God Gave Me You

First Dance!

This is one of my favorites, so us!

Today is mine and Seth's 2nd year anniversary. It seems like yesterday that I walked down the aisle and married my best friend. We began dating when I was 15 and a freshman in high school. Seems unbelievable that 13 years later we are still just as in love, actually more so then we were back then. Our life together has not been a perfectly smooth ride, and when our future looked unsure somehow we always came back together. After we got married I thought to myself that all the bad things that would happen to us had already happened and now our life would be "perfect". Our life was perfect, up to Dec. 22, 2011. Up until that day I thought nothing would ever shake us. Thankfully losing Amelia didn't shake us, but brought us closer together. I have spent countless hours worrying about Seth blaming me and being mad at me for not knowing what was going on with my body. He has never even hinted at the idea and has been so incredibley supportive of me and so understanding when I feel sad and just need to cry. I honestly thought I couldn't possibley love him any more then I did, but this whole experience has made me fall in love with him in a completely different way. There is absolutely no way I would have been able to make it through these past 4 1/2 months without Seth and the love that he has shown me. I recently heard the song "God Gave Me You" and I felt like it was the perfect title for this blog, because I know there is a reason why Seth and I ended up together. So YAY us for making it to the "big" 2 year mark! I am so in love with Seth and I look forward to the many years ahead, because I know that with him by my side I can do anything and make it through anything. Happy Anniversary Hunny, I Love You!!!

Answered Prayers

This is going to be the first post that I have written in the past 4 months that is happy! I went out for a run this morning and all I could think about was how annoyed I am that I still haven't heard anything from my insurance company. So for almost 6 miles I thought about this, and got more and more annoyed. When I got home I called Seth, first of all to tell him how far I ran, I was pretty happy with myself, and also to tell him how frustrated I was. He suggested that I call the insurance company and find out what the statis was on my appeal. I called and of course was put on hold for what seemed like forever, and then the words that I had lost hope for, "Your surgery has been approved"!! I was instantly in shock and disbelief and asked the lady "are you sure?"  And then when she said yes I said "Your serious?" And again she said "Yes". Then I told her thank you and that now I was going to start crying. I couldn't keep the tears back, I was just so happy. I still can't believe that I am actually going to get my surgery, 1 week ago I had kind of just lost hope that they would approve it. I guess it is easier for me to not get my hopes up then have them up and then be completely disappointed when they say no. When I got off the phone with the insurance company I instantly called Seth and told him and he was just as excited and happy and then I called my Mom who was also very excited. I finally feel that something good is happening for Seth and I. I feel like the last 4 months have been one step forward 20 back and now we are finally beginning to move forward and this time we have some momentum. I also feel that all the praying I did and that other people did for us, those prayers were answered. I know that God and Amelia had a hand in this, because according to my doctor appeals don't typically get approved. Our little angel was watching over us and getting us through this. It is hard to put into words what this surgery means to me, but if I had to I would say it gives me hope. Hope that my future and the future for my family is brighter then it was yesterday. I wasn't sure if another baby was in my future, and now I know that someday when the time is right I will get my rainbow baby, and that baby boy or girl will have a little piece of Amelia in him or her. I have been given another chance at becoming a mommy to a baby that I will get to hold in my arms and bring home. I know Amelia has a plan for her family and this is just the first step to a very bright future that she is going to help create. I just wish I could give her a big giant hug and kiss to thank her for everything she is doing, but I know that she knows how thankful I am for her and just how much I love her!

Mother's Day

Aiden and Mommy

Yesterday was a different Mother's Day for me. I really wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it, would I be fine, sad, happy, depressed, I just didn't know. We had gone out for dinner on Saturday night after church and it was nice, we went to the Olive Garden, I love their breadsticks and salad! So on Sunday Seth and Aiden let me sleep in and when I got up Aiden had set up a scavenger hunt around the house. He had drew me a bunch of different pictures so I had to walk around and find them all, it was super sweet and he was so proud! Then Aiden made me some coffee, he loves doing this! We sat and watched so TV and Seth left for work, yes he worked yesterday so it was just me and Aiden! Then I started to get some text messages from friends wishing me a happy mothers day and saying that they were thinking of me and then I started getting sad. Not just because of the text messages, but because I should be sitting here with my 2 babies, not just Aiden. Then I started crying so I went into my bedroom and talked to Amelia something that has become a regular thing for me these days. I was able to get myself together and make a plan for the day, because if I just sat around I would be a mess all day. I decided that Aiden and I would go to Lowe's and pick out some flowers to plant in the front to the house. So I got in the shower, maybe that was a bad idea or something but all that did was make me cry. I just started thinking about how bad of a mom I am. How maybe I didn't even deserve to do anything on Mother's Day because seriously, I am a bad mom. Not only did my body completely reject Amelia, but I couldn't protect her, I couldn't stop what was happening, I was completely helpless. I should have protected her from what was happening, I should have been able to save her, but I couldn't. That sure doesn't sound like a good mom to me. So as all of this is running through my head, I suddenly had this feeling of calm and love and I know it was Amelia. I know that she knows I would have done anything I could have done to save her, I ask her all the time not to blame me so I think this was her way of telling me she doesn't blame me. Whenever I am in a situation that I know is going to be hard or is hard I always ask her to give me the strength to get through it without crying and I think this was her giving me strength. So after that I got myself ready and Aiden and I headed out to buy flowers! He was so funny, he loves picking out flowers so I bought way more then I planned, but I just couldn't say no to him! Once we got home and had some lunch we started planting. It was pretty breezy out so it made for an interesting time, but we got them all done! Seth got home pretty early and we hung out for a awhile and then him and I got supper ready and after supper Aiden and I went to Dairy Queen and got some ice cream! Seth stayed home and did homework, since he procrastinated all week and had to do all his assignments before midnight....men! The rest of my night was spent relaxing on the couch with the dog and feeling sad, but ok. I know Amelia was with me all day, she even sent a butterfly while I was outside that kept leaving and coming back. So my first Mother's Day without Amelia was hard but she was able to get me through it, I know this is the first of many hard holidays to come, but now I know I can get through them I just might need a little help from my angel! Here are some pictures from yesterday!

My 2 Loves <3



The butterfly that kept coming for a visit



The beautiful roses from my boys!

Received this from my friend Catherine, so sweet!

Insurance Drama

Way back in February when I decided that I was going to have TAC surgery I got all my medical records and the paperwork sent to my insurance for them to pre authorize me to have the surgery. Well about 1 week later we got a letter from them saying that they would cover the surgery, but only if I was 10 weeks pregnant. That is not what we wanted and not what my doctor wanted so I called my insurance company. I was then told that only part of my medical records were not reviewed, so the nice lady said she would resubmit everything to see if that would change the outcome and they would say yes to covering my surgery. Well we waited and waited and waited and finally about 8 weeks later I called to check on the status of their decision. This time I was told that my records were never resubmitted and that the decision still stands they will cover my surgery if I am 10 weeks pregnant. Seriously, we wasted 8 weeks waiting for something that was never going to come in the mail. I called my doctor right away and I was told to send him and email and that we would appeal the decision and it was not a big deal. Ok so I sent my doctor an email that day and then I waited. This was on a Thursday and I didn't want to be annoying so I waited for another week to call back and see if he sent it. I was told that someone would call me back after they talked to the doctor because usually he will send an email back to you when he gets everything sent out. Well again I waited, and no one called so I called back on Monday and was told the same thing, someone will call you back blah blah blah. No one called me. So on Wednesday I called back AGAIN, and this time I didn't even tell the lady my name I just told her why I was calling and she said "is this Natasha?" I was near tears because I have no idea what is happening my surgery is in a month and I still don't know what is going to happen, so frustrating. She assured me that she would talk to the doctor and get on him to send the letter, and she apoligized and said that they have been really busy and my email got lost in the shuffle, of course it would! On Thursday night I finally got an email from my doctor with the attached letter he sent my insurance company along with a note from him saying that unfortunately he doesn't have very good luck with insurance companies approving appeals, most have a standard no policy. So of course I cried again, I just can't believe that this would happen like this. Haven't I been through enough? Apparently not because if I have lost 3 or 4 babies they would approve it with no problem. That is not even an option for me, I will not survive another loss, I can't do it. I don't know how women do it that have lost multiple babies, I honestly don't know. So now I just sit here waiting for a bunch of doctors that now nothing about my condition and my situation decide whether I get to have my surgery or not, it just seems so unfair. I was approved to have the surgery when I am 10 weeks pregnant but there are a lot of risk that go along with that. My doctor has never actually had a woman lose a pregnancy after a surgery, but witht the way my life has gone in the last 4 months I feel that I will be the one that something bad will happen to. It feels like a frickin nightmare that I am living, just when things seem to get better BOOM it all blows up in my face. I keep praying that everything will work out the way it is supposed to but I really feel like I am starting to lose hope, and I know that is not a good thing. There has to be another baby in my future but I am not willing to take any risk, I don't know what is worse, deciding to just not have another baby or take the risk and get pregnant and have the surgery at 10 weeks. I don't know what scares me more.....

May 6th

I meant to post this yesterday but Seth started his masters degree and was on the computer all night last night so I didn't get a chance to do it. About 3 months ago I was deep into blog world late one night and came across a blog that had a bunch of international dates on it. This group of partents decided to create an International Bereaved Mother's Day for all the mommies across the world that are suffering and grieving their babies or children. Sadly there are so many mommies that don't have any children here on earth so when Mother's Day comes around they are not recognized to be mommies because their children are not living. To me this is ridiculous, but it is true. I have even had people look at me weird when they ask me how many children I have and I reply with saying "I have 2 a boy who's 7 and a girl who is in heaven" it's like Amelia shouldn't count the way Aiden does because she is not physically here. It makes me so angry when I hear people say things like that, because they have no idea how difficult it is to be a bereaved parent. Anyway I wanted to share a sticker from that blog so people know about this day, because there are so many mommies that suffer and no one realizes it. It is just another reminder that we are not alone in our grief and there are thousands of women out there that carry their child/children in their hearts rather then in their arms.  So if you know someone who has lost a baby or a child share this with them, tell them that their is a special day for them. It is always the first Sunday in May.

4 Months and a Delivery Date

It has been awhile since I have sat down and wrote, not because I haven't wanted to or didn't have time, but because I just didn't know how to put into words what I was feeling. I don't really know that even now I am able to, but I have really been feeling the need to just write. April 24th marked the 4 month point since Amelia went to heaven and it was a tough day but not any harder then all the others. Once again it didn't seem like it has been 4 months, and yet it feels like forever since I held Amelia in my arms for the last time. April 26th was not a day that was for sure because I never got far enough along in my pregnancy to schedule my c-section, but it was the day that I had talked to my doctor the week before Amelia was born, that if everything went right it would be the day I would go in. So to me it was my due date, because everything was going to go right, little did I know it wouldn't. Luckily Seth was home that day so we went out for lunch and my friend Ericka brought some flowers over and we received two cards one from a fellow mommy of an angel baby, Alissa and the other from her sister and friend of Seth and me, Ashley. It was nice to know that people remembered the day and took the time to think of us and Amelia. That is my biggest fear, that she will be forgotten. So the rest of the week I feel like I did really good, I was in a good place and trying not to focus on the "what I should be doing" things, but focusing on that April 26th isn't Amelia's day, Dec. 24th is. That is the day we will celebrate her not the day that she should have been born. We went away for the weekend and had a good time with Seth's family, and got to spend some time with our friends it was good.
Then the next week had to happen. Monday was ok, I went and got my final 2 tattoos done, one on each foot. One has Aiden and Amelia and the other foot has Amelia's footprints. Tuesday was a different story. I went to go get the mail and there it was, the box of formula, 2 books of coupons for diapers, and a magazine from American Baby that was special sent to me since I have recently became a new mommy. BOOM! I lost it. I sat waiting for Aiden to come out of the school and tried to hide my tears and I made it home and through everything away and walked past Seth and went straight into the bathroom and sobbed. I just kept thinking that I should be a new mommy I should be excited about coupons for diapers, I should be so many things and I am not. I should have a beautiful baby girl at home depriving me of sleep and turning my nice clean house into a place that looks like a bomb exploded. But I am not. Instead I sit here writing this looking at Amelia's shadow box hanging on the wall and her table with her picture on it, its just not fair. Why me? Why her? This is what has been going through my head for the past 6 days, I just can't seem to shake it. I almost feel the way I did 3 months ago, I guess this is the grieving process and its normal but I feel so far from normal. I feel like I am in someone else's body just going through the motions of life. I have become very good at putting on a show, so people won't know how I actually feel inside. I think it is partly because I don't want to disappoint anyone, because so many people think I am doing so good and I am so strong, but I am not. There are moments I have when I can have fun and laugh and smile and it is genuine, but these moments are short lived because my reality always creeps back in. I want to be normal and fine with everything that happened, I want to be at peace with the fact that my body failed me and Amelia, but it was out of my control so it's not my fault, but I just can't be. Who could be ok with something like that? So now I am trying to work back to where I was 2 weeks ago, feeling like I was ok and that life was going to go on. I just feel like it's not possible to get there, because everytime I feel like I have made a little headway something just swoops in and knocks me down again. I hope that in a month or I guess more like 3 weeks when I write about 5 months that I am in a better place then what I am right now, because where I am right now sucks and I want to feel better I really really do.