It has been almost a week since we celebrated Easter. The first real holiday since Amelia went to heaven, and I have to say it was a really good weekend. My parents came on Friday and we went out for dinner that night and then Saturday my mom and Aiden and I went shopping for awhile. It was fun to go spend time with my mom just the two of us and of course Aiden, I don't think we have done that since Amelia passed away. I have to say going to the mall is not my favorite thing to do especially on a Saturday before a holiday, but I tolerated it! I got sad a few times looking around at all the pregnant women or all the strollers being pushed around the mall. Yet again just another reminder of what I should have, a HUGE belly and counting down the days until Amelia would join us. I just had to keep reminding myself that I have Aiden, he is my happiness. That night Seth and I got to play Easter Bunny and I love to hide the basket and all the eggs! Aiden as usual got completely spoiled, but after the fact both Seth and I agreed that he deserved it. He has been so good the last 4 months and his Christmas just wasn't what we wanted or planned so we really wanted Easter to be extra special for him. Aiden was up bright and early Easter morning and found all his eggs and his basket within about 5 minutes, he has a gift at searching out his presents! Seth had to go to work after that and I got ready to take Aiden to church with my mom. I had mixed feelings about church right away, because as soon as we sat down we were surrounded by little girls with their Easter dresses on and again pregnant women everywhere. I talked myself out of crying and just focused on getting through church without crying. Then I saw Amelia's name in the bulletin because we bought an Easter Lily in memory of her and again, I had to talk myself out of crying. Then we stood to sing a song and there was a line in the song about angels and having lots of important things to do, and that kinda did it for me. I just couldn't stop thinking about Amelia as this tiny little angel and all the important things she is doing in heaven. I wish so much she was here with us, but I know that she is an extra special angel in heaven doing very important things for Jesus. They have the same birthday so I know she is very special to him. Then our pastor started his sermon and I feel like he read my mind. It was about just when you think that all hope is lost remember that the king has one more move. This was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, because I was feeling pretty sad and he made me realize that this isn't the end our story or Amelia's that the king does have one more move for me and my family. I also know that Amelia has more to do for our family, she may not be here but I know that she has big plans for us and we just have to wait and see what she has planned. The rest of Easter went well, other then me getting a speeding ticket on the way home, my first ever! Oh well! It wasn't until Sunday night that I got really sad and started wondering about Amelia and if in heaven they get an Easter basket or dye Easter eggs or anyother fun Easter things. I cried for awhile thinking about all the things I had looked forward to, buying a cute Easter dress for her and the cute shoes to match next year, and how much fun she would be next Easter. I had to keep reminding myself of the sermon that I heard earlier in the day and know that I can't lose hope, because I know Amelia hasn't lost hope for us. I recently found a quote on pinterest that as soon as I read it I was like yes this is so my life right now and how I feel most days. Of course I have my days when I feel lost and sad and empty and hopeless, but it just seemed to fit perfectly.
I am not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be. I am okay and I am on my way.-Joyce Meyer
