8 Months

Yes I realize that the 8 month mark has come and gone now and 9 months is starting to creep closer. It just amazes me how months just fly by, and with each passing month it's longer and longer since I have held Amelia. Life has been pretty crazy around our house this past month, we had our last weekends of camping and Aiden started the 2nd grade, which I can hardly believe! He also started playing hockey again so that is keeping him busy. Aiden's Wednesday church school started a couple weeks ago and this year I have decided to help out with it, so he is excited that I will be there with him. I am excited to help out with it, we have received so much from the church especially in those first few months after Amelia passed away and this is a way that I can give back a little. Another reason that this past month has been a little hectic is because we found out that we are expecting again. I found out the very end of July when I was only 3 weeks 4 days and I am 9 weeks 1 day now, although I feel like I am way more pregnant then that. I look farther along then 9 weeks and since we have known for so long I can already tell this pregnancy is going to take forever! I have also figured it probably feels like I have been pregnant so long because I spent 20 weeks being pregnant and then it just ended so abruptly. So far I feel good, just extremely tired I don't think I have been this tired in my entire life, but it's a good tired! It is very strange being pregnant again I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. I remember thinking to myself when we first started talking about starting to try again that when I became pregnant I wasn't going to let myself get excited or attached this time. I thought that in case something didn't go right, then I would get hurt. Well the second I found out that plan went right out the window, I downloaded 2 apps on my phone to track the babies progress and I am all ready so in love with this little baby. I just pray everyday and night that this time everything will end the way it's supposed to, with us getting to bring our healthy little baby home with us. Although this pregnancy hasn't been totally smooth, at 5 weeks I started to spot and cramp and had to go in and have my hcg levels checked, which came back ok and then I spent a Sunday afternoon in the ER because the cramping got worse, they did and ultrasound and could see everything looked ok, but they couldn't detect a heartbeat. I went back 3 days later and this time they were able to see a little fluttery heartbeat. Seth asked me on our way out "Well do you feel better now?" and I said "Yes but no, I won't feel better until the baby is here in our arms". The doctors think that I am having more cramping and spotting then usual because I had 3 surgeries on my cervix in a 6 month period and because of that I have scar tissue that could be causing the pain. I truely hope they are right, I cramp on a daily basis but it always goes away and never gets worse so I am just clinging onto what the doctors told me. I go in on Wednesday for my 10 week appointment and I am excited to get to see our little baby again and just pray that everything looks good. Then I will be going back every 2 weeks for an ultrasound to make sure my cerclage is holding and looks good, Dr. Haney says this is his way of calming my anxieties about this pregnancy. I am so happy that I have 2 amazing doctors working together to make this pregnancy a success. Just makes me sad that we had to lose Amelia for this to happen, I wish I had her and this new baby I don't think that is asking too much. Other then being constantly worried about this pregnancy, emotionally I have been in a really good place. I feel like this pregnancy happened when it was supposed to, what's crazy is I am due April 13 and I was due with Amelia May 6, but she would have been born in April. I just know that Amelia planned for that to happen, to make April a happy month for us like it should have been. I have had a few moments that I have just broken down crying and this has happened when I start thinking about Amelia's 1st birthday which is only 3 1/2 months away now. That is a hard one for me to think about, everytime I start to think about it or plan something I just cry. It's also hard because Ameila was born on Christmas Eve, a night that most families spend laughing and eating and enjoying themselves. I don't think I will be doing much of that this year. I have kind of decided that I want to stay home for Christmas Eve and have it just be Seth, Aiden and I, and we can just have a small celebration at home together for Amelia. I figure on Christmas Day we can go spend with the rest of the family. I know most people want all of their family around on this day, but most of these days don't fall on a holiday like Christmas. Plus I want to be able to have Amelia's pictures and things around me on her birthday and if we go out of town to our families we will have to leave most of her things and I just don't want that, not on her 1st birthday. Just thinking about it gets me teary eyed, I am just not ready for that one year mark it just seems like so long ago and I know that once one year comes then the years will just start flying by. At least I have a few more months to plan and prepare and hopefully by the time the day arrives I am ready. Well I will end this post here, I feel like I kind of rambled on about a bunch of stuff. I will try and be better about posting more frequently so everything doesn't get crammed into one post!