Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Go Ahead!

Today I had my post op appointment with my OB GYN Dr. Billings. Before I left Chicago Dr. Haney told me to make an appointment with Dr. Billings 2-3 weeks post surgery to make sure everything was healing properly. Well today was the day and everything looked good! Dr. Billings was so nice and so sincere and I just felt so comfortable with him. He answered all my questions that I had, which was quite a few. Most of my questions had to do with getting pregnant and what I should be doing or not doing before I get pregnant, I want to cover all my bases. All I had to do was get a Tdap vaccine (I think that is what it was) and all I know is that my arm is really sore! So as of now I am free to start trying to conceive! Well not now, Seth doesn't get home until Saturday! We still have to talk and make sure we are both ready to start this new journey, but at least I have been given a clean bill of health and have been told that I am doing everything right. Now I just have to try and not let my anxiety get the best of me, try and enjoy the rest of the summer and also look forward to mine and Seth's trip to Hawaii in Sept. Actually before I do any of that I will be looking forward to my hunny coming home!! Only 4 more days and he is home, I can't wait it's so strange without him!

All Better

It is so weird how much my feelings change these days, I am a rollercoaster for sure! A week after my surgery I was feeling so positive and upbeat about the future. Last week Monday hit me and I was 12 days post surgery and suddenly I felt like my world was crashing around me.....again. I think it was a combination of Seth not being home and it just feeling weird here without him home. I think the other reason is that I had this idea in my head that once I had my TAC surgery everything would be better. It was for a little while, but in reality it wasn't. I spent last week Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday crying off and on all day. It was music, TV, movies, the mall, the movie theater, everytime I turned around there was pregnant women, babies, and things that reminded me that I am NOT a new mommy to a baby here on earth. I was not in a good place emotionally. I thought about calling my councelor so I had someone to talk to, but I decided not to. I really wanted to talk to Seth, but I really didn't want to dump anything more onto his plate since he is very stressed out with his training in Houston. Instead I just dealt with it on my own, and tried really hard to get to a better place. Luckily I was able to pull myself together and keep moving forward. Now I am about 3 weeks post surgery and I am feeling better then last week, thankfully! Thinking about these last 3 weeks I think I had a false sense of what this surgery was going to bring me. Yes it is giving me the security that I will not lose another baby due to IC, but it is not taking away the pain of losing Amelia. I was feeling guilty about feeling excited about the future and the potential of a new baby. I know Amelia wants me to be happy, but sometimes it just feels so wrong to even entertain the idea of having another baby. I think I have been anticipating this surgery for so many months that I was expecting it to fill that void in my heart, and it didn't. When I started realizing that the void is still there and its not going away it was hard. I now that no one or nothing will ever take Amelia's place, but I want so desparately to be ok with what happened, but I know that will likely never happen. I guess this is just another stage in grieving, thinking that your all better and then realizing you really aren't. I am ok with not being all better, I don't think I am ready to be better. I am still grieving my daughter and I will for the rest of my life. I know now that nothing is going to "fix" me and make me better, but I now I have to keep moving forward and living my life because that is what Amelia would want me to do. I also have to keep looking to the future because that is what is going to make everything that I have gone through over the past 6 months worth it. I know that someday I will have a baby in my arms that never would have been if Amelia had lived and that baby will have a little piece of Amelia in him or her. That is what I need to focus on and move toward.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Surgery

It was even a double rainbow!


The rainbow on the way home, it was so big Seth couldn't get the
whole thing in the pic!









Finally Wednesday May 30th had arrived. Almost 4 months after I scheduled the surgery the day was here. We got to the hospital about an hour early, Seth was worried about traffic, and of course we drove right there without any problems! I finally got called back to the pre op area about 10 am, and the nerves really set in, plus Seth couldn't come with me so I didn't like that either. Pre op was pretty standard, except this time when asked about my surgery history I had a lot more of a history then ever before. After telling the nurses and med students my history and seeing the saddness in their eyes I started crying. I had to apoligize and of course they understood. It is women like me that they deal with everyday, except most of the women that get this surgery have lost multiple babies, not one. At one point I was telling one of Dr. Haney's med students about Amelia, while getting my IV in and I started crying and I usually don't cry anymore so I am not sure if it was the pain from the IV or just the emotions of the day coming out! Finally Seth was able to come in and Dr. Haney came in, and we met him for the first time, and he was great, I felt complete trust in him! He explain the surgery and the recovery and then Seth headed to the waiting room and I walked myself into the operating room. I had never done that before so that was new, but oh well! I remember getting the oxygen mask put on and being told I was going to be given something to relax me, well that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in recover and feeling like I had been cut in half. It is amazing how you forget how much something hurts after a period of time. I mean I had a c-section with Aiden and I remember thinking this is not so bad, well I must be a big weiny these days because holy crap it hurt! Once the drugs kicked in though, it was all good! I have a very spotty memory of the rest of Wednesday, I know I talked to my mom a couple times, but I only remember a little bit of our second conversation. The next morning I tried eating and that did not go well, I just stuck to crackers and water! Dr. Haney came in about 11:30 to check on me and gave us the go ahead to leave. Seemed weird that in less then 24 hours you have major abdominal surgery and then you go home, but I was ready to leave. Of course we left the hospital and the whole trip we never encountered a second of traffic, well we got our taste of it on our way back to Elgin to get to our hotel. A 40 minute trip turned into 2 1/2 hours, I was miserable. I wanted to cry, but I knew that wasn't going to help and Seth felt awful already so I just sucked it up. We made it to our hotel and my meds were all messed up, I was behind and I was in some serious pain. Seth was incredible and took such good care of me, I am so grateful that he was there! The next day it was game on, Bismarck was our destination, another 13 hours in the car. I felt good right away and then I was hit by pain and the urge to throw up, luckily I fell asleep shortly after that and slept through the traffic AGAIN! After I woke up we were half way through Wisconsin! The rest of the trip was pretty good, just long. What was awesome was when we were about 20 minutes outside of Bismarck I looked in my mirror and I could see a rainbow. I had Seth stop and take pictures for me since I couldn't turn around or get out of the car very easily. It was the first rainbow I have seen since Amelia passed away. I thought it perfect timing to see that. With everything we have been through, we are finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. We know now that we will get our rainbow baby someday and we will get to keep him or her. Some people may think I am crazy but I really feel like Amelia made sure I would see a rainbow to let me know I made the right decision and that she is still with us. We got to Seth's parents house about 9 pm and I went straight to bed. While laying in bed and thinking about how bad my stomach hurt, I came to a realization. My stomach hurts so I take a pain killer and the pain goes away, my heart has been aching for 5 months and there is no pain killer for that. If I can tolerate the ache in my heart I can tolerate my stomach. This surgery and the pain that goes along with it are so worth it, and I would do it again tomorrow! So anyway, the next morning, Saturday we got up and headed to Hazen to pick up Aiden and Bronx from my parents, they picked him up on Wednesday from Seth's parents house. They had to share him! The weather was great so we hung out at the lake for the day and I relaxed in a chair and Seth, Aiden and my Dad went on a boat ride while my mom and aunt and I stayed at the camper. I didn't think a bumpy boat ride would feel very good! We got home later then we expected, but we made it! The bad part was as soon as we got home Seth turned into a crazy man, because he had to get all the laundry done, lawn mowed, groceries bought, and everything put away because he had to fly to Houston today, well actually at 5:30 am! He will be gone for 20 days in Houston for work and it totally sucks with him being gone, but I will manage. It will be worth it in the end, because this is a really great opportunity for him! Aiden was put in charge of the house while Seth is away so he is taking good care of me! So now it's just me and my Aiden and of course Bronx too, who I think is broken, he has only been up 2 times all day! The lake takes it right out of him! These next 20 days will be long, but hopefully will go fast! So as I sit here thinking about this past week, I feel different then I did a week ago. I feel hopeful about the future, because I know there are good things to come for us. I don't know what they are, but I do know it's good! This is all thanks to Amelia, because without her keeping me strong I would have given up. I wish more then anything that I could have had this surgery before so she didn't have to die, and that hurts but she is making sure I don't have to lose another baby again. I feel like having this surgery has closed this chapter, I will obviously never forget this past one and I don't want to. I just feel that I owe it to Amelia to move forward in the most positive way I can and make her proud of me. I refuse to give up on my future, even though it is not the future I imagined. Amelia will forever be a part of our family and will forever be our 2nd child, our baby girl, so she will be in all future chapters of my life and I can finally say that I am excited about these next chapters, finally!

Chicago

As most of you know the past 5 months have been a roller coaster of emotions waiting for the 26th of May, the day we would leave for Chicago. There have been moments of excitement, frustration, saddness, hopelessness, and again excitement. So Friday the 25th Seth, Aiden and I left for an overnighter in Bismarck before we left Aiden behind with Seth's parents and we left for a 14 hour drive to Chicago for a life changing surgery. I had figured out that in the 13 years that Seth and I have been together we had never been on a vacation or alone for longer then a weekend. I got a little nervous, because I was like crap what if we drive eachother nuts on this trip! We have gone on vacations but it was always with other people or we had Aiden with us! Plus, I am not built for the rode I am a person that needs to stop and make frequent bathroom breaks, dang coffee! Not on this trip, I was a rode warrior, if I do say so myself! In the about 13 hours we drove on Saturday we only stopped 2 times, Seth was pretty impressed with this! The drive was fun, no matter what the circumstances we always manage to have fun and laugh! We made it to Elgin, IL on Saturday night which is a suberb outside of Chicago and we stayed there at a hotel. The next morning we drove into Chicago and thankfully it was a smooth ride in! We drove Seth's big Raptor (a bigger then usual pick up) so that was interesting driving down Michigan Ave. surrounded by Prius's and Honda Accords in this massive pick up that could squash anyone of those cars! We made it to our hotel without running anyone or anything over, thank you GPS! Our hotel was really nice, highly recommend the Omni Chicago, they had valet parking so we just grabbed our stuff and said good bye to the Raptor for a couple days!
Having a drink along the river!

Extreme SeaDog Ride!
Cubs game!
At the top of the Ferris Wheel, and my new hat!




















We didn't waste anytime when we got there, we dropped our stuff in our room and we were gone. First on the agenda, FOOD! So we went to Giodano's Pizza for the Chicago staple deep dish pizza! It was awesome and the wine and beer didn't suck either! After that we went to the John Hancock Observatory, shopped on Michigan Avenue, took a walk on the Riverwalk, ended up at a cute bar along the river that had amazing wine, took an architectual boat tour on the river, and we ate our very first $44 steaks! Yep that was just the steak, no sides included! They were amazing though, so worth it! We also experienced the best banana cream pie we have ever eaten, the waiter said it would be life changing, I am not sure if it did that, but I will for sure be making my future pies differently! That pretty much wrapped up day 1, which after all that I was exhausted and unsure if I would make it another day in the big city! Day 2 was much more relaxing, we went to Wrigley Field and watched a Cubs game. We are not Cubs fans, but felt that we needed to see Wrigley Field. It was awesome and we had pretty good seats too! Thankfully they were in the shade since the temp hit about 95 degrees that day too. That night we drove out to see some family that lives in a suberb, we had dinner and drank wine with them and then again headed back into the city. When we got back to the hotel we decided we needed to check out the hotel bar and had some drinks there, the bar overlooked Michigan Ave. so we got to do some people watching too, always fun! Day 3, our last day of fun in Chicago, again did not disappoint! We went to Navy Pier, and the first thing we do when we get there is take an Extreme Seadog boat ride. As we are buying tickets it says due to the wind you will get wet on the ride. I am like oh yeah a little spray no biggy! Crap we got soaked! I had of course straightened my hair and for anyone that knows my hair, the second water hits it when its straight it instantly goes curly. So I started the day with cute hair and one 30 minute boat ride on Lake Michigan that went out the window! It was a lot of fun and would totally do it again, but maybe just later in the day! Needless to say after that I was on a mission to find a hat! Luckily I found a cute one that wasn't insanely expensive and I felt much better! We did the Ferris Wheel and walked the Pier, and then we were off to the Willis Tower. We got there and went right up and before I knew it I was standing on a plexi glass ledge the sticks out of the tower some 100 stories above the city. I kinda wanted to pee, it was high! After that I was ready to be on the ground so we went to the Shedd Aquarium and saw some Buluga Whales! We ended the night with a great Italian meal, that included a pasta with mussels, clams, calamari, shrimp, and sea bass. I was a little nervous, but I thought why not it's my last meal for a couple days lets go big! It was very good, not sure if it's something I would order again, but I can at least say I have tried it! After that it was off to the hotel to pack and shower up, tomorrow was the big day!! It wasn't until that point that I finally started to feel nervous. I couldn't believe that the day was finally almost here. Something that seemed so far away had now arrived, just felt crazy! Luckily I was able to sleep that night!

5 Months

So I haven't blogged in a very long time, or at least if feels that way. The 5 month milestone didn't seem as hard this past month as other months, and I imagine that is because I was busy getting ready to leave for Chicago.  Pretty sure I spent the day doing laundry and packing! Not that I didn't remember to stop to think about the day Amelia was born, but that is an everyday thing, not just on a milestone day. It just seems like everytime I look at the calendar the 24th of the month is right around the corner, I mean in 21 days it will be 6 months which just feels crazy to me. I feel like I have a lot to say, because a lot has happened in the past 1 or so, but I am going to break it down into a couple post so this one doesn't get so long and boring! Well honestly that is about all I have about the 5 month milestone, I mean I could go on and on about how much I miss Amelia, but that goes without being said. I will end it here and get on to the other exciting and also kinda scary stuff that Amelia helped me get through this past week!