Birthday Girl

Amelia,
Today is your 1st Birthday, today is a celebration of you and your life. The day you were born was a sad day because Mommy and Daddy knew that you wouldn't be able to stay with us long, but it was also happy because we got to meet you and see just how beautiful you are. You were perfect, the prettiest baby girl I have ever seen and I wanted to keep you so bad, but God had much bigger plans for you. I don't know what that plan is, but I know it must have been very important. Mommy, Daddy and big brother Aiden all miss you so much and love you more then you will ever know. We still talk about you to anyone that will listen, I want everyone to know that I have a beautiful daughter. I will continue to do my best to keep your memory alive and make sure people never forget you. I hope you liked the birthday celebration that I decided to do. I wanted to do something special that would bring joy to others and especially children during Christmas. I thought one random act of kindness would be a perfect way to help others and also make you happy. Sometimes I wonder why God would take you on Christmas Eve, a day that is about family and spending time together. I now think that you were meant to do big things here on earth, with Mommies help. It is all I can do now and I will continue to do special things for your birthday that will also help others in your memory. I hope you have a wonderful birthday in heaven today, I can only imagine what a birthday in heaven must be like and I imagine it must be amazing. Mommy, Daddy, Aiden, your baby brother and Bronx the dog will do our best to celebrate you today, and we will say a special prayer for you. We will also sing you happy birthday, blow out the candle on your cupcakes, and of course eat a cupcake for you. We love you sweet Amelia, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven! I found this poem that I thought it was perfect because everytime I see a rainbow I always think of you and that you are somewhere looking down on me. On Christmas Day last year I remember looking out the window while the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful and pink like I had never seen before. I knew that was a way of you telling me that you were in heaven and that you were ok, so everytime the sky turns pink I think of you. I hope you like the poem as much as I do.

Vicki Brown - Look for me in rainbows

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.
In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.
It won't be forever, the day will come and then
My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.
Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.
Every waking moment, and all your whole life through
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.
Just wish me to be near you,
And I'll be there with you.

Happy 1st Birthday

The day has finally arrived, a day that I have been thinking about for months Dec. 24th, 2012, also known as Christmas Eve. A day for families to gather together and spend time with eachother and eat food and open presents and just have a great time. For me this day will never just be about food and presents, it is first and foremost Amelia's birthday. I woke up about a half hour ago and wasn't sure how I felt, was I sad, was I happy, or was I just ok. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling, of course I'm sad, but I'm sad everyday because I miss Amelia everyday not just today. I'm sad because we will celebrate her birthday without her here to help us blow out the candles on her cupcakes and she won't get to enjoy the balloons and flowers we bought for her, but I know she is getting to share her birthday with Jesus in heaven and I don't think I can top that kind of party here on earth. I just pray that she knows how badly I wish she was here with us and how much we love her and miss her. We plan to be a church today during her actual birth time, 4 pm, which I hope I find comforting and don't cry whole time. I am also looking forward to seeing the poinsetta that we purchased in her memory that will help decorate the front of the church. I think I'm still a little in shock that it has been a year already, it feels like an eternity since I have held Amelia in my arms and yet it doesn't seem like a year should have passed so quickly. I miss Amelia more and more everyday and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and wish she was here. Would she be walking by now, how many teeth would she have, would she love my sugar cookies as much as Aiden does, I have so many questions that while on this earth I will never know. I'm not sure if I can possibly miss her anymore then I do right now, but I am sure I can. As much as I want Amelia here with us I am comforted knowing that all that she knows is love and goodness, and I will never have to explain the scary things in life to her because she will never have to experience scary things. Maybe that sounds selfish of me, maybe not but it is how I feel. I worry constantly about Aiden and I don't worry about Amelia anymore because I know she is in a safe place, surrounded by people that love her. Don't get me wrong if things could be different I would choose for her to be here, but unfortunately that is not possible. I feel blessed that I have a special angel that watches over us, and is always with us no matter where we go. I feel blessed that I was able to spend the time with her that I did, because it was better then no time with her. So today while your with your family having a wonderful time, take the time to think about all the angels that are spending Christmas and their birthdays in heaven and the families that have to figure out how to go on without them.

Pink

So these past couple of days I have been finding out some people that I know are expecting girls. When I found out were we pregnant I didn't care one bit if it was a boy or girl, as long as we were able to bring a healthy baby home it didn't matter. Well from the beginning I felt we were having a boy so it was no surprise to me to find out it was a boy. I have been so happy and excited to have yet another boy in the house and seeing pink in the stores doesn't even bother me anymore, I am in full boy mode. That was until a couple days ago, I found out someone I know is expecting a girl. She is a wonderful person and has experienced 2 miscarriages in the past year and deserves this baby girl. It just made me sad, and as hard as it is to think and say but jealous. I don't want to be jealous of her, I'm happy for her and very excited. But I found myself thinking why I does she get a girl and I get a boy. I feel so guilty to feel this way, because I love this baby boy so much already and I want him, but I can't shake this feeling. Then today I found out another person I know is expecting a girl and again I feel the same jealousy. I am angry at myself for feeling like this, I feel like I am being ungrateful for the little blessing that is a true gift from God that is growing inside me and I don't feel ungrateful at all, but I sound ungrateful. It confuses me that I feel like this and maybe that is just part of this journey and this is normal to experience feelings like this when expecting a rainbow baby of the opposite sex of the one that is in heaven. I know I was given a boy for a reason and I will love him more then anything, I just pray that I get over these feelings. I don't want to feel jealous anymore, I dealt with that enough after Amelia went to heaven whenever I would see a baby girl and it was awful. I wanted to cry everytime I saw pink and I don't want to be in that place again. It is just hard to know that I have a daughter that no one can see and that on this earth I will never get to hold her again or show her off to everyone in her new pink outfits. I know material things are not important and that someday in heaven I will get to do all the important things with her, but until then I have to just be at peace with the way things are and miss her. I miss Amelia terribly, it is still a dull ache that I live with everyday, and in a flip of a switch the dull ache can turn into a throbbing pain. This week the pain has been much more prominent and I have spent a lot more time then usual thinking and being sad. I am just allowing myself this time and maybe that is why the news of people expecting girls is hard for me to handle, because its been almost a year since I have held mine in my arms and I want more then anything to be able to do that again. I know that in a little over 3 months when I hold my baby boy in my arms much of this pain will dull again, because when I hold him it will be  like holding a little piece of Amelia again and I am so excited for that. I know that God and Amelia are working together and they have great plans for our family and I trust that they know best.

I Remember

With Amelia's 1st birthday rapidly approaching, only 4 days, I have been thinking a lot about our 3 days in the hospital and the moment she came into this world. I keep reliving the days leading up to Dec. 22nd and wondering if there was something I did or didn't do. Oh how I wish I would have paid more attention to my body and less attention on preparing for Christmas. I still struggle somedays with the guilt and knowing that had I insisted on being seen sooner that there is a good chance Amelia would have survived. It's awful to think about, but it's true. I think about the tone in my doctors voice when he checked me and said "oh that's not good". How my heart stopped and then he started saying a bunch of words I didn't understand and how I was being sent to a doctor I had never met and he would do the surgery because he was leaving and good luck. I vaguely remember the drive to the hospital and going up to the labor and delivery floor. It was a swirl wind of nurses and people asking questions and then waiting, waiting for this doctor to finish delivering a baby next door so he could go and try and save mine. By the time the surgery started I was shaking so bad and I couldn't stop, I felt like I was having a seizure of something it was awful. I remember the nurse asking me questions and then us talking about her daughter and Aiden, they went to preschool together. I don't remember going to recovery, I just remember being in my room. I remember feeling like I really needed to blow my nose but I didn't want to because I was scared to. Seth went home for awhile and picked up Aiden and got a few things for me since I didn't pack a bag that morning. He brought me a Crispy Orange Chicken bowl from Applesbees for supper since I hadn't eaten anything since that morning. We were feeling good, things were going to be ok, I was going to have to take it easy but it was ok. I remember feeling the little pains starting and I kept thinking it wasn't anything, it couldn't be. They got worse and worse and so I woke Seth up and got the nurses in the room. By that time I was hurting and they hooked me up to the monitor to see if it was contractions, but only a short time later I felt the gush of water. I looked at Seth and said my water broke and the nurses went to check if it was amniotic fluid. I knew it was, I knew that was it. The physical pain was gone but the emotional pain just began. The nurses rushed me into the delivery room that I would be in for the next 2 days and called my now new doctor. He came and told me there was nothing left to do that our daughter would be born and she wouldn't survive, heartbroken. We waited to call our families until the sun was up and then Seth made the phone calls, I couldn't do it, it was hard enough to hear him say the words let alone say them myself. He also called our pastors who rushed to the hospital to be with us and to pray. I remember Seth telling Aiden that his new baby sister that he was so excited to meet would not be coming home with us, I think I cried most of the time. The rest of the day and night was spent watching TV and waiting, waiting for the inevitable. Christmas Eve day came and Amelia still had a heartbeat. I knew that she knew something was up just by the way so moved and the position she was in, up high where she never hung out before. I worried that she was hurting or scared, but mostly I worried that she wouldn't be born alive. I knew by the weekly baby updates that her eyelids were still fused shut so I wouldn't see what color her eyes were, I knew she wouldn't cry because her lungs weren't developed enough and I prayed that her hearing was developed so she could hear our voices if she was born alive. I think possibly one of the hardest things I had to do was allow my doctor to induce labor, I was forcing my baby out. I don't know if she would have come on her own, all I knew was that I had an infection and that she would die either in me or possibly in my arms. I wasn't given much of a choice, this was the way it had to be. So there we sat in the hospital on Christmas Eve, we should have been home getting ready for church and getting our Christmas meal ready. Here we sat in a hospital waiting for our baby girl to be born. I remember the contractions starting and getting more intense and finally asking for an epidural. The doctor came to give me an epidural and he was not nice, I remember him answering his phone while trying to do it and then sticking once and trying to get it in and then having to redo it. At least that is what Seth tells me, the contractions kinda overshadowed the epidural pain. Once I got the epidural I was more comfortable physically, emotionally I knew it was just a matter of minutes before this all would be over. I wanted that waiting to be over, but then again I didn't because I knew what the outcome was going to be, an empty belly and a daughter that didn't come home with us. I called my mom and after I got off the phone with her I moved and I could feel her head, I told Seth and he got my nurse who came and checked and said it was time and that my doctor would be her shortly. My doctor arrived and told me to push and I pushed a little and it was over, she was here. The nurse placed her on my chest, this tiny little perfect baby, and her little heart was still beating she was a fighter. Our pastor came in right away, my doctor just covered me up so he could come in and baptize Amelia. Once the baptism was over my doctor came back in to finish up. By this time Amelia's heart had stopped, she stopped trying to take a breath. That is something I will never forget is seeing her trying to breath, they say it's just a reflex, but it was hard to see. Feeling her tiny head so warm after being born and then slowly getting colder and colder and trying so hard to warm her up with no success. Then the nurses came in and started taking pictures and molds and prints. They gave her a bath which I know regret not asking if I could do, I never got a chance to give my own daughter her first bath and that makes me sad. Sometimes I worry that I didn't hold her enough and let the nurses mess with her too much when she should have been in my arms, but I can't change that. Then came the when to leave talk. By now it was getting late and we both knew we had Aiden at home waiting for us. We both wanted to be home for Aiden on Christmas morning, but part of me didn't want to leave Amelia at the hospital alone. I knew in my head that she was in heaven and that just her body was here, but my heart was split. My living son needed us, he needed his mom and dad. I cuddled Amelia while Seth carried out our stuff and then it was time. Time to hand over our baby to a nurse that would take her tiny 11oz body to the morgue, where she would sit until the next day when the funeral director came to get her. Walking out of the hospital was again one of the hardest things to do, I felt empty and alone. My baby that had been with me for 20 weeks and 6 days was gone. We got home and while Seth showered I sat in the closest and held the blanket that Amelia had been born on and sobbed. Seth found me and got me into bed and gave me a sleeping pill the hospital gave me. We woke the next morning to a very excited Aiden who opened his presents from Santa and was happy to have mom and dad home. The rest of the day was a blur, lots of crying and feeling alone. We talked to the funeral director and made arrangements to go see him the next morning. What a horrible feeling that was, plan a funeral for your child. Our families left that evening and then it was just the 3 of us again. I sat up and wrote Amelia's obituary which I wanted done by the next day.The next day Seth and I went to the funeral home and made funeral arrangements for Amelia. We chose the music, picked the programs, picked an urn, all the things you do for a funeral. It is wrong to have to do this for your child. I remember thinking that this was it, this is the one thing I will ever get to plan for my daughter. I don't get birthday parties, prom, a wedding, nothing that a mother of a daughter will get to do, I get a funeral. It still makes me sad when I hear of my friends that have daughters talk about all the girly stuff they are buying for their daughters, barbies and dolls, and I got a funeral. It seems so unfair that this is my one event I get to plan while everyone else will get years of planning fun things, I get a funeral. I'm not jealous or angry I'm just sad, because I was so looking forward to all the fun stuff, but I was able to give my daughter a nice funeral. I guess that is something. Before we left the funeral home we were able to see Amelia one last time before they took her to be cremated. It was hard to know that this was officially the last time we would see our baby, gut wrenching actually. She looked so peaceful and tiny in her sleeper we brought for her. She was a perfect little angel, our little angel who I know would watch over her family until we were all together again. The day of the funeral was finally here and honestly a lot of it is a blur, thankfully we have it all on video if I ever want to watch it, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to relive that. I think once we got home and everyone left I felt somewhat of a relief because it was over and now the journey to recovery would begin. I just had no idea at that time just how hard and yet rewarding the journey would be.

Rainbow Baby Boy

Well it's official we are expecting a baby boy! We are thrilled and couldn't be more excited to have another boy in the house! I found out at 18 weeks at one of my regular cervical length checks, kinda by accident. Seth wasn't even there he was in Denver, but baby was not being shy and when the tech was checking him out he decided to give us a perfect shot. I looked at the tech and I said "well that's a boy!" She replied back "yes there is no denying that one!" So it was official!! I was not surprised at all by this news though, I have felt we were having a boy from the beginning. I told quite a few people that I was pretty sure it was a boy and everyone would say, oh yeah I know someone that thought they were having a boy and it was a girl, so just wait for your ultrasound. I have learned now to trust my instincts though, with Amelia I had a feeling it was a girl and I was right and I was right again this time! So after the appointment I went to Target and did some shopping, I couldn't resist, then I went to Hobby Lobby and picked up a few things for the nursery and then I came home and did some online shopping! I told Aiden right away when he got home from school,and that night he told Seth that we were having a boy! Seth was excited but like me he ultimately didn't care, as long as this baby is healthy and we get to bring a baby home this time we don't care. So now I am in total boy mode, which is strange and I didn't expect to be so easy. From the moment I found out we were pregnant everytime we would be at a store that had baby cloths my eyes were automatically drawn to pink. Even though I had a very strong feeling this baby was a boy I was worried I was going to be disappointed deep down that it wasn't a girl. I will admit I have had a few moments where I see a baby girl and I feel this lump in my throat and a hint of jealously. Don't get me wrong I love this baby boy more then words can say and I can't wait to meet him, and I wouldn't change having another boy for anything, but I have my moments. I guess I always thought I would have a girl to dress up and play barbies and dolls with and have that mother daughter relationship with. And I have a daughter now that I just don't get to do those things with right now, and that still makes me so incredibly sad. I at least know what to do with a boy, and we have just about every boy toy made so he will be set for toys, if big brother will share them! I know I will probably always have those feelings and that they will come up when I least expect them to. If we decide to have another one after this, will I hope for a girl, probably, but if its another boy then I will be ok with that too! I know that everything happens for some reason and I just might be meant to have a house full of boys and a daughter in heaven. I am almost 22 weeks now and this boy is a busy one already, he is constantly moving and kicking and I absolutely love it! Seth and Aiden both were able to feel him kick at 20 weeks, which I have read is really early. It doesn't surprise me though, his kicks are strong, Amelia never kicked me this hard in that last week when I was pregnant with her. Makes me wonder how all those kicks will feel in 10 weeks when hes starting to run out of room! After Christmas we plan on finishing his nursery, still need to buy a crib and changing table and a bunch of baby stuff! Times have changed so much since we had Aiden, so many more things to buy! I am super excited to baby shop, I have never gotten to do it! With Aiden we had no money so everything we got was either a gift or a hand me down. Which I am forever grateful to all the people that gave us stuff and bought us baby items, but I am so excited to be able to pick out exactly what I want this time. I am also buying everything gender neutral, just in case another Hoff baby is in our future! When I was pregnant with Aiden I had a dream that I had 4 kids, one more and that dream would come true!! I just need to get my husband onboard with the idea!

11 Months plus some

I feel like I have been completely MIA from my blog this past month. I kept thinking to myself, "you need to sit down and blog" and I just never did, well today is the day! There have been quite a few things that have happened in our house since the last time I blogged, Halloween, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorating to name a few. Halloween was good, Aiden is not a hardcore trick or treater so we went out for about an hour and then he felt he had enough candy so we went home and dumped it all out on the rug and sorted it out, this was always my favorite part when I was a kid! Then we all dove in and started eating, also a favorite part! Although this year Aiden has acquired a taste for a lost of candy bars he never liked in the past so he wanted to eat more chocolate then usual. Which kinda bummed me out because I always would eat the stuff he didn't like, and now I had to fight him for it! Of course he always wins so I just sneak it when he goes to bed! 2 days later was my favorite boys 8th birthday, crazy to think I have an 8 year old already! He had a Pirates of the Carribean themed party and I made his birthday cake again this year, a tradition that I have been doing since his 2nd birthday. Although i have had a couple years that I have gotten some help, but I really like making his cakes! There was of course a winter storm that rolled in on his birthday so the road we pretty nasty so some kids didn't come because of that, but his closest friend were able to make it, along with my parents so it was a success! The kids bowled and ate pizza and cake and had fun and Aiden looked so happy, which is all I wanted! My parents stayed the night with us and the next morning Aiden had a hockey game so we went and cheered him on and then went home to get ready for my other favorite boys 30th birthday! Yes I am officially married to a 30 year old! We had a fun night we had our friends over for appetizers and drinks and the kids played downstairs, it was simple and fun! The next week was my birthday and we were supposed to go to my parents house for a birthday dinner, but the weather was bad so Seth took me out to the Japanese steakhouse for sushi, cooked of course, which I don't really consider sushi but it was still yummy! We sat at the hibatchi and Aiden thought that was pretty fun so again another successful night! The next day Seth had to leave for a few days and go to Denver for more training so it was just my Aiden and I for 4 days. I always miss Seth so much when he's away, but I also enjoy having it be just the two of us! While Seth was away Aiden and I decided to go to Target and look at Christmas decorations. Something that I have had some serious mixed feelings about, I hadn't been looking forward to anything to do with Christmas. So we started walking around and we found the most perfect little Christmas tree to put on Amelia's table in the living room. So then we had to go find decorations, we found a string of pink lights, silver garland and pink and silver ornaments, some pink glittery butterflies and a pink star to top it off! It was perfect and Aiden was so excited and so a great help, him being there helped keep me from bursting into tears and made me excited to decorate her tree. Once I got home I decided to decorate it right away, so I sat and got Amelia's tree all ready for her. I then placed some special ornaments on the tree that she had received from her grandmas and  it looks perfect for my special little angel! That day was a turning point for me because I was ready for Christmas then, I felt that Amelia was a part of Christmas and I no longer felt guilty about being excited for the holidays. So Thanksgiving came a couple weeks later and we spent it with Seth's parents and then we stayed in a hotel for a couple nights just to get out of town and do something fun with Aiden. My parents stayed at the same place so we got to see them too. I did a little shopping on Black Friday, mostly for myself! We had to come home early because Aiden had a hockey game so we were home by 9 am and ready for hockey! Which was actually ok, it gave me the rest of the day to do some Christmas decorating. It took me 2 days to decorate and I didn't do nearly as much as I usually do, but I was just to darn tired. Being 5 months pregnant you would think I would have more energy....nope I still get tuckered out pretty easily! Seth helped with the big tree and some of the decorating I couldn't do. I think the house looks good, and since I didn't put as much stuff out it means I won't have as much stuff to put away in a month! So that pretty much bring you up to speed with what's been happening at our house, or at least the highlights! I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do for Amelia's 1st Birthday in Heaven, but I think I might have an idea that kinda came to me last night before I fell asleep. I am in a good place right now, emotionally and I'm not nearly as anxious about Amelia's birthday and Christmas as I was, thankfully.