Happy 4th in Heaven

Happy 4th of July in heaven Amelia! I thought about you all day wondering if you were here what we would be doing. Would you have slept through the fireworks? or would you have been like your big brother was and like them!

We went to the air show and everywere I looked were pregnant women, it is so frustrating. I realize that I would no longer be pregnant at this point, but it is so hard to see big bellies. I try not to notice them, but I also find myself looking at every women's stomach when she walks by me. I think now it is because I want so badly to be pregnant again and now I am just scared that I won't be able to get pregnant for some reason, so I am jealous of everyone else that is. Sometimes I swear I am going crazy. After the air show we came home and Aiden and Seth did some fireworks and we sent a memorial lantern to heaven for Amelia. I was excited to do it, but the second I let go of the lantern the tears started flowing like a waterfall. I had this whole vision of taking a close up picture of the lantern and then watching it float to heaven, but I just couldn't do it. This wasn't what we were supposed to be doing on the Fourth of July. I wanted to do something special for Amelia for her 1st Fourth of July, and I just hope she liked it! Here is the one picture that Seth took of the lantern before it got to far away!

Dear Amelia

Dear Amelia,
Happy 6 Month Birthday in heaven baby girl! I wish so badly that you were here to celebrate with us, but I am sure you had a beautiful celebration with all the angels. I miss you so much every single second of every single day. There is never a moment that goes by that I don't think of you. I often daydream about you and wonder what your hair would have been like, brown and curly like mine or blonde like Daddy's. If you would have hazel eyes, if you would have had your Daddy and big brothers's crazy sense of humor. Or would you be stubborn and dramatic like me! I am often reminded of you through songs I hear, butterflies, rainbows and most recently thunder. Aiden and I like to think when it thunders it is you learning how to crawl. These things make me feel better and I like to think you are sending them to me to cheer me up. I have shared your story with many peopleand everyone that hears about you and sees your picture think you are so beautiful and so strong. We are helping people by sharing your story and I am so proud of you for that Even though you are not here physically you are still making a difference. Because of you I have met some amazing Mommies who's babies also went to heaven, you probably play with them. I know that you helped me find them so I wouldn't feel so alone in my grief. I hope you know how much you were wanted and how much you are loved. I feel so blessed that I got to spend 20 weeks and 6 days with you they were absolutely incredible, and that I am your Mommy you were and will forever be a true blessing. Even though you have been in heaven longer then you were here on earth my love for you hasn't changed. You will forever be my sweet baby girl. I promise to keep talking about you, saying your name and sharing your story. I promise to keep your memory alive, I promise. I love you!

I love you Amelia, to the moon and back,  Mommy

6 Months

The 6 month anniversary of Amelia's death has come and gone. I planned to write this sooner, but the words were just not there. I have been a human rollercoaster of emotions lately. I am not sure why all of a sudden so many things will just bring me to tears, but then again I guess if makes sense. Most recently it has been the weekly emails that I receive updating me on the milestones that Amelia should be hitting had she been born on her due date. I don't read them they are all just deleted, but everytime I press delete it feels so awful. These are emails that I should be wanting to open to make sure my baby is on track in her development. Instead they are a painful reminder of what I have lost. I know in my heart that Amelia is in heaven reaching all these milestones, but it breaks my heart that I am not there to witness them.
The past 6 months have gone by so fast and yet so slow, it is hard to explain. I feel as if I have aged 20 years these past 6 months, must be the stress and crying. Everytime an anniversary day comes I instantly think back to those 3 awful days in December. I replay everything in my head over and over and wonder if different decisions would have been made would I have been able to stay pregnant longer. I also replay the moments after Amelia was born. Seeing her for the first time and seeing how beautiful she was, how perfect she was. I also remember kissing her tiny head and how warm it was. Then her tiny heard became colder and colder, a memory that is burned into my memory forever, something no parent should ever experience. I remember trying so hard to keep her warm with my body and blankets knowing it wouldn't work, but praying for a miracle. I kept thinking maybe she will suddenly take a breath, start crying and open her eyes and she would be ok. I knew this wasn't going to happen, but I prayed it would. The hardest part of that night was leaving my baby girl in the arms of the nurse and walking out of the hospital with an empty belly, empty arms, and a broken heart. A heart that will forever be broken and missing my sweet Amelia. My strength and my faith have been tested beyond what I thought they ever would be in my life, and I feel that some days I have everything figured out. Then I have other days when I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, which has been happening more frequently lately. I breakdown in tears at the most random times, and try so desparately to control myself and not make a scene. I am hoping and praying that these moments become fewer and fewer with more time, and yet it doesn't seem like it has gotten any easier in the past 6 months. I am still trying to figure out this new life that I am living and still trying to figure out the person I am. All I know is that I am still struggling but I am ok and I have to be ok with that.