopelessness, and again excitement. So Friday the 25th Seth, Aiden and I left for an overnighter in Bismarck before we left Aiden behind with Seth's parents and we left for a 14 hour drive to Chicago for a life changing surgery. I had figured out that in the 13 years that Seth and I have been together we had never been on a vacation or alone for longer then a weekend. I got a little nervous, because I was like crap what if we drive eachother nuts on this trip! We have gone on vacations but it was always with other people or we had Aiden with us! Plus, I am not built for the rode I am a person that needs to stop and make frequent bathroom breaks, dang coffee! Not on this trip, I was a rode warrior, if I do say so myself! In the about 13 hours we drove on Saturday we only stopped 2 times, Seth was pretty impressed with this! The drive was fun, no matter what the circumstances we always manage to have fun and laugh! We made it to Elgin, IL on Saturday night which is a suberb outside of Chicago and we stayed there at a hotel. The next morning we drove into Chicago and thankfully it was a smooth ride in! We drove Seth's big Raptor (a bigger then usual pick up) so that was interesting driving down Michigan Ave. surrounded by Prius's and Honda Accords in this massive pick up that could squash anyone of those cars! We made it to our hotel without running anyone or anything over, thank you GPS! Our hotel was really nice, highly recommend the Omni Chicago, they had valet parking so we just grabbed our stuff and said good bye to the Raptor for a couple days!

Having a drink along the river!

Extreme SeaDog Ride!

Cubs game!

At the top of the Ferris Wheel, and my new hat!

We didn't waste anytime when we got there, we dropped our stuff in our room and we were gone. First on the agenda, FOOD! So we went to Giodano's Pizza for the Chicago staple deep dish pizza! It was awesome and the wine and beer didn't suck either! After that we went to the John Hancock Observatory, shopped on Michigan Avenue, took a walk on the Riverwalk, ended up at a cute bar along the river that had amazing wine, took an architectual boat tour on the river, and we ate our very first $44 steaks! Yep that was just the steak, no sides included! They were amazing though, so worth it! We also experienced the best banana cream pie we have ever eaten, the waiter said it would be life changing, I am not sure if it did that, but I will for sure be making my future pies differently! That pretty much wrapped up day 1, which after all that I was exhausted and unsure if I would make it another day in the big city! Day 2 was much more relaxing, we went to Wrigley Field and watched a Cubs game. We are not Cubs fans, but felt that we needed to see Wrigley Field. It was awesome and we had pretty good seats too! Thankfully they were in the shade since the temp hit about 95 degrees that day too. That night we drove out to see some family that lives in a suberb, we had dinner and drank wine with them and then again headed back into the city. When we got back to the hotel we decided we needed to check out the hotel bar and had some drinks there, the bar overlooked Michigan Ave. so we got to do some people watching too, always fun! Day 3, our last day of fun in Chicago, again did not disappoint! We went to Navy Pier, and the first thing we do when we get there is take an Extreme Seadog boat ride. As we are buying tickets it says due to the wind you will get wet on the ride. I am like oh yeah a little spray no biggy! Crap we got soaked! I had of course straightened my hair and for anyone that knows my hair, the second water hits it when its straight it instantly goes curly. So I started the day with cute hair and one 30 minute boat ride on Lake Michigan that went out the window! It was a lot of fun and would totally do it again, but maybe just later in the day! Needless to say after that I was on a mission to find a hat! Luckily I found a cute one that wasn't insanely expensive and I felt much better! We did the Ferris Wheel and walked the Pier, and then we were off to the Willis Tower. We got there and went right up and before I knew it I was standing on a plexi glass ledge the sticks out of the tower some 100 stories above the city. I kinda wanted to pee, it was high! After that I was ready to be on the ground so we went to the Shedd Aquarium and saw some Buluga Whales! We ended the night with a great Italian meal, that included a pasta with mussels, clams, calamari, shrimp, and sea bass. I was a little nervous, but I thought why not it's my last meal for a couple days lets go big! It was very good, not sure if it's something I would order again, but I can at least say I have tried it! After that it was off to the hotel to pack and shower up, tomorrow was the big day!! It wasn't until that point that I finally started to feel nervous. I couldn't believe that the day was finally almost here. Something that seemed so far away had now arrived, just felt crazy! Luckily I was able to sleep that night!

5 Months

So I haven't blogged in a very long time, or at least if feels that way. The 5 month milestone didn't seem as hard this past month as other months, and I imagine that is because I was busy getting ready to leave for Chicago.  Pretty sure I spent the day doing laundry and packing! Not that I didn't remember to stop to think about the day Amelia was born, but that is an everyday thing, not just on a milestone day. It just seems like everytime I look at the calendar the 24th of the month is right around the corner, I mean in 21 days it will be 6 months which just feels crazy to me. I feel like I have a lot to say, because a lot has happened in the past 1 or so, but I am going to break it down into a couple post so this one doesn't get so long and boring! Well honestly that is about all I have about the 5 month milestone, I mean I could go on and on about how much I miss Amelia, but that goes without being said. I will end it here and get on to the other exciting and also kinda scary stuff that Amelia helped me get through this past week!

God Gave Me You

First Dance!

This is one of my favorites, so us!

Today is mine and Seth's 2nd year anniversary. It seems like yesterday that I walked down the aisle and married my best friend. We began dating when I was 15 and a freshman in high school. Seems unbelievable that 13 years later we are still just as in love, actually more so then we were back then. Our life together has not been a perfectly smooth ride, and when our future looked unsure somehow we always came back together. After we got married I thought to myself that all the bad things that would happen to us had already happened and now our life would be "perfect". Our life was perfect, up to Dec. 22, 2011. Up until that day I thought nothing would ever shake us. Thankfully losing Amelia didn't shake us, but brought us closer together. I have spent countless hours worrying about Seth blaming me and being mad at me for not knowing what was going on with my body. He has never even hinted at the idea and has been so incredibley supportive of me and so understanding when I feel sad and just need to cry. I honestly thought I couldn't possibley love him any more then I did, but this whole experience has made me fall in love with him in a completely different way. There is absolutely no way I would have been able to make it through these past 4 1/2 months without Seth and the love that he has shown me. I recently heard the song "God Gave Me You" and I felt like it was the perfect title for this blog, because I know there is a reason why Seth and I ended up together. So YAY us for making it to the "big" 2 year mark! I am so in love with Seth and I look forward to the many years ahead, because I know that with him by my side I can do anything and make it through anything. Happy Anniversary Hunny, I Love You!!!

Answered Prayers

This is going to be the first post that I have written in the past 4 months that is happy! I went out for a run this morning and all I could think about was how annoyed I am that I still haven't heard anything from my insurance company. So for almost 6 miles I thought about this, and got more and more annoyed. When I got home I called Seth, first of all to tell him how far I ran, I was pretty happy with myself, and also to tell him how frustrated I was. He suggested that I call the insurance company and find out what the statis was on my appeal. I called and of course was put on hold for what seemed like forever, and then the words that I had lost hope for, "Your surgery has been approved"!! I was instantly in shock and disbelief and asked the lady "are you sure?"  And then when she said yes I said "Your serious?" And again she said "Yes". Then I told her thank you and that now I was going to start crying. I couldn't keep the tears back, I was just so happy. I still can't believe that I am actually going to get my surgery, 1 week ago I had kind of just lost hope that they would approve it. I guess it is easier for me to not get my hopes up then have them up and then be completely disappointed when they say no. When I got off the phone with the insurance company I instantly called Seth and told him and he was just as excited and happy and then I called my Mom who was also very excited. I finally feel that something good is happening for Seth and I. I feel like the last 4 months have been one step forward 20 back and now we are finally beginning to move forward and this time we have some momentum. I also feel that all the praying I did and that other people did for us, those prayers were answered. I know that God and Amelia had a hand in this, because according to my doctor appeals don't typically get approved. Our little angel was watching over us and getting us through this. It is hard to put into words what this surgery means to me, but if I had to I would say it gives me hope. Hope that my future and the future for my family is brighter then it was yesterday. I wasn't sure if another baby was in my future, and now I know that someday when the time is right I will get my rainbow baby, and that baby boy or girl will have a little piece of Amelia in him or her. I have been given another chance at becoming a mommy to a baby that I will get to hold in my arms and bring home. I know Amelia has a plan for her family and this is just the first step to a very bright future that she is going to help create. I just wish I could give her a big giant hug and kiss to thank her for everything she is doing, but I know that she knows how thankful I am for her and just how much I love her!

Mother's Day

Aiden and Mommy

Yesterday was a different Mother's Day for me. I really wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it, would I be fine, sad, happy, depressed, I just didn't know. We had gone out for dinner on Saturday night after church and it was nice, we went to the Olive Garden, I love their breadsticks and salad! So on Sunday Seth and Aiden let me sleep in and when I got up Aiden had set up a scavenger hunt around the house. He had drew me a bunch of different pictures so I had to walk around and find them all, it was super sweet and he was so proud! Then Aiden made me some coffee, he loves doing this! We sat and watched so TV and Seth left for work, yes he worked yesterday so it was just me and Aiden! Then I started to get some text messages from friends wishing me a happy mothers day and saying that they were thinking of me and then I started getting sad. Not just because of the text messages, but because I should be sitting here with my 2 babies, not just Aiden. Then I started crying so I went into my bedroom and talked to Amelia something that has become a regular thing for me these days. I was able to get myself together and make a plan for the day, because if I just sat around I would be a mess all day. I decided that Aiden and I would go to Lowe's and pick out some flowers to plant in the front to the house. So I got in the shower, maybe that was a bad idea or something but all that did was make me cry. I just started thinking about how bad of a mom I am. How maybe I didn't even deserve to do anything on Mother's Day because seriously, I am a bad mom. Not only did my body completely reject Amelia, but I couldn't protect her, I couldn't stop what was happening, I was completely helpless. I should have protected her from what was happening, I should have been able to save her, but I couldn't. That sure doesn't sound like a good mom to me. So as all of this is running through my head, I suddenly had this feeling of calm and love and I know it was Amelia. I know that she knows I would have done anything I could have done to save her, I ask her all the time not to blame me so I think this was her way of telling me she doesn't blame me. Whenever I am in a situation that I know is going to be hard or is hard I always ask her to give me the strength to get through it without crying and I think this was her giving me strength. So after that I got myself ready and Aiden and I headed out to buy flowers! He was so funny, he loves picking out flowers so I bought way more then I planned, but I just couldn't say no to him! Once we got home and had some lunch we started planting. It was pretty breezy out so it made for an interesting time, but we got them all done! Seth got home pretty early and we hung out for a awhile and then him and I got supper ready and after supper Aiden and I went to Dairy Queen and got some ice cream! Seth stayed home and did homework, since he procrastinated all week and had to do all his assignments before midnight....men! The rest of my night was spent relaxing on the couch with the dog and feeling sad, but ok. I know Amelia was with me all day, she even sent a butterfly while I was outside that kept leaving and coming back. So my first Mother's Day without Amelia was hard but she was able to get me through it, I know this is the first of many hard holidays to come, but now I know I can get through them I just might need a little help from my angel! Here are some pictures from yesterday!

My 2 Loves <3



The butterfly that kept coming for a visit



The beautiful roses from my boys!

Received this from my friend Catherine, so sweet!

Insurance Drama

Way back in February when I decided that I was going to have TAC surgery I got all my medical records and the paperwork sent to my insurance for them to pre authorize me to have the surgery. Well about 1 week later we got a letter from them saying that they would cover the surgery, but only if I was 10 weeks pregnant. That is not what we wanted and not what my doctor wanted so I called my insurance company. I was then told that only part of my medical records were not reviewed, so the nice lady said she would resubmit everything to see if that would change the outcome and they would say yes to covering my surgery. Well we waited and waited and waited and finally about 8 weeks later I called to check on the status of their decision. This time I was told that my records were never resubmitted and that the decision still stands they will cover my surgery if I am 10 weeks pregnant. Seriously, we wasted 8 weeks waiting for something that was never going to come in the mail. I called my doctor right away and I was told to send him and email and that we would appeal the decision and it was not a big deal. Ok so I sent my doctor an email that day and then I waited. This was on a Thursday and I didn't want to be annoying so I waited for another week to call back and see if he sent it. I was told that someone would call me back after they talked to the doctor because usually he will send an email back to you when he gets everything sent out. Well again I waited, and no one called so I called back on Monday and was told the same thing, someone will call you back blah blah blah. No one called me. So on Wednesday I called back AGAIN, and this time I didn't even tell the lady my name I just told her why I was calling and she said "is this Natasha?" I was near tears because I have no idea what is happening my surgery is in a month and I still don't know what is going to happen, so frustrating. She assured me that she would talk to the doctor and get on him to send the letter, and she apoligized and said that they have been really busy and my email got lost in the shuffle, of course it would! On Thursday night I finally got an email from my doctor with the attached letter he sent my insurance company along with a note from him saying that unfortunately he doesn't have very good luck with insurance companies approving appeals, most have a standard no policy. So of course I cried again, I just can't believe that this would happen like this. Haven't I been through enough? Apparently not because if I have lost 3 or 4 babies they would approve it with no problem. That is not even an option for me, I will not survive another loss, I can't do it. I don't know how women do it that have lost multiple babies, I honestly don't know. So now I just sit here waiting for a bunch of doctors that now nothing about my condition and my situation decide whether I get to have my surgery or not, it just seems so unfair. I was approved to have the surgery when I am 10 weeks pregnant but there are a lot of risk that go along with that. My doctor has never actually had a woman lose a pregnancy after a surgery, but witht the way my life has gone in the last 4 months I feel that I will be the one that something bad will happen to. It feels like a frickin nightmare that I am living, just when things seem to get better BOOM it all blows up in my face. I keep praying that everything will work out the way it is supposed to but I really feel like I am starting to lose hope, and I know that is not a good thing. There has to be another baby in my future but I am not willing to take any risk, I don't know what is worse, deciding to just not have another baby or take the risk and get pregnant and have the surgery at 10 weeks. I don't know what scares me more.....