4 Months and a Delivery Date

It has been awhile since I have sat down and wrote, not because I haven't wanted to or didn't have time, but because I just didn't know how to put into words what I was feeling. I don't really know that even now I am able to, but I have really been feeling the need to just write. April 24th marked the 4 month point since Amelia went to heaven and it was a tough day but not any harder then all the others. Once again it didn't seem like it has been 4 months, and yet it feels like forever since I held Amelia in my arms for the last time. April 26th was not a day that was for sure because I never got far enough along in my pregnancy to schedule my c-section, but it was the day that I had talked to my doctor the week before Amelia was born, that if everything went right it would be the day I would go in. So to me it was my due date, because everything was going to go right, little did I know it wouldn't. Luckily Seth was home that day so we went out for lunch and my friend Ericka brought some flowers over and we received two cards one from a fellow mommy of an angel baby, Alissa and the other from her sister and friend of Seth and me, Ashley. It was nice to know that people remembered the day and took the time to think of us and Amelia. That is my biggest fear, that she will be forgotten. So the rest of the week I feel like I did really good, I was in a good place and trying not to focus on the "what I should be doing" things, but focusing on that April 26th isn't Amelia's day, Dec. 24th is. That is the day we will celebrate her not the day that she should have been born. We went away for the weekend and had a good time with Seth's family, and got to spend some time with our friends it was good.
Then the next week had to happen. Monday was ok, I went and got my final 2 tattoos done, one on each foot. One has Aiden and Amelia and the other foot has Amelia's footprints. Tuesday was a different story. I went to go get the mail and there it was, the box of formula, 2 books of coupons for diapers, and a magazine from American Baby that was special sent to me since I have recently became a new mommy. BOOM! I lost it. I sat waiting for Aiden to come out of the school and tried to hide my tears and I made it home and through everything away and walked past Seth and went straight into the bathroom and sobbed. I just kept thinking that I should be a new mommy I should be excited about coupons for diapers, I should be so many things and I am not. I should have a beautiful baby girl at home depriving me of sleep and turning my nice clean house into a place that looks like a bomb exploded. But I am not. Instead I sit here writing this looking at Amelia's shadow box hanging on the wall and her table with her picture on it, its just not fair. Why me? Why her? This is what has been going through my head for the past 6 days, I just can't seem to shake it. I almost feel the way I did 3 months ago, I guess this is the grieving process and its normal but I feel so far from normal. I feel like I am in someone else's body just going through the motions of life. I have become very good at putting on a show, so people won't know how I actually feel inside. I think it is partly because I don't want to disappoint anyone, because so many people think I am doing so good and I am so strong, but I am not. There are moments I have when I can have fun and laugh and smile and it is genuine, but these moments are short lived because my reality always creeps back in. I want to be normal and fine with everything that happened, I want to be at peace with the fact that my body failed me and Amelia, but it was out of my control so it's not my fault, but I just can't be. Who could be ok with something like that? So now I am trying to work back to where I was 2 weeks ago, feeling like I was ok and that life was going to go on. I just feel like it's not possible to get there, because everytime I feel like I have made a little headway something just swoops in and knocks me down again. I hope that in a month or I guess more like 3 weeks when I write about 5 months that I am in a better place then what I am right now, because where I am right now sucks and I want to feel better I really really do.