I Remember

With Amelia's 1st birthday rapidly approaching, only 4 days, I have been thinking a lot about our 3 days in the hospital and the moment she came into this world. I keep reliving the days leading up to Dec. 22nd and wondering if there was something I did or didn't do. Oh how I wish I would have paid more attention to my body and less attention on preparing for Christmas. I still struggle somedays with the guilt and knowing that had I insisted on being seen sooner that there is a good chance Amelia would have survived. It's awful to think about, but it's true. I think about the tone in my doctors voice when he checked me and said "oh that's not good". How my heart stopped and then he started saying a bunch of words I didn't understand and how I was being sent to a doctor I had never met and he would do the surgery because he was leaving and good luck. I vaguely remember the drive to the hospital and going up to the labor and delivery floor. It was a swirl wind of nurses and people asking questions and then waiting, waiting for this doctor to finish delivering a baby next door so he could go and try and save mine. By the time the surgery started I was shaking so bad and I couldn't stop, I felt like I was having a seizure of something it was awful. I remember the nurse asking me questions and then us talking about her daughter and Aiden, they went to preschool together. I don't remember going to recovery, I just remember being in my room. I remember feeling like I really needed to blow my nose but I didn't want to because I was scared to. Seth went home for awhile and picked up Aiden and got a few things for me since I didn't pack a bag that morning. He brought me a Crispy Orange Chicken bowl from Applesbees for supper since I hadn't eaten anything since that morning. We were feeling good, things were going to be ok, I was going to have to take it easy but it was ok. I remember feeling the little pains starting and I kept thinking it wasn't anything, it couldn't be. They got worse and worse and so I woke Seth up and got the nurses in the room. By that time I was hurting and they hooked me up to the monitor to see if it was contractions, but only a short time later I felt the gush of water. I looked at Seth and said my water broke and the nurses went to check if it was amniotic fluid. I knew it was, I knew that was it. The physical pain was gone but the emotional pain just began. The nurses rushed me into the delivery room that I would be in for the next 2 days and called my now new doctor. He came and told me there was nothing left to do that our daughter would be born and she wouldn't survive, heartbroken. We waited to call our families until the sun was up and then Seth made the phone calls, I couldn't do it, it was hard enough to hear him say the words let alone say them myself. He also called our pastors who rushed to the hospital to be with us and to pray. I remember Seth telling Aiden that his new baby sister that he was so excited to meet would not be coming home with us, I think I cried most of the time. The rest of the day and night was spent watching TV and waiting, waiting for the inevitable. Christmas Eve day came and Amelia still had a heartbeat. I knew that she knew something was up just by the way so moved and the position she was in, up high where she never hung out before. I worried that she was hurting or scared, but mostly I worried that she wouldn't be born alive. I knew by the weekly baby updates that her eyelids were still fused shut so I wouldn't see what color her eyes were, I knew she wouldn't cry because her lungs weren't developed enough and I prayed that her hearing was developed so she could hear our voices if she was born alive. I think possibly one of the hardest things I had to do was allow my doctor to induce labor, I was forcing my baby out. I don't know if she would have come on her own, all I knew was that I had an infection and that she would die either in me or possibly in my arms. I wasn't given much of a choice, this was the way it had to be. So there we sat in the hospital on Christmas Eve, we should have been home getting ready for church and getting our Christmas meal ready. Here we sat in a hospital waiting for our baby girl to be born. I remember the contractions starting and getting more intense and finally asking for an epidural. The doctor came to give me an epidural and he was not nice, I remember him answering his phone while trying to do it and then sticking once and trying to get it in and then having to redo it. At least that is what Seth tells me, the contractions kinda overshadowed the epidural pain. Once I got the epidural I was more comfortable physically, emotionally I knew it was just a matter of minutes before this all would be over. I wanted that waiting to be over, but then again I didn't because I knew what the outcome was going to be, an empty belly and a daughter that didn't come home with us. I called my mom and after I got off the phone with her I moved and I could feel her head, I told Seth and he got my nurse who came and checked and said it was time and that my doctor would be her shortly. My doctor arrived and told me to push and I pushed a little and it was over, she was here. The nurse placed her on my chest, this tiny little perfect baby, and her little heart was still beating she was a fighter. Our pastor came in right away, my doctor just covered me up so he could come in and baptize Amelia. Once the baptism was over my doctor came back in to finish up. By this time Amelia's heart had stopped, she stopped trying to take a breath. That is something I will never forget is seeing her trying to breath, they say it's just a reflex, but it was hard to see. Feeling her tiny head so warm after being born and then slowly getting colder and colder and trying so hard to warm her up with no success. Then the nurses came in and started taking pictures and molds and prints. They gave her a bath which I know regret not asking if I could do, I never got a chance to give my own daughter her first bath and that makes me sad. Sometimes I worry that I didn't hold her enough and let the nurses mess with her too much when she should have been in my arms, but I can't change that. Then came the when to leave talk. By now it was getting late and we both knew we had Aiden at home waiting for us. We both wanted to be home for Aiden on Christmas morning, but part of me didn't want to leave Amelia at the hospital alone. I knew in my head that she was in heaven and that just her body was here, but my heart was split. My living son needed us, he needed his mom and dad. I cuddled Amelia while Seth carried out our stuff and then it was time. Time to hand over our baby to a nurse that would take her tiny 11oz body to the morgue, where she would sit until the next day when the funeral director came to get her. Walking out of the hospital was again one of the hardest things to do, I felt empty and alone. My baby that had been with me for 20 weeks and 6 days was gone. We got home and while Seth showered I sat in the closest and held the blanket that Amelia had been born on and sobbed. Seth found me and got me into bed and gave me a sleeping pill the hospital gave me. We woke the next morning to a very excited Aiden who opened his presents from Santa and was happy to have mom and dad home. The rest of the day was a blur, lots of crying and feeling alone. We talked to the funeral director and made arrangements to go see him the next morning. What a horrible feeling that was, plan a funeral for your child. Our families left that evening and then it was just the 3 of us again. I sat up and wrote Amelia's obituary which I wanted done by the next day.The next day Seth and I went to the funeral home and made funeral arrangements for Amelia. We chose the music, picked the programs, picked an urn, all the things you do for a funeral. It is wrong to have to do this for your child. I remember thinking that this was it, this is the one thing I will ever get to plan for my daughter. I don't get birthday parties, prom, a wedding, nothing that a mother of a daughter will get to do, I get a funeral. It still makes me sad when I hear of my friends that have daughters talk about all the girly stuff they are buying for their daughters, barbies and dolls, and I got a funeral. It seems so unfair that this is my one event I get to plan while everyone else will get years of planning fun things, I get a funeral. I'm not jealous or angry I'm just sad, because I was so looking forward to all the fun stuff, but I was able to give my daughter a nice funeral. I guess that is something. Before we left the funeral home we were able to see Amelia one last time before they took her to be cremated. It was hard to know that this was officially the last time we would see our baby, gut wrenching actually. She looked so peaceful and tiny in her sleeper we brought for her. She was a perfect little angel, our little angel who I know would watch over her family until we were all together again. The day of the funeral was finally here and honestly a lot of it is a blur, thankfully we have it all on video if I ever want to watch it, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to relive that. I think once we got home and everyone left I felt somewhat of a relief because it was over and now the journey to recovery would begin. I just had no idea at that time just how hard and yet rewarding the journey would be.

Rainbow Baby Boy

Well it's official we are expecting a baby boy! We are thrilled and couldn't be more excited to have another boy in the house! I found out at 18 weeks at one of my regular cervical length checks, kinda by accident. Seth wasn't even there he was in Denver, but baby was not being shy and when the tech was checking him out he decided to give us a perfect shot. I looked at the tech and I said "well that's a boy!" She replied back "yes there is no denying that one!" So it was official!! I was not surprised at all by this news though, I have felt we were having a boy from the beginning. I told quite a few people that I was pretty sure it was a boy and everyone would say, oh yeah I know someone that thought they were having a boy and it was a girl, so just wait for your ultrasound. I have learned now to trust my instincts though, with Amelia I had a feeling it was a girl and I was right and I was right again this time! So after the appointment I went to Target and did some shopping, I couldn't resist, then I went to Hobby Lobby and picked up a few things for the nursery and then I came home and did some online shopping! I told Aiden right away when he got home from school,and that night he told Seth that we were having a boy! Seth was excited but like me he ultimately didn't care, as long as this baby is healthy and we get to bring a baby home this time we don't care. So now I am in total boy mode, which is strange and I didn't expect to be so easy. From the moment I found out we were pregnant everytime we would be at a store that had baby cloths my eyes were automatically drawn to pink. Even though I had a very strong feeling this baby was a boy I was worried I was going to be disappointed deep down that it wasn't a girl. I will admit I have had a few moments where I see a baby girl and I feel this lump in my throat and a hint of jealously. Don't get me wrong I love this baby boy more then words can say and I can't wait to meet him, and I wouldn't change having another boy for anything, but I have my moments. I guess I always thought I would have a girl to dress up and play barbies and dolls with and have that mother daughter relationship with. And I have a daughter now that I just don't get to do those things with right now, and that still makes me so incredibly sad. I at least know what to do with a boy, and we have just about every boy toy made so he will be set for toys, if big brother will share them! I know I will probably always have those feelings and that they will come up when I least expect them to. If we decide to have another one after this, will I hope for a girl, probably, but if its another boy then I will be ok with that too! I know that everything happens for some reason and I just might be meant to have a house full of boys and a daughter in heaven. I am almost 22 weeks now and this boy is a busy one already, he is constantly moving and kicking and I absolutely love it! Seth and Aiden both were able to feel him kick at 20 weeks, which I have read is really early. It doesn't surprise me though, his kicks are strong, Amelia never kicked me this hard in that last week when I was pregnant with her. Makes me wonder how all those kicks will feel in 10 weeks when hes starting to run out of room! After Christmas we plan on finishing his nursery, still need to buy a crib and changing table and a bunch of baby stuff! Times have changed so much since we had Aiden, so many more things to buy! I am super excited to baby shop, I have never gotten to do it! With Aiden we had no money so everything we got was either a gift or a hand me down. Which I am forever grateful to all the people that gave us stuff and bought us baby items, but I am so excited to be able to pick out exactly what I want this time. I am also buying everything gender neutral, just in case another Hoff baby is in our future! When I was pregnant with Aiden I had a dream that I had 4 kids, one more and that dream would come true!! I just need to get my husband onboard with the idea!

11 Months plus some

I feel like I have been completely MIA from my blog this past month. I kept thinking to myself, "you need to sit down and blog" and I just never did, well today is the day! There have been quite a few things that have happened in our house since the last time I blogged, Halloween, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorating to name a few. Halloween was good, Aiden is not a hardcore trick or treater so we went out for about an hour and then he felt he had enough candy so we went home and dumped it all out on the rug and sorted it out, this was always my favorite part when I was a kid! Then we all dove in and started eating, also a favorite part! Although this year Aiden has acquired a taste for a lost of candy bars he never liked in the past so he wanted to eat more chocolate then usual. Which kinda bummed me out because I always would eat the stuff he didn't like, and now I had to fight him for it! Of course he always wins so I just sneak it when he goes to bed! 2 days later was my favorite boys 8th birthday, crazy to think I have an 8 year old already! He had a Pirates of the Carribean themed party and I made his birthday cake again this year, a tradition that I have been doing since his 2nd birthday. Although i have had a couple years that I have gotten some help, but I really like making his cakes! There was of course a winter storm that rolled in on his birthday so the road we pretty nasty so some kids didn't come because of that, but his closest friend were able to make it, along with my parents so it was a success! The kids bowled and ate pizza and cake and had fun and Aiden looked so happy, which is all I wanted! My parents stayed the night with us and the next morning Aiden had a hockey game so we went and cheered him on and then went home to get ready for my other favorite boys 30th birthday! Yes I am officially married to a 30 year old! We had a fun night we had our friends over for appetizers and drinks and the kids played downstairs, it was simple and fun! The next week was my birthday and we were supposed to go to my parents house for a birthday dinner, but the weather was bad so Seth took me out to the Japanese steakhouse for sushi, cooked of course, which I don't really consider sushi but it was still yummy! We sat at the hibatchi and Aiden thought that was pretty fun so again another successful night! The next day Seth had to leave for a few days and go to Denver for more training so it was just my Aiden and I for 4 days. I always miss Seth so much when he's away, but I also enjoy having it be just the two of us! While Seth was away Aiden and I decided to go to Target and look at Christmas decorations. Something that I have had some serious mixed feelings about, I hadn't been looking forward to anything to do with Christmas. So we started walking around and we found the most perfect little Christmas tree to put on Amelia's table in the living room. So then we had to go find decorations, we found a string of pink lights, silver garland and pink and silver ornaments, some pink glittery butterflies and a pink star to top it off! It was perfect and Aiden was so excited and so a great help, him being there helped keep me from bursting into tears and made me excited to decorate her tree. Once I got home I decided to decorate it right away, so I sat and got Amelia's tree all ready for her. I then placed some special ornaments on the tree that she had received from her grandmas and  it looks perfect for my special little angel! That day was a turning point for me because I was ready for Christmas then, I felt that Amelia was a part of Christmas and I no longer felt guilty about being excited for the holidays. So Thanksgiving came a couple weeks later and we spent it with Seth's parents and then we stayed in a hotel for a couple nights just to get out of town and do something fun with Aiden. My parents stayed at the same place so we got to see them too. I did a little shopping on Black Friday, mostly for myself! We had to come home early because Aiden had a hockey game so we were home by 9 am and ready for hockey! Which was actually ok, it gave me the rest of the day to do some Christmas decorating. It took me 2 days to decorate and I didn't do nearly as much as I usually do, but I was just to darn tired. Being 5 months pregnant you would think I would have more energy....nope I still get tuckered out pretty easily! Seth helped with the big tree and some of the decorating I couldn't do. I think the house looks good, and since I didn't put as much stuff out it means I won't have as much stuff to put away in a month! So that pretty much bring you up to speed with what's been happening at our house, or at least the highlights! I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do for Amelia's 1st Birthday in Heaven, but I think I might have an idea that kinda came to me last night before I fell asleep. I am in a good place right now, emotionally and I'm not nearly as anxious about Amelia's birthday and Christmas as I was, thankfully.

10 Months

I can hardly believe that yet another month has passed already.  I feel like it was just yesterday when I started writing this blog and here I am 10 months later. It is crazy to think back at the last 10 months and how much has changed. I have gone through so many different stages of grief and so many experiences that I never in a million years even dreamed I would have to deal with. I think back to Christmas Day of 2011, the day after Amelia went to heaven and how awful I felt and how desparate, sad, and hopeless I felt. Then I look at today and I am in a much different place, I can honestly say I feel happy, not the pure happiness I was feeling 1 year ago but a different happy. I feel hopeful for the future, and I do get sad sometimes, but I am ok with that and I just let it happen I don't fight it anymore. Those sad moments usually come when I start thinking about what Amelia would be doing at this stage, or thinking about her upcoming birthday. I also have a strong sense of pride though, I am so proud to say that I have an angel. I wish so badly she was here, but I would rather have Amelia as an angel then not have her at all. I have been thinking about calling my counselor since I have been having some major anxiety about Amelia's birthday. I think it also isn't helping that I am pregnant during the same exact time of year again. I remember last year going trick or treating with Aiden and being pregnant and here I am this year, I will be going trick or treating with Aiden pregnant. I cringe when I hear Christmas music or the word holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas but I am so dreading them. Thanksgiving because I will be about 20 weeks pregnant which is what I was when we lost Amelia and Christmas I just have so many mixed emotions about it. I am excited to celebrate Amelia's 1st Birthday in heaven but I know I will be so sad that she isn't physically here with us. Ugh, I feel like a broken record since I think this is what I have been writing about for the last 2 months. I know the 1st birthday is probably the hardest, it's just hard to believe that a year has passed. I remember when Aiden turned 1 and just thinking how fast that first year went, and how much I looked forward to what the next year would bring. I hope and pray that I can be strong for my family on her birthday and make it a special day and not a day that I just want to lay around and mope. I think the one thing that is helping me through this time of year is Aiden and this little baby in my belly. I think if I weren't pregnant I would be in a much darker place and I think that is why I got pregnant when I did. I feel like it was a gift that Amelia sent us to help us get through these next couple months because she knew it was going to be hard. Although sometimes I feel like I am having deja vu since everything is so similiar, but it's ok it's also strangley comforting. I will try and post some pictures of Halloween, and my Jack Sparrow who I will be taking trick or treating! Also we have Aiden's 8th Birthday party next Friday, we are having a bowling party and then we are having a small get together on Saturday for Seth's 30th birthday, he turns 30 on Sunday. So needless to say this next week is going to be kinda crazy busy, but I think it will be great celebrating with friends and family! So Happy Halloween everyone!

October 15th, 2012

Yesterday was October 15th, also known as Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day. One year ago I had no clue that this day even existed, and now I have it on my calendar. I was fortunate enough to attend a balloon release last week Thursday in Bismarck with a the Angel Babies group I belong to. This is a group of women that have helped me a lot even though I had never met any of them in person before last week. Seth was able to come with me and it was nice, and for some reason I just wouldn't let myself cry. I don't know why I wouldn't, I think I was just trying to be strong and make it more of a celebration of Amelia's short life instead of something sad. I just kept thinking to myself, this is all I have of my daughter balloon releases. I know that is not try I have so much more then that, but in that moment I just felt sad. Because of this balloon release I was inspired to create a balloon release in Minot for all the families here that have lost a baby or pregnancy. I planned it in 10 days and thank God for facebook because I was able to get the word out to a lot of people. I also called the local news station and they were very interested in the story and agreed to do an interview about the day and the balloon release. So yesterday morning a reporter came over and we talked for over an hour, which is funny because my little blip on the news was about 30 seconds! Which is a good thing since I did a lot of babbling and I am sure I made no sense half the time, gotta love editing! I also contacted the grocery store in town and talked to the manager and he agreed to donate all the balloons to the release, all 65 of them! So last night at 6:30 my friend Catherine and I and our kids got to the release site and started sorting balloons! I had around 40 people that came and I was just completely overwhelmed by the response and the support of the even! Our local paper came and interviewed me and our balloon release was on the front page of the paper this morning! The pastor from my church, Nathan, came and said a prayer for all of us before we sent our balloons up to heaven. It was extra special that he was there since he is the one that baptized Amelia, he was there when I was at my lowest point ever and now he was there last night when I am at a much better point in my life. Although last night I wasn't able to keep in the tears, as I was thanking everyone for coming out and supporting me and the event I kinda lost it, I got all high pitched and people probably couldn't even understand what I was saying so at that point I passed it on to Nathan to say the prayer! I cried through the whole prayer and then we let go of our balloons and I felt at peace. I know Amelia was there just waiting for her balloons, I think she had 4 or 5 which is so amazing! Aiden was my date for the night since Seth couldn't be there, he's in Denver for work this week so that kinda sucked but I know he wanted to be there. I have received so much positive feedback from people about the balloon release and it makes me so happy that I was able to do something to honor my daughter, but at the same time help others dealing with their loss. I know there is a reason why Amelia's life was so short and I am not positive why, but I am going to make sure that something positive comes from her death. I refuse to let her be forgotten and I am determined to keep her memory alive, and this is just one way that I plan to do that. I love my baby girl more then words can even begin to express and I did this for her and I hope she is half as proud of her mommy as I am of her! Here are some pictures from last night!
Here are the links to my interview and the news paper article!
http://www.kmot.com/News_Stories.asp?news=59829
http://www.minotdailynews.com/page/content.detail/id/569897/Balloon-release-held-to-raise-awareness-of-infant-loss.html?nav=5010

passing out balloons

Aiden and I with our balloons to Amelia

Saying my thank you's and crying!

Our balloons floating up to heaven to our angels

9 Months

Wow 9 months I can hardly believe that it has been 9 months already. Kinda crazy how 9 months can mean two totally different things for me. 9 months since I have held Amelia and also thinking about the 9 months of pregnancy that I didn't get with her. And yet here I am pregnant again and praying that I finally get 9 whole months of pregnancy this time. Amelia has been on my mind constantly lately and I think it's because there are so many reminders of her 1 year birthday in heaven coming up. Everytime I turn around there is something about Christmas and the saying "It's the most wonderful time of the year". I used to think that and feel that, but not this year. I am honestly dreading Christmas this year. Christmas is no longer just about getting together with family, food and presents, it's my baby girls birthday and proof that a whole year has passed since I held her last. I hope that someday I can think of Christmas and be excited or at least not want to cry, but it is a holiday that has forever changed for me. While families are celebrating, and I am sure this year most of my family will be celebrating and I want that for them, I don't want my family to be sad this year. I will be sad and I pray that I am able to put on a brave face and celebrate Amelia's 1st birthday and Christimas, but I am scared I won't be able to. She was born at 4 pm on Christmas Eve a time that the church service we usually go to starts, do I go to church and sing songs and smile or do I stay home and cry? I don't know, I guess I don't have to decide right this second but it's questions like this that I ask myself all the time. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that so much of this pregnancy is just like my pregnancy with Amelia. Not only do I feel very similiar as I did last time, I am will be doing a lot of the same things as I did while pregnant with Amelia. Going trick or treating, celebrating Aiden's, Seth's and my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas decorating, Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, wrapping presents, the list could go on and on. I am sure I am not the only person that has experienced a preganancy after loss that had so much in common with the previous pregnancy, but it is just hard. Last year at this time I couldn't wait to do all the things surrounding the holidays, and this year I am not looking forward to any of it. I kinda wish I could just skip over it all, and yet I know that Aiden deserves a wonderful Christmas this year so I know I will make it as special as I can for him. It will be a different kind of Christmas this year, but we will be together so that's all that matters. So this is what has been going through my head for about the last month, kinda crazy I know. As far as this pregnancy goes I am 12 1/2 weeks and finally feeling energized. Which is a nice change! I started walking last week so I can keep my weight gain in the 2nd trimester a little more steady compared to my 1st trimester, I gained 13 lbs! I know that is awful, although that is what I have done in my previous 2 pregnancies so it really didn't surprise me that much. I think I finally got a handle on it though! I go to the doctor next week and then starting at 16 weeks I will have an ultrasound everyother week until my 24th week to check my cervix and make sure everything is holding, and to help allieviete my anxieties. I am so thankful that both my doctors are so sensitive to my situation and so willing to help me feel better. Other then all the thoughts running through my head life here has been pretty quiet. Aiden is doing hockey again, flag football and boy scouts so we are staying busy with his activities and Seth is in the process of transitioning to his new job, but until he gets an office he's been working from home. I have to say I don't hate it! It's kinda nice having him around all the time and I absolutely love having him home on the weekends. Seeing Aiden and Seth playing together or eating breakfast together just makes me happy. This is not something I am used to seeing on a Saturday or Sunday morning, it is a welcomed change for our family. Aiden especially loves having his dad home with him on the weekends, he doesn't know any different since Aiden was 2 Seth has always had a weird schedule so Aiden still ask on Saturdays if dad is on days off today! So all in all I'm doing good, my family is doing good and that's all that matters, and I know that Amelia is watching over us and smiling. Next week we are all going to a balloon release being held in Bismarck by a group of amazing women, it is for Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day which is on Oct. 15th, but they are holding the release on the 11th because that is their regular meeting night. I am just so happy to be a part of a group of women that are also doing their part to bring awareness of infant and pregnancy loss while also honoring our angels. I am so proud to be a mommy of an angel baby and it's comforting to know so many other mommies that feel the same way as me! So remember to light a candle on the 15th at 7pm for 1 hour to honor babies gone to soon!

8 Months

Yes I realize that the 8 month mark has come and gone now and 9 months is starting to creep closer. It just amazes me how months just fly by, and with each passing month it's longer and longer since I have held Amelia. Life has been pretty crazy around our house this past month, we had our last weekends of camping and Aiden started the 2nd grade, which I can hardly believe! He also started playing hockey again so that is keeping him busy. Aiden's Wednesday church school started a couple weeks ago and this year I have decided to help out with it, so he is excited that I will be there with him. I am excited to help out with it, we have received so much from the church especially in those first few months after Amelia passed away and this is a way that I can give back a little. Another reason that this past month has been a little hectic is because we found out that we are expecting again. I found out the very end of July when I was only 3 weeks 4 days and I am 9 weeks 1 day now, although I feel like I am way more pregnant then that. I look farther along then 9 weeks and since we have known for so long I can already tell this pregnancy is going to take forever! I have also figured it probably feels like I have been pregnant so long because I spent 20 weeks being pregnant and then it just ended so abruptly. So far I feel good, just extremely tired I don't think I have been this tired in my entire life, but it's a good tired! It is very strange being pregnant again I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. I remember thinking to myself when we first started talking about starting to try again that when I became pregnant I wasn't going to let myself get excited or attached this time. I thought that in case something didn't go right, then I would get hurt. Well the second I found out that plan went right out the window, I downloaded 2 apps on my phone to track the babies progress and I am all ready so in love with this little baby. I just pray everyday and night that this time everything will end the way it's supposed to, with us getting to bring our healthy little baby home with us. Although this pregnancy hasn't been totally smooth, at 5 weeks I started to spot and cramp and had to go in and have my hcg levels checked, which came back ok and then I spent a Sunday afternoon in the ER because the cramping got worse, they did and ultrasound and could see everything looked ok, but they couldn't detect a heartbeat. I went back 3 days later and this time they were able to see a little fluttery heartbeat. Seth asked me on our way out "Well do you feel better now?" and I said "Yes but no, I won't feel better until the baby is here in our arms". The doctors think that I am having more cramping and spotting then usual because I had 3 surgeries on my cervix in a 6 month period and because of that I have scar tissue that could be causing the pain. I truely hope they are right, I cramp on a daily basis but it always goes away and never gets worse so I am just clinging onto what the doctors told me. I go in on Wednesday for my 10 week appointment and I am excited to get to see our little baby again and just pray that everything looks good. Then I will be going back every 2 weeks for an ultrasound to make sure my cerclage is holding and looks good, Dr. Haney says this is his way of calming my anxieties about this pregnancy. I am so happy that I have 2 amazing doctors working together to make this pregnancy a success. Just makes me sad that we had to lose Amelia for this to happen, I wish I had her and this new baby I don't think that is asking too much. Other then being constantly worried about this pregnancy, emotionally I have been in a really good place. I feel like this pregnancy happened when it was supposed to, what's crazy is I am due April 13 and I was due with Amelia May 6, but she would have been born in April. I just know that Amelia planned for that to happen, to make April a happy month for us like it should have been. I have had a few moments that I have just broken down crying and this has happened when I start thinking about Amelia's 1st birthday which is only 3 1/2 months away now. That is a hard one for me to think about, everytime I start to think about it or plan something I just cry. It's also hard because Ameila was born on Christmas Eve, a night that most families spend laughing and eating and enjoying themselves. I don't think I will be doing much of that this year. I have kind of decided that I want to stay home for Christmas Eve and have it just be Seth, Aiden and I, and we can just have a small celebration at home together for Amelia. I figure on Christmas Day we can go spend with the rest of the family. I know most people want all of their family around on this day, but most of these days don't fall on a holiday like Christmas. Plus I want to be able to have Amelia's pictures and things around me on her birthday and if we go out of town to our families we will have to leave most of her things and I just don't want that, not on her 1st birthday. Just thinking about it gets me teary eyed, I am just not ready for that one year mark it just seems like so long ago and I know that once one year comes then the years will just start flying by. At least I have a few more months to plan and prepare and hopefully by the time the day arrives I am ready. Well I will end this post here, I feel like I kind of rambled on about a bunch of stuff. I will try and be better about posting more frequently so everything doesn't get crammed into one post!