10 Months

I can hardly believe that yet another month has passed already.  I feel like it was just yesterday when I started writing this blog and here I am 10 months later. It is crazy to think back at the last 10 months and how much has changed. I have gone through so many different stages of grief and so many experiences that I never in a million years even dreamed I would have to deal with. I think back to Christmas Day of 2011, the day after Amelia went to heaven and how awful I felt and how desparate, sad, and hopeless I felt. Then I look at today and I am in a much different place, I can honestly say I feel happy, not the pure happiness I was feeling 1 year ago but a different happy. I feel hopeful for the future, and I do get sad sometimes, but I am ok with that and I just let it happen I don't fight it anymore. Those sad moments usually come when I start thinking about what Amelia would be doing at this stage, or thinking about her upcoming birthday. I also have a strong sense of pride though, I am so proud to say that I have an angel. I wish so badly she was here, but I would rather have Amelia as an angel then not have her at all. I have been thinking about calling my counselor since I have been having some major anxiety about Amelia's birthday. I think it also isn't helping that I am pregnant during the same exact time of year again. I remember last year going trick or treating with Aiden and being pregnant and here I am this year, I will be going trick or treating with Aiden pregnant. I cringe when I hear Christmas music or the word holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas but I am so dreading them. Thanksgiving because I will be about 20 weeks pregnant which is what I was when we lost Amelia and Christmas I just have so many mixed emotions about it. I am excited to celebrate Amelia's 1st Birthday in heaven but I know I will be so sad that she isn't physically here with us. Ugh, I feel like a broken record since I think this is what I have been writing about for the last 2 months. I know the 1st birthday is probably the hardest, it's just hard to believe that a year has passed. I remember when Aiden turned 1 and just thinking how fast that first year went, and how much I looked forward to what the next year would bring. I hope and pray that I can be strong for my family on her birthday and make it a special day and not a day that I just want to lay around and mope. I think the one thing that is helping me through this time of year is Aiden and this little baby in my belly. I think if I weren't pregnant I would be in a much darker place and I think that is why I got pregnant when I did. I feel like it was a gift that Amelia sent us to help us get through these next couple months because she knew it was going to be hard. Although sometimes I feel like I am having deja vu since everything is so similiar, but it's ok it's also strangley comforting. I will try and post some pictures of Halloween, and my Jack Sparrow who I will be taking trick or treating! Also we have Aiden's 8th Birthday party next Friday, we are having a bowling party and then we are having a small get together on Saturday for Seth's 30th birthday, he turns 30 on Sunday. So needless to say this next week is going to be kinda crazy busy, but I think it will be great celebrating with friends and family! So Happy Halloween everyone!

October 15th, 2012

Yesterday was October 15th, also known as Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day. One year ago I had no clue that this day even existed, and now I have it on my calendar. I was fortunate enough to attend a balloon release last week Thursday in Bismarck with a the Angel Babies group I belong to. This is a group of women that have helped me a lot even though I had never met any of them in person before last week. Seth was able to come with me and it was nice, and for some reason I just wouldn't let myself cry. I don't know why I wouldn't, I think I was just trying to be strong and make it more of a celebration of Amelia's short life instead of something sad. I just kept thinking to myself, this is all I have of my daughter balloon releases. I know that is not try I have so much more then that, but in that moment I just felt sad. Because of this balloon release I was inspired to create a balloon release in Minot for all the families here that have lost a baby or pregnancy. I planned it in 10 days and thank God for facebook because I was able to get the word out to a lot of people. I also called the local news station and they were very interested in the story and agreed to do an interview about the day and the balloon release. So yesterday morning a reporter came over and we talked for over an hour, which is funny because my little blip on the news was about 30 seconds! Which is a good thing since I did a lot of babbling and I am sure I made no sense half the time, gotta love editing! I also contacted the grocery store in town and talked to the manager and he agreed to donate all the balloons to the release, all 65 of them! So last night at 6:30 my friend Catherine and I and our kids got to the release site and started sorting balloons! I had around 40 people that came and I was just completely overwhelmed by the response and the support of the even! Our local paper came and interviewed me and our balloon release was on the front page of the paper this morning! The pastor from my church, Nathan, came and said a prayer for all of us before we sent our balloons up to heaven. It was extra special that he was there since he is the one that baptized Amelia, he was there when I was at my lowest point ever and now he was there last night when I am at a much better point in my life. Although last night I wasn't able to keep in the tears, as I was thanking everyone for coming out and supporting me and the event I kinda lost it, I got all high pitched and people probably couldn't even understand what I was saying so at that point I passed it on to Nathan to say the prayer! I cried through the whole prayer and then we let go of our balloons and I felt at peace. I know Amelia was there just waiting for her balloons, I think she had 4 or 5 which is so amazing! Aiden was my date for the night since Seth couldn't be there, he's in Denver for work this week so that kinda sucked but I know he wanted to be there. I have received so much positive feedback from people about the balloon release and it makes me so happy that I was able to do something to honor my daughter, but at the same time help others dealing with their loss. I know there is a reason why Amelia's life was so short and I am not positive why, but I am going to make sure that something positive comes from her death. I refuse to let her be forgotten and I am determined to keep her memory alive, and this is just one way that I plan to do that. I love my baby girl more then words can even begin to express and I did this for her and I hope she is half as proud of her mommy as I am of her! Here are some pictures from last night!
Here are the links to my interview and the news paper article!
http://www.kmot.com/News_Stories.asp?news=59829
http://www.minotdailynews.com/page/content.detail/id/569897/Balloon-release-held-to-raise-awareness-of-infant-loss.html?nav=5010

passing out balloons

Aiden and I with our balloons to Amelia

Saying my thank you's and crying!

Our balloons floating up to heaven to our angels

9 Months

Wow 9 months I can hardly believe that it has been 9 months already. Kinda crazy how 9 months can mean two totally different things for me. 9 months since I have held Amelia and also thinking about the 9 months of pregnancy that I didn't get with her. And yet here I am pregnant again and praying that I finally get 9 whole months of pregnancy this time. Amelia has been on my mind constantly lately and I think it's because there are so many reminders of her 1 year birthday in heaven coming up. Everytime I turn around there is something about Christmas and the saying "It's the most wonderful time of the year". I used to think that and feel that, but not this year. I am honestly dreading Christmas this year. Christmas is no longer just about getting together with family, food and presents, it's my baby girls birthday and proof that a whole year has passed since I held her last. I hope that someday I can think of Christmas and be excited or at least not want to cry, but it is a holiday that has forever changed for me. While families are celebrating, and I am sure this year most of my family will be celebrating and I want that for them, I don't want my family to be sad this year. I will be sad and I pray that I am able to put on a brave face and celebrate Amelia's 1st birthday and Christimas, but I am scared I won't be able to. She was born at 4 pm on Christmas Eve a time that the church service we usually go to starts, do I go to church and sing songs and smile or do I stay home and cry? I don't know, I guess I don't have to decide right this second but it's questions like this that I ask myself all the time. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that so much of this pregnancy is just like my pregnancy with Amelia. Not only do I feel very similiar as I did last time, I am will be doing a lot of the same things as I did while pregnant with Amelia. Going trick or treating, celebrating Aiden's, Seth's and my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas decorating, Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, wrapping presents, the list could go on and on. I am sure I am not the only person that has experienced a preganancy after loss that had so much in common with the previous pregnancy, but it is just hard. Last year at this time I couldn't wait to do all the things surrounding the holidays, and this year I am not looking forward to any of it. I kinda wish I could just skip over it all, and yet I know that Aiden deserves a wonderful Christmas this year so I know I will make it as special as I can for him. It will be a different kind of Christmas this year, but we will be together so that's all that matters. So this is what has been going through my head for about the last month, kinda crazy I know. As far as this pregnancy goes I am 12 1/2 weeks and finally feeling energized. Which is a nice change! I started walking last week so I can keep my weight gain in the 2nd trimester a little more steady compared to my 1st trimester, I gained 13 lbs! I know that is awful, although that is what I have done in my previous 2 pregnancies so it really didn't surprise me that much. I think I finally got a handle on it though! I go to the doctor next week and then starting at 16 weeks I will have an ultrasound everyother week until my 24th week to check my cervix and make sure everything is holding, and to help allieviete my anxieties. I am so thankful that both my doctors are so sensitive to my situation and so willing to help me feel better. Other then all the thoughts running through my head life here has been pretty quiet. Aiden is doing hockey again, flag football and boy scouts so we are staying busy with his activities and Seth is in the process of transitioning to his new job, but until he gets an office he's been working from home. I have to say I don't hate it! It's kinda nice having him around all the time and I absolutely love having him home on the weekends. Seeing Aiden and Seth playing together or eating breakfast together just makes me happy. This is not something I am used to seeing on a Saturday or Sunday morning, it is a welcomed change for our family. Aiden especially loves having his dad home with him on the weekends, he doesn't know any different since Aiden was 2 Seth has always had a weird schedule so Aiden still ask on Saturdays if dad is on days off today! So all in all I'm doing good, my family is doing good and that's all that matters, and I know that Amelia is watching over us and smiling. Next week we are all going to a balloon release being held in Bismarck by a group of amazing women, it is for Infant and Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day which is on Oct. 15th, but they are holding the release on the 11th because that is their regular meeting night. I am just so happy to be a part of a group of women that are also doing their part to bring awareness of infant and pregnancy loss while also honoring our angels. I am so proud to be a mommy of an angel baby and it's comforting to know so many other mommies that feel the same way as me! So remember to light a candle on the 15th at 7pm for 1 hour to honor babies gone to soon!